Goodbye
by alwayssirius
Summary: Saying goodbye is hard. Letting go is harder. A Sirius/OC story.
1. Time with Sirius

I'm back with another sboc story, I just can't seem to stay away from them! This first chapter is a little long, but I hope you like it! The song below is more or less what my story is based on.

* * *

  


It's a shame that it had to be this way

It's a shame that it had to be this way  
It's not enough to say I'm sorry  
It's not enough to say I'm sorry

Maybe I'm to blame  
Or maybe we're the same  
But either way I can't breathe  
Either way I can't breathe

All I had to say is goodbye  
We're better off this way  
We're better off this way

I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive  
Cause everything were been through

And everything about you  
Seemed to be a lie  
A guiltless twisted lie  
It made me learn to hate you  
Or hate myself for letting it pass by

-Goodbye, Secondhand Serenade

**Prologue**

How it even got to this point is beyond me.

We were perfect for each other.

At least that's what I thought. He obviously didn't.

I suppose the signs were there all along, I just didn't see them. Or maybe I didn't _want_ to see them.

Regardless, it happened. He ended it and I've never felt pain like this.

I can't breathe freely; I can't laugh, or even smile. I feel lost. We were together for so long, what do I do now?

How do I go on without him?

I know how pathetic I sound, but I've never had my heart broken before. Actually, he pretty much tore it out, crushed it, stomped on in, and left it to die.

Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic. I do tend to lean to that side. But it really does hurt.

At any rate, at least the Gryffindor crowd took me in. I wouldn't be able to make it around the traitors in my house.

Okay, so maybe they aren't all bad, but that's where _he_ is. Him and the girl he left me for.

An explanation is at hand. I'll start from about three days before it happened. Just remember, I wasn't kidding when I said I tend to be dramatic.

**November (before the break-up)  
**

What is wrong with me? I mean, jealous of that French girl?

_I do have reason to be, she's always around MY man._

He's not exactly innocent in all of this though is he? Nope, of course he isn't. If he loves me as much as he says he loves me then he'd stay away from her knowing that she wants him.

_Unless he wants her too._

That is definitely not something I want to think about.

Let me start at the beginning. I started Hogwarts my fifth year. No, I'm not a foreign exchange student or anything; it's just that my parents are protective, more like paranoid if you ask me.

They're muggles so they were beyond surprised when someone from Hogwarts came and explained the whole me being a witch thing to them. They weren't keen on letting me go to Hogwarts so they asked if there was any other choice.

There was.

Since money wasn't a problem, they hired a witch to home school me until I was fourteen going on fifteen. They would have had me home schooled until I was seventeen if I hadn't kept pestering them about going to a real school.

It's Mikayla Sander's fault really. Kay (that's my nickname for her) is my best friend who I've known since we were like four. She's a half blood and was good at hiding that she was as witch until she found out I was one too. She goes to Hogwarts; she was there since first year because her parents aren't paranoid like mine. Our friendship is such that even though we don't see each other much (even now that we're both at Hogwarts) every time we talk it's like no time has passed, like I saw her just the other day; we catch up and have fun.

Anyhow, every summer she would come back and tell me how great Hogwarts was and that I just _had_ to go there and this and that and that and that. Naturally, when she got home after her first year at Hogwarts and told me how great it was, my first reaction was to annoy my parents into letting me go. They refused for three long years, but the summer before what would be my fifth year they consented (about time too).

We had a meeting with the headmaster, Dumbledore, that summer so he could see what level I was at and whatnot. Turns out that I was right on track to start with the other fifth years and the Sorting Hat put me in Ravenclaw. Overall not bad, even though Kay was in Hufflepuff. I went back home after and packed. I was going to Hogwarts in September!

I hadn't realized how scary that would be until I got there. I knew Kay but we weren't in the same house so we didn't see much of each other. Long story short, I started, it was exciting, and I loved it. I made friends after a month (I'm shy). Among those friends was Bradley Carr, my current boyfriend. We were friends before we started going out in the beginning of sixth year. At the beginning of this year, that French girl transferred from Beaubaxtons and is currently ruining everything.

She comes in with her perfect, dark, curly locks, light, smooth skin, shining blue eyes, and stupid French accent that has half of the male population falling at her feet. To my dismay, she's sorted into Ravenclaw. Even worse, she's placed in the dormitory I'm in. It used to be just four of us, three girls who don't particularly care for me, and me. Now with _her_ in it, it's overcrowded. That really isn't the worst part; the worst part is that she's after Brad, though he refuses to believe me.

Does she have a name? Oh yes, it's Nathalie, and if anyone dares pronounce it any way other than the French nah-tah-ly then you're in for it. She's the Devil's spawn, no joke.

"Jade! Hold on!" Sean calls out to me as I make my way to Defence Against the Dark Arts.

Sean Porter is Brad's best mate, and one of mine too though I haven't known him as long. Anyway, I mostly hang out with Brad and Sean, if one is busy I go with the other, if both are busy I either have some alone time or go with some girl friends in Gryffindor or with Kay if I can find them. I'll admit that happens quite often since Brad has his Prefect duties and who knows what else, and Sean either has Quidditch practice or goes with Sirius Black from Gryffindor. He always invites me so I won't be alone but I usually decline.

"What's up?" I ask when he reaches me.

"Guess who I'm going with to Hogsmeade tomorrow?" he asks me, a huge grin on his face.

"I really don't know, who?"

"Tiffany!"

I bite my lip. I hate to burst his happy moment, but I have to. "Tiffany Scott? Are you sure about this Sean?"

He looks a tad downcast now. "Of course I am. I know that I shouldn't after the whole Tyler thing, but she's changed. I trust her, Jade. I still love her."

I suppress a sigh. "If you're sure," I say uncertainly.

"I am," he says more confidently than he probably feels, or so I think.

"Have you seen Brad?" I ask him. We're sitting in class now and even though it hasn't started, Brad is usually here by now.

"Nope, maybe he had to stay behind in muggle studies?"

"Maybe," I say slightly distracted.

Class has begun and Brad still isn't here. I accept that he isn't coming, which really is unfortunate because I usually sit next to him. Sean left to sit with Tiffany five minutes ago and Sirius Black took the seat next to me.

Sirius Black. I'm not oblivious to his good looks, or of his 'marauder' status, or of how a couple of girls will throw themselves at him. I just stay away from guys like that because they're typically not the relationship type. However, I get along with him fine and we talk here and there, mostly because he and Sean are good mates; apparently, they have been since first year when the Ravenclaws had flying lessons with Gryffindors. Brad likes to tease Sean about it being love at first sight or that Quidditch united their souls.

Sirius also happens to be in Charms Club with me. I know, I know, the marauders in Charms Club? According to Sean, James joined because Lily was in it and James dragged Sirius along. Why am I in it? Well Sirius dragged Sean along who dragged me along and I dragged Kay along. Brad goes whenever he's free. Anyway, Sirius and I don't talk too much. Oh, we say hi to each other and we have the occasional small exchange of words but that's it. We've never had a long conversation.

"Hi Jade, what's up?" he asks me casually. He's leaning on the two back legs of his chair, hands behind his head as if he's the hottest thing since sliced bread.

"Nothing really. I thought I was going to be a loner since Brad didn't show up and Sean ditched me for Tiffany," I say a bit sourly. I do resent Sean for that a little.

I notice Sirius' gaze shift to the aforementioned couple. He chuckles without humour. "You know, it's funny cuz whenever Sean is back with Tiffany I never hear from him. Guess it'll be like this for a couple of weeks."

I look at him, puzzled. "What do you mean a couple of weeks?"

"Black and Anderson," Professor Sorenson's voice comes from the front of the classroom. "Do you have something to share with the class?"

"No, sir," we answer.

"Then kindly cease your chatter or I will assign you both a detention."

He continues his lecture on the theory behind the next spell we'll be working on. A couple of minutes later Sirius answers my question.

"Haven't you noticed the pattern? They went out for four years then broke it off, and ever since then it's on and off with them. I won't hear from him for however long he's with her, and when they end it he'll be my best mate again."

This is interesting; I never really paid much attention to the pattern, but it _is_ there. "Is it awful to think she's wrong for him?" I ask Sirius.

"Why? Do you think you'll be better for him?" he smirks teasingly.

I roll my eyes. "Don't be daft, Sirius, I only mean that . . . well . . . I don't really trust her."

He looks serious now. "I know what you mean, I don't either. You should see the way she acts with Tyler; sometimes he even brings her to the common room to hang out. Sure, they don't go into the dormitories but still, if she says she's so into Sean, why is she hanging out with Tyler at all? She should just leave him alone since they have a strong history together."

Is Sirius being deep? His words were oddly . . . mature. I'm used to the playful, reckless, immature side of him. He's right though. Tyler and Tiffany dated, if she's with Sean now she really shouldn't be hanging around her ex alone. "It frustrates me that I know she isn't good for him but can do nothing about it! And Tyler isn't exactly innocent either, aren't Gryffindors supposed to be honourable?"

"We're supposed to be brave. Aren't Ravenclaws supposed to be intelligent?"

That was a slap at Sean. "Touché."

"Besides, this is more her doing than anything. Sure Tyler has some blame but in all fairness, he's tried to break off ties with her and she's the one who chases him."

"So-"

"Black and Anderson! Detention! Another word out of either of you and I'll double it, I am not a patient man."

"Don't we know it," Sirius whispers to me, except it comes out too loud.

I am mortified. I can't believe his just said that.

"Out! Both of you! See me after class regarding your detention."

I stare, dumbfounded, until I feel Sirius tugging on my sleeve. "I suggest we go before he gets more upset," he whispers, a huge grin on his face.

I glare at him, pick up my things, and walk out.

"Whoa! Hold on, are you mad?" he asks once we're out in the hall.

I turn on him. "I've never had a detention, let alone been kicked out of class!"

"That's actually a first for me too. I didn't think professors did that. Detention isn't so bad though! It can be loads of fun if you're with the right people."

I'm not exactly mad about getting a detention because I know that is my fault as much as his. What isn't my fault is being kicked out of class. "Ugh, we have almost two hours left! You just had to get us kicked out of a double period of Defence didn't you?" I ask, annoyance written all over my face.

He grins, is that all he does? "I didn't think he would hear me!"

As mad as I am, I can't help but return his grin, which makes my next statement lose some of its value. "Whatever, I guess I'll see you later to get our detentions," I say, turning to walk away.

"Wait, where are you going?" he asks.

I turn around and answer. "To my common room, obviously."

"It's yours now, is it?" he smirks.

That boy just loves to tease and I'm not in the mood for it. "Bye Sirius."

"Wait! I was kidding; you don't want to go to your common room. You'll be there by yourself, it'll be boring."

"It's not like there's anything else to do."

"Actually, there is."

"And what would that be?"

"We can go somewhere to practice that spell we're supposed to be doing, but before we need to make a stop by the kitchens because I need a snack."

"You can't go to the kitchens! Not only are we not allowed, but we don't know where it is."

He feigns hurt. "I'm insulted, Jade. Do you not know who you're standing next to?"

"Er, Sirius?" I answer slowly, somehow sure that that isn't the answer he's looking for.

"Well, yeah, but I'm also one of the marauders! Don't you know why they call us that?"

"Er, because you maraud things?" Again, not the answer he's looking for.

"Sort of, but the point is, I of course know where the kitchens are. I know this school like the back of my hand."

"Right," I hardly believe him. This is a _big_ school.

"So are you in?" Sirius asks.

"I don't know . . ."

"Oh come on Jade, live a little!"

We've been standing outside of the classroom for about five minutes. We still have a long time to go, and this sounds like it could be entertaining.

I don't answer right away and realization dawns on Sirius' face. "Oh, well if you think Brad won't be okay with it, it's fine. Don't worry about it, you don't have to come."

"Of course I don't have to, but I want to. It sounds like fun," I answer with a big smile.

"Are you sure? I don't want to make trouble for you," he says.

What is this? Immature Sirius is showing consideration? This has to be a first.

_That's not necessarily true. I've never had a real conversation with him before so how in the world would I know if this is a first or not?_

Hmm, good point. "Brad won't mind," I assure him.

"All right," he says slowly. "First stop, the kitchens."

We're walking towards the kitchens and I'm nervous about being caught the entire time. Sirius chuckles at my apprehension and mutters something about someone having to corrupt me. I only glare at him playfully. Inside the kitchens, some house elves rush to us and ask what we would like. They're so eager to please, so we just ask for the treats we want. After loading up we leave and make it up to the second floor without being caught.

Sirius keeps walking up more flights of stairs and I wonder where we're going. I ask him.

"I guess I forgot to tell you. I was thinking of going up to the Gryffindor common room since we're sure not to be caught there, unless you want to go the Ravenclaw common room?"

"No, yours is fine," I answer. He leads me to a portrait of a fat woman and mutters a password I don't hear.

The whole time I've been thinking about what Brad will say when I tell him. He won't be mad, I'm sure of it, but I don't think he'll be too happy about it either. I mean, wasn't this just what Sirius and I had been saying earlier about Tiffany?

_Yeah, but Sirius and I don't have a past like she does with Tyler, and I'm only here because I was kicked out of class and I need to study._

Exactly! Okay, my conscience is clear! We're in the common room now and it looks pretty much the same as mine except the colours. It's all gold and scarlet rather than blue and silver. The colours are a little harsh on my eyes at first but they quickly adjust.

The common room is completely empty and the awkwardness of the situation finally hits me. Maybe Brad _would_ be upset.

"I'm going to go put my bag away, I'll be right back. Make yourself at home."

"Okay," I say. I make my way over to the couch in front of the fireplace. We're in the middle of November and the weather is steadily getting colder. I point my wand at the fireplace, light it, sit on the floor leaning on the couch so I can be closer to the warmth, and just stare at the fire.

"Are you cold?"

I jump about a foot in the air. Okay, so I'm exaggerating but I didn't hear him coming down the stairs and he scared me. He chuckles.

"I've never liked the cold," I tell him honestly.

"Well, Brad will kill me if you freeze to death so here's a blanket," Sirius grins. He conjures a blanket and hands it to me.

I take it gratefully and wrap it around myself. He sits on the couch and I stay on the floor.

We both have the spell down in about half an hour and now we have another hour left. Wow.

"So," Sirius begins, "this is only your third year at Hogwarts, right?"

"Yeah, my parents are overbearingly protective and they insisted on home schooling me," I answer with a grimace.

He laughs at this. "I take it that you weren't happy about that?"

"Not at all. Mikayla would come home every summer and tell me how great Hogwarts was and I kept bugging my parents to let me come. They didn't until fifth year."

"Yeah, I remember Mikayla mentioning she had a friend who was home schooled when I first met her. But at least you're here now," he says, trying to be positive.

"True, but I haven't been here very long and it's already ending. This is our last year here and I wish I had been here since first year."

"I see your point; I think I would have gone crazy at home. Then again, that would have been before I started hating my family and vice versa so maybe it wouldn't have been so bad."

He says the last part low and I'm not sure if I was supposed to hear it. My mouth is open before I can stop it. "I'm sorry," I say simply.

He looks up, a hint of sorrow in his eyes. "I shouldn't be surprised that you know all about my wonderful family. It's not exactly a secret, is it?"

"Er, no, but if it makes you feel better, you aren't wrong for going against them. And I'm sure they don't hate you, I think they're mostly hurt that you didn't turn out the way they hoped."

"In other words, I'm a disappointment to them," he says bitterly. He's staring at the fire but it doesn't look like he's seeing it.

I stare at the fire too, not knowing what to say. I sit on the couch and lightly touch his arm to get his attention. I make sure he's looking at me before going on.

"Even if they do, you aren't Sirius. I don't know you very well, but I know one thing. You're strong. You don't let other people's beliefs sway you and you're strong enough to stand up for what you believe in, even against your own family. I don't know if I would have been able to do that."

Sirius smiles wryly. "You make me sound a lot better than I really am. Thanks though, I appreciate it. And I'm sorry; I really shouldn't have dumped any of this on you. We hardly know each other and this was just too heavy a topic."

"Don't worry about it," I smile warmly. "I'm sure this is tough for you and, er, if you ever need anyone to talk, I'm available."

He returns my smile. "Thanks, I appreciate that too. Let's lighten the mood though," he says, his usual exuberance returning.

The rest of the hour passes quickly. We talk about everything from school to friends. I laugh as he tells me about pranks he and the other marauders have done. He teases me about Brad and I tease him about random girls we both know. We sometimes get a bit serious though not as serious as before, when we brush on the topic of Sean again. Though he doesn't say it, I see that it bothers him that Sean won't be spending time with him.

"Why does it bother you?" I ask him.

"Ah, you noticed." He shakes his head slowly. "I just feel like I'm losing all my best mates to girls. James is always with Lily, and now Sean will always be with Tiffany. Even Remus, the boy who swore he would never have a girl, is now going out with Anna! And Peter seems to have a different group of friends too."

"Why did Remus swear off relationships?" I ask curiously. That is odd for a

teenage boy to do.

Sirius looks like he's been caught. "Er, it's a rather personal thing for him, I'm sorry."

"Oh, it's no problem, I understand. So why don't you find someone too? It's not like it would be hard for you," I say.

I take a furtive look at his body and face. No, it wouldn't be hard at all.

"Eh, I like being single, but I'll settle down if I find the right girl. I just haven't."

"How cute!" I tease him. "But speaking of finding the right girl, Sean has told me that it took James years to get Lily on his good side."

"Ha-ha yeah, I could write a book about it." I laugh as he tells me stories of James' attempts at winning Lily over before they started going out at the start of the term.

We talk about Quidditch. He's on the Gryffindor team and though I don't play on the Ravenclaw team, I still love it. He's surprised that I like it and I explain to him how my tutor got me to love it. We talk until it's time to meet Professor Sorenson. In the time span of an hour, I got to know Sirius more than I know the girls in my dormitory.

We make our way down the nearly empty halls; we're running a bit late. We reach his classroom to find him impatiently waiting for us near his desk.

"You're late," he says irritably.

"Sorry," I say quietly. Sirius says nothing, probably trying to hold back a smart retort.

"Yes, well, you are to serve your detention starting at ten tomorrow morning. You will-"

"But tomorrow is the trip to Hogsmeade, Professor!" I choke out. I had plans with Brad . . .

"You should have thought about that before you interrupted my class, Miss Anderson. I believe it's only just that I interrupt your plans in return," he says sternly.

"Professor, I'm the one who made the remark, just give me a detention," Sirius says solemnly.

"How noble of you, Mr. Black, but you were not having a conversation with yourself during class, thus Miss Anderson will be joining you tomorrow. I expect you both here promptly at ten. End of discussion."

I walk out and I can hear Sirius follow behind me. He speaks once we're in the corridor. "Sorry, if I hadn't made that last remark in class we would have gotten off with a detention during the week."

I sigh and give him a strained smile as I make my way to lunch. "It's fine, you tried. I'm just a little disappointed, I was supposed to spend the day with Brad at Hogsmeade, but it's okay. There's always next time."

"I'll be sure not to land you in detention next time then," Sirius grins. We're at the Great Hall.

"Thanks for earlier, it was fun," I tell Sirius as we walk through the open doors.

We pause for a second and he says, "No, thank you. I'm a people person; I need to be around people most of the time. Besides, it was the least I could do after getting us thrown out."

I let out a short laugh. "Good point. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Sirius"

"Bye Jade."

With that, we both head to our respective tables.

* * *

So what do you think? Let me know!


	2. The Dark Side

"Hey Jade, why weren't you in class today?" Brad asks me when I reach him at the Ravenclaw table.

He's sitting by himself though I spot Nathalie LeBlanc not too far away sitting with the other Ravenclaw girls in our year, Samantha Rogers, Brianna Douglas, and Ashley Broomfield.

"I was, at first. It was you who wasn't there," I say, my eyebrows creasing in confusion. How did he know I wasn't there? I dump some food on my plate and take a bite.

"Oh, well I showed up almost an hour late," he grins sheepishly.

"You did? Now that's a first. Prefect Brad was an hour late to class," I tease him.

"I had some stuff to take care of," he says rather mysteriously. I open my mouth to ask what but he continues, "And I was surprised to see you missing. Where were you?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," I mutter under my breath, taking another bite of my food. "Didn't you ask Sean?"

"No, I was going to but he's been with Tiffany the whole time and I didn't want to interrupt."

"Right, Tiffany," I huff. "Well, I got kicked out of class."

Brad's eyes look like they're about to pop out of their sockets. "No way?"

"Yeah. You see, when you didn't show up Sirius took the seat next to me since it was closest to the back. We were talking and I told him that when you aren't there, Sean usually sits next to me. That's when we started talking about him and Tiffany, and then Sorenson heard us and gave us a warning. We kept talking so he gave us detention, but then Sirius made a dumb remark and he threw us out," I ramble.

"That sounds exactly like something Sirius would do," Brad smiles. "So where did you go after you were thrown out?"

I scoop some food into my mouth to buy time. Now for the part I've been dreading. Of course, I'll tell him the truth; I'm just dreading what his response will be. "Oh, well Sirius and I decided to study the spell we were supposed to learn in class so we wouldn't fall behind."

I look at him to judge his reaction. His face is calm but I sense that it upsets him, or worse, it hurts him. "You were alone with Sirius?"

"Yeah, but it's just Sirius babe, we're just friends. It was like I was hanging out with Sean," I quickly assure him.

That's not exactly true. Spending time with Sirius is nothing like spending time with Sean. Sean is like a brother to me, Sirius is an acquaintance bordering on a friend. My gaze travels along the Gryffindor table and lands on Sirius who is surrounded by friends and admirers. He's facing me and our eyes meet for a second. I quickly look away.

Brad, however, seems to cheer up at my words. "I know. I was just surprised because, well you two have never really been friends so for you to spend an hour or so with him seemed strange."

"You know that it was only because we both were thrown out. But anyway, I have some bad news," I mutter.

Brad looks alarmed now. "What is it?"

"Well, er, Sorenson really hates it when students interrupt his class and, well, he gave me and Sirius a detention," I tell him, not ready to tell him _when_ we have to serve it.

"Yeah, you mentioned something about that. When do you have to serve it?"

"At ten tomorrow morning," I answer quietly, staring at my fork.

"Tomorrow? So that means no Hogsmeade . . ." he trails off and I sneak a swift glance at his face. He looks crestfallen.

"Brad, I . . . I'm sorry. I tried to-"

Brad smiles. "It's fine Jade, I understand. I'll just go with some other friends and we can go to Hogsmeade next time."

It's times like these that I remember how much I truly love Brad. He's so sweet, patient, and understanding. He's nearly perfect.

We finish our lunch and head to our common room for our free period. As he takes my hand in his, I forget about anything not concerning us.

0o0o0o

"I'm sorry," I tell Brad for about the millionth time as we stand outside of Sorenson's classroom.

"Babe, it's okay!" he assures me. He leans down to kiss me goodbye.

"Get a room!" I hear Sirius say humorously from behind us.

I pull away from Brad and see Sirius standing behind us.

"Hey Sirius! How have you been mate?" Brad asks. He and Brad get along fairly well; they just don't hang out often.

"Eh, I've been better. I wish I didn't have to be here on a Hogsmeade day but oh well. How about you?"

"Same, I wish Jade didn't have to be here either but at least I know she won't be bored."

"You got that right! Detention is never boring as long as there's a marauder around," Sirius grins cockily.

"How right you are. I'm going to go now though, so have fun in detention. Bye love," he says to me as he leaves.

"Bye Brad," I whisper since he's too far to hear me.

"You two are just too cute," Sirius teases. He holds the door open for me and I walk in, with Sirius behind me, to see Professor Sorenson at his desk.

"You've arrived. Take a seat at this table," he points to a table in front of him. "You will be grading these exams for me," he now points to a large stack of papers in a box on the floor.

"Can't you do this magically-" Sirius starts to ask but I step on his foot to keep him from saying anything else that will get us deeper in.

The professor ignores our last comment. "Here is the answer key. You may begin as soon as you hand me your wands and grab a quill. If I hear so much as a peep out of either of you, I'll assign another detention."

I stand up obediently and quietly do as told. Sirius, on the other hand, grumbles all the way to Sorenson's desk and back.

We're there for what feels like hours grading all the exams; it's really only been two and a half hours.

"We're finished, Professor," I declare softly.

"Don't just sit there then. Bring the box to me and I'll give you your next task."

Sirius walks over to give him the heavy box. Professor Sorenson looks through the first few on top and nods his head. "Well done. Now you will each write a foot-long paper about the Patronus Charm and another six inches on the Fidelius Charm."

My eyes bulge. This is ridiculous! We don't even learn about either of those in school so what's the point of doing this? Then it hits me, that's the point, there is no point. It's all busy work.

I see Sirius open his mouth to protest but I interrupt him. "Just do this so we can get out of here sooner," I mutter.

"Fine," he grumbles.

Another two hours later and we're both done. Sirius actually finished some time before me but he was kind enough to wait. We turn our papers in and Sorenson dismisses us when he can find nothing else to have us do. We waste no time in hustling out.

"So now what? It's only two thirty," he says once we're out in the corridor.

"I have no clue where Brad is and I really don't want to go look for him. But you should go meet up with your friends, don't feel obligated to stay with me," I insist though part of me does want him to stay.

"What friends? James is with Lily and Sean with Tiffany; Remus is in the hospital wing and Peter . . . I actually don't know where Peter is."

"Don't you have any other friends?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't know where in Hogsmeade they are anyway. That and I don't want to walk all the way over there only stay for a couple of hours and then have to come back."

"So what do you want to do then?"

He thinks for a minute and then his eyes light up. "Do you know how to fly?"

"Yes," I answer slowly.

"So let's go flying!"

"Great, except I don't have a broom. Oh! Actually I'll borrow Sean's," I say. Sean won't mind, he told me I could use whenever I need it.

"Excellent! I'll go get my broom and we'll meet at the Quidditch pitch, is that okay?"

"Sure, see you in a bit," I say as I turn to go get Sean's broom.

All the way to the boy's dormitory I think about these last two days. It's funny, in a strange way, that Sirius and I have been spending so much time together. I mean, we aren't exactly strangers but we wouldn't really talk. It was only in Charms Club that we would talk. No, talk isn't the right word, we would acknowledge each other with a short "hi" or a wave, maybe exchange formalities here and there, but never had we spent this much time alone.

I grab the broom from under Sean's bed and head down to the pitch, still thinking. Now that Sirius and I spent these last two days around each other, it feels like this is normal; I feel that this is the way it has always been. Sirius is like my replacement Sean, or maybe I'm Sirius' replacement Sean? . . . Either way, it just feels right.

Of course, I haven't forgotten Brad, I still love him, but lately he's been acting strange. I noticed it yesterday when he didn't go to Defence. He's been doing that often lately, not going to class that is, and it isn't like him. He also hasn't been spending much time with me either. I understand that he has his prefect duties and whatnot, but he used to make time for me. There are times, like yesterday when I told him about my detention, in which he makes me feel loved and wanted, but there are others that . . . I don't know.

What strikes me as suspicious too is that every time Brad isn't around, Nathalie isn't either. I push those thoughts out of my mind though. I trust Brad, he's always been honest with me.

I reach the Quidditch pitch and notice that Sirius hasn't arrived yet so I just sit in the stands to wait for him. I wind is crisp so I hug my knees to my chest in an attempt to keep warm. My mind wanders again. Maybe I'm just starting to feel abandoned since Sean forgot about the rest of the world since he's back with Tiffany and Brad never seems to be around. Actually, maybe Brad has been around as much as before but it feels like it's less since I can't hang around Sean while he's away.

I'll just go with Kay's crowd. It's too bad that we're in different houses though; I wish we were in the same one.

A voice to my right interrupts my thoughts.

"Who do we have here?" a male voice asks.

I turn to where the voice is coming from and find myself staring up at McNair and Knott. I have never talked to them myself, but I've heard enough to know better than to mess with them. My hand finds my wand in my robes and grips it, ready to defend myself if necessary. I try to look brave even though I just want to run as far from them as I possibly can.

"This is the one, Carr's girl," Knott sneers.

They know Brad? Does it matter that I'm 'his girl'? "You discovered the big secret," I say sarcastically. I know sarcasm isn't my best bet at the moment, but it slipped out before I could stop it.

"Look at that, she's quite cheeky."

Where in the world is Sirius?

"Yes, she is. Why don't we show her what we do with people with too much cheek?"

Knott stops midway through pulling his wand out and stares a something behind me.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," comes Sirius' voice from behind me. I turn and see hatred etched in his face.

"Of course not. We were just musing over how Anderson here seems to get around."

"What are you going on about?" Sirius asks angrily.

"I mean that just this morning she was with Carr and now she's alone with you. We just wanted a turn."

"It's not-" I begin to say but stop when Sirius punches McNair soundly in the jaw. Why he didn't curse him is beyond me, but I don't care as long as it gets the job done.

He falls to the ground, knocked out cold, and I see Knott whip out his wand. I'm quicker though and I manage to stun him before he can do anything.

I stare at the unmoving forms before me until Sirius' words bring me back. "You're quick," he mutters.

"Thanks, and er, thanks for, er, helping me out."

"It was honestly my pleasure. I have no tolerance for them."

"What I don't get is that when they first saw me they said 'this is the one, Carr's girl'. It made it sound like they were looking for me specifically."

Sirius gives me a blank look and I mutter, "or maybe I'm just reading too much into it."

"Probably." He pauses. "Are you still up for flying or do you want to go inside? I'll understand if you're too scared."

By the way he says that last part, I know it's a challenge. "Of course I'm still up for flying. What I'm not up for is another detention so let's get these two out of here before we do anything else."

"You surprise me; I thought for sure you would back out," he comments as we levitate McNair and Knott off the field.

"A lot of girls are stronger and braver than guys give us credit for. We don't always need a knight in shining armour to come to our rescue."

"Probably not, but you can't tell me that you would be upset if one happened to come along," he returns.

"I suppose not, after all, I do have Brad."

"Enough talking, let's fly!" Sirius says, abruptly jumping on his broom and taking off.

I kick off into the air and feel the wind tousle my hair. Flying is one of the most extraordinary feelings I've ever had. I've been on airplanes and have gone to theme parks when I was young and neither planes nor roller coasters come close to the feeling of flying. A broom, on the other hand, makes me feel like I'm a bird zooming through the skies at incredible speeds. It's thrilling; it gets my adrenaline rushing.

I don't know how much time has passed but I hear Sirius challenge me to a race. I agree and we're off. I'm not surprised that he wins.

"Congratulations, you win," I tell him when we reach the ground.

"Thanks, but you're not too bad yourself. You almost had me."

"I just let you win," I wink. I walk off towards the castle and Sirius catches up to me.

"I guess we're calling it a day," he states.

"You guessed right," I grin.

"Do you think you can make it to _your_ common room without being attacked?" he asks. I see the playful glint in his eyes when he emphasizes the word 'your' in reference to my comment yesterday.

"Ha-ha you're soo funny Sirius. Yes I'm sure I'll be fine on my own," I smirk.

"If you say so, I'll see you tomorrow!" he says as we each go our own way.

"Bye."

I reach Ravenclaw Tower, knock on the door, and answer the question. I walk into the nearly empty common room and up to the boy's dormitory to put Sean's broom away. I'm surprised to see Brad on his bed reading.

"Hey Jade, how was your day?" he asks casually, but I can't help but feel like there's something he's nervous about.

"It was okay; we spent about four hours in detention doing pointless work."

"That's terrible, anything else?"

"Yeah Sirius and I got into it with McNair and Knott, we won, went flying, and now here I am."

"McNair and Knott attacked you?" I must be imagining things because I could have sworn I saw something like delight in Brad's eyes.

"No, they were about to but that's when Sirius showed up and stopped them."

"I'll have to thank Sirius for that later," he mutters.

"So why are you back so early?"

"I was bored without you," he says. I want to believe him but the look in his eyes doesn't match his words.

What is wrong here? I'm just reading all of this wrong I'm sure. I'm just tired from today's events. That's all, I'm just reading too much into it. I need to get away for a while.

"I'm going for a walk, want to join me?"

"No thanks, I'm a bit tired."

"Oh, okay." For someone who said was bored without me, he sure doesn't look like he wants to be around me.

I walk around the corridors aimlessly, just thinking. What I really want right now is to talk to Kay. The problem with that is I have no clue as to where she may be, she might even still be in Hogsmeade.

I just make my way to the library instead to catch up on some homework. If I run into Kay later then I'll talk to her. I'm already on the same floor the library is on so it takes me a whole thirty seconds to get there. It's empty except for Lily so I make my way to the table where she's sitting.

"Hi Lily," I say quietly for Madam Pince's sake.

"Hi Jade! How have you been?" she greets me excitedly. She's so vivacious.

"I've been okay. I couldn't go to Hogsmeade today so I figured I'd just come and do some homework. How about you?"

"Oh, well I was at Hogsmeade with James but we came back early because he was caught fighting with some Slytherins."

"Really? Why was he fighting with them?"

"They called me a mudblood," Lily explains.

"They're all prats, but it's sweet that he fought for your honour," I tease.

"Ha-ha-ha," she says wryly. "From what Sirius told me, it sounds like he fought for yours as well."

"You talked to him already?"

"I saw him and Sean on my way up here and we talked for a minute."

"Wow, that was fast. Anyway, I think it was more because he hates them than anything else."

"Maybe that was part of it, but Sirius has learned to control himself so it was for you as well," she smiles. Then she pauses, looking like she has something important to say. "Can I ask you something personal?"

"Of course," I tell her. I'm not so close to her that I would tell her everything so if she asks something I don't want to answer, I won't.

"Doesn't Brad mind that you've been spending so much time with Sirius?"

Is that it? "I don't think so, and if he does he doesn't show it. He shouldn't though because it's not like Sirius and I are the best of friends. I think we're more acquaintances than anything."

"I think he sees you as a friend."

I think about this for a second. "I suppose we could be considered friends _now_, but we've hardly ever talked before yesterday."

"Yes you have! At Charms Club and whenever you come with Sean you and Sirius talk. They're not full blown conversations but they're more than formalities too."

"I guess . . . I don't know. It's not something I think about much to be honest."

"True." Lily looks like she's debating something. "I wasn't sure if I should make anything of this but I saw Brad with Nathalie and her friends."

I start at this new information. "He was with her? Was he the only guy?"

"Er, yes," she says slowly. "It was just him with the other seventh year Ravenclaw girls."

So he was with Nathalie and those other three traitors. "That sneaky little-"

"But maybe he met up with some other people later," she tries to amend quickly. "I'm sorry, I wasn't sure if I should tell you or not."

"No, I'm glad you did. I need to know these things. That might explain his odd behaviour."

"Odd behaviour?"

"Er, it's nothing really, I'm probably just imagining things," I tell her. I'm not so close to her to tell her everything, though part of me wants to. Is that why Brad has been ditching classes and disappearing for hours on end? Is he cheating on me? And if he is, since when? Where does that leave us? "Do you think I should confront him about it?"

"Ah, I don't know. I would say yes because there's no point in having a relationship without trust, but this is something heavy."

"True." My stomach is twisting and my heart feels as if it's been stabbed. "This changes things. Thanks for everything Lily but I really need to go find Sean," I say in what I hope is a steady voice.

"I understand. Sean was walking around the grounds with Sirius when I stopped to talk to them. I was surprised to see him away from Tiffany for once," she rolls her eyes.

I give her a strained smile. "Thanks."

I look out the windows hoping to catch a glimpse of them as I rush outside. I spot them not too far from the Whomping Willow and walk faster so they don't leave before I reach them. I make it outside in record time and try to compose myself before I see them.

_This is as ready as I'll ever be. Just go already._

"Hey Sean, wait!" I call to him in particular.

He and Sirius turn around. "Hey Jade," Sean greets me.

"Hey Sean, Sirius," My stomach is still a twisted knot and my heart still feels as if it's being torn, but I try to cover it up with a grin as I greet them.

"Hi Jade," Sirius says.

Sean looks at me and I can see the concern in his eyes; he knows something wrong. "Is everything okay?"

"Er, yeah, I just need to talk to you," I stutter in a small voice. I had it all under control until I saw him worry; for some reason that made me lose it and it was all I could do to keep my tears at bay.

"It's Brad isn't it?" I open my mouth to ask him how he knows but he answers my question before I even ask. "I saw him. Who told you?"

"Lily." I sneak a look at Sirius and see that he, too, looks concerned though he hasn't said anything. I suppose he feels it would be intruding and I can't help but wish that Sean had waited until Sirius wasn't around.

Sean sighs. "Brad can be such a git, I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong," I whisper hoarsely.

A tear escapes and Sean pulls me into an embrace. "Sorry mate but-"

"Say no more, I completely understand," Sirius interrupts Sean.

"Thanks, I'll see you tomorrow at Charms Club."

"Until tomorrow then."

Sean puts a comforting arm around my shoulder and leads me to the castle. I don't know exactly why I'm crying. I know Brad and I are still together but . . . I suppose it's the thought of losing him that frightens me. Brad has been my best friend since I started at Hogwarts and more than that for about a year, I can't easily let go of him. He's . . . a part of me, in a way. I can't really explain it, it's just a feeling that's there.

We sit shoulder to shoulder against a wall of the castle outside. "So talk to me. What's going on?"

"I don't know Sean. I was talking to Lily and she told me she saw them together. Do you think he's . . . cheating on me?"

"Honestly? Look, don't get mad Jade but this isn't the first time he's with her. Why do you think I've been around Sirius and his crowd lately?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I think Brad is confused and I don't want to know anything about it because he'll expect me to keep it from you and I won't be able to so I just stay away."

Sean's words resonate in my mind: _I think he's confused. _That can only mean one thing and I hope we're wrong.

"Sean, you knew about this and didn't tell me?"

"I didn't want to worry you. It could have been nothing-"

"Or it could have been everything!"

"We don't know that," he says quietly.

That's when I realize he's probably torn over this. On the one hand, he has Brad, his best mate even though he's wrong. On the other hand, he has me who is being wronged but who isn't as close to him as Brad is.

"I could be completely wrong about all of this though. I've only seen him talk to her a couple of times before and it wasn't for very long." Sean sounds like he's trying to convince himself as much as me.

"Has he said anything that gives you a different impression?"

"Not really, he's just asked a couple of questions in passing."

"Like what?"

Sean avoids my eyes. "Er, he just seemed to be questioning himself."

"About him and me?"

"Partly, but also about his beliefs regarding . . . muggleborns."

"As in he thinks they're right? He thinks this Voldemort guy and his 'Death Eaters' as they call themselves have a point?"

"I don't know Jade! This isn't like him at all. I think someone's making him question himself, he seemed confused."

As I said, she's the Devil's spawn. The water works start up again "You seem to forget that I'm a muggleborn! I'm in trouble if he starts believing the whole pureblood mania thing!" I manage in between sobs.

Sean reaches his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him. "I don't think so. Brad loves you, he wouldn't hurt you, I'm sure of that."

"If that's so true then why is he sneaking around with her and changing his beliefs about people like me?" I ask fiercely.

"You don't know that for sure. For all we know he hasn't ever talked to her alone."

"For all we know he has and this is all part of his descent into the dark side!" My voice is frantic by now.

Sean snickers slightly. "Okay, don't go all Star Wars on me now."

"This is serious Sean!"

"I know it is Jade, I just think you're being a little dramatic. For one, Nathalie isn't part of the 'dark side', she's just a tart."

"No, she could be one of the Death Eaters. I'll bet she is! Listen, you said that he was spending time with her and that he's been questioning his views, what if it's her fault?"

"Jay, relax, I highly doubt she's a Death Eater. And we could be completely wrong."

"I don't think we are," I tell him quietly. There's this nagging feeling I have and it's telling me that I'm right, and that's the last thing I want to believe.

"Well, we'll just take things one day at a time okay?" he gives me a reassuring smile but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"Sure, but I have a question. Should I confront him about this or just leave things alone?"

"That's completely up to you. But if you do confront him, don't sound like you're attacking or accusing him."

"Alright, I guess we should head up then," I say grudgingly.

Sean rises and holds out a hand to help me up. I take it and we start walking back to our common room. At least I thought we both were but when we reach the top of the marble staircase Sean stops and turns to me.

"Do you mind walking by yourself the rest of the way? I want to say goodnight to-"

"Tiffany, right. Go ahead, I'll see you later," I mumble. Sean nods his head in thanks and takes off. The poor lovesick boy.

I make my way to the common room lost in thought, as always.

Surprise of all surprises, I see Sirius walking down the corridor I just turned on. There's no avoiding him now, we're the only ones here and he's already seen me. "We always seem to be running into each other, don't we?" I say with a wry smile.

"That we do. Where's Sean?"

"He wanted to say goodnight to Tiffany," I say slightly annoyed.

"He left you by yourself to say goodnight to her? He let you walk alone after what happened today?" he asks incredulously.

"Oh, I hadn't even thought about that," I say slowly. "Well, you did too after we went flying."

"Yes but that was while McNair and Knott were still out cold!"

"Thanks for your concern, but I've made it this far without incident, I'm sure I can make it back safely. After all, I'm a big girl now, I can take care of myself," I tease.

He smiles. "All things considered, I'd rather not take chances. I'll walk you to your common room."

"But then you'll be on your own after," I point out.

"You're forgetting I'm a marauder, I have my ways," he says in a playfully mysterious tone.

"If you insist, but I have one condition."

"Yes?" he prompts.

"Well, I want to put your marauder skills to the test so lead the way to the Ravenclaw Tower," I smirk.

He grins. "That really won't be a problem. Follow me."

A little less than ten minutes later and we're at the door to the common room. I have to hand it to him; Sirius really does know the castle well. He led us through secret passageways that got us here faster than I normally do.

"Impressive," I mutter.

"I try," he jokes. "I'll see you tomorrow then. Goodnight."

"Night."

_That was fun._

It was, Sirius is fun to talk to but still, the only thing I can feel now is dread at discovering something about Brad that I don't want to.

_Suck it up and talk to him, Jade._

I give the door the answer and I walk in. I see no sign of Brad in the common room so I walk over to a friend of ours. "Hey Colin, do you know where Brad is?"

"Yeah, he's in the dormitory. He hasn't been down since he got back."

"Oh, that's . . . thanks Colin."

_What is with him?_

As I make my way up the staircase, I feel my heart racing. There's really no reason for this reaction but I can't help it. My dread is making this trip so much harder than it normally would be. I knock on the door when I reach it.

"Come in," Brad calls.

I turn the knob and will my heart to quiet down.

"Hey Jade, come join me," he smiles warmly.

That one simple gesture has the ability to melt my heart. I walk over to him and sit on the bed next to him.

"So you never told me how Hogsmeade went," I ask casually.

"Didn't I? Well it was okay, though it would have been much better with you around."

I stare at him in disbelief. He cannot be serious, a couple of hours ago he didn't seem to want to be around me at all and now . . .

"So the people you went with provided no entertainment?" I ask in what I hope is a light voice.

"None at all," he smiles.

"Hmm, who did you go with anyway?" I ask nonchalantly. I want to see how much information he volunteers.

"Just some friends."

"Really? Who are these friends?"

"Aren't we full of questions today?" he teases.

"Yes we are," I tease back. Or, at least I hope my tone is teasing.

He's sits up next to me and brings his lips to mine. The kiss starts innocently, like always, but it heats up quickly. Brad flips me on my back so he's on top and our lips move against each other roughly. He holds some of his weight up on one elbow while his other hand is under my shirt slowly pushing it up.

I pull away breathlessly at this. We've never gone this far, he's usually good about respecting my boundaries. "Brad."

"Mm?" he asks as his mouth moves down to my neck.

"Brad stop," I try again.

He brings his eyes up to mine and I see resentment flit across them. "I guess I got carried away," he mutters and then rolls off me without apologizing.

I sit up and he turns away. The action hurts me. "I'm sorry," I whisper, though why I'm apologizing is beyond me. I suppose I feel guilty for upsetting him.

He says nothing so I leave to my dormitory without having asked him about that abominable girl. Once I'm on my bed, I do the homework I wasn't able to do in the library. It takes me a couple of hours but I finish before any of the other girls have come up. Now that my mind isn't occupied with homework, I'm free to go over the conversation with Brad. I know Brad and I are drifting, and I wonder how long we'll go on like this. I fall to sleep even though it is only nine to stop the nagging fears.

* * *

So that was chapter two, I hope you liked it! Let me know : )


	3. The Breakup

I am so sorry it took me so long to update! I don't have the internet right now so I had to go to my friend's house and use the internet there : / So here it is at last, chapter three

* * *

"Let's start with the heaviest topic first," Mikayla directs

"Let's start with the heaviest topic first," Mikayla directs.

We just left the Charms Club meeting and we're sitting against the beech tree by the lake trying to ignore all the noise from the other students playing on the grounds.

"Kay, I don't know what to do about Brad," I say quietly.

"What do you mean? What's going on with you two?"

I pour out my heart at that moment. I tell her everything that's happened. I start with the changes I've seen in him; the ditching classes, his disappearing for hours on end and not telling me where he's been, his secretiveness, and other little things. I then tell her about the last two days, Friday and Saturday, even today.

"Each day he gets more distant! I don't know what to make of it!"

"Whoa Jade, let me catch up. So on Friday he ditched and you ended up with detention and you spent a few hours with Sirius," her tone changes with that last part, but I can't make out the emotion. She continues, "But he still acted normal-"

"Yes."

"Okay, and yesterday when he walked you to detention he sounded sad that you wouldn't be with him, and then when you next saw him he looked disappointed that those two baboons didn't get you?"

"I might have read that wrong, I'm not sure, but this morning he would hardly even look at me! I practically begged him to come to the meeting and then hang out but he said he had a 'prior engagement'. What idiocy is that?"

That's when it dawned on me. That was the perfect explanation for his actions this morning, at least. "There's something I left out. Last night, he uh, well, he kept changing his moods. In the morning he wanted me around, when he came back he didn't, so I left. When I came back a couple of hours later he did, he also, er-"

"Jade, stop your ridiculous blushing and just spit it out," Kay said impatiently. With anyone else, I would have been offended at those words, but it's Kay, we get along like that.

"Well, he tried to go further, if you know what I mean." I'm sure my face is the shade of Lily's hair.

"I think that's normal, you've been going out with him for over a year."

"No, he's never tried anything before! He would talk to me about it or something. That's not the point though, when I stopped him he got mad. He wouldn't talk to me or even look at me. Do you think that's why he was acting that way this morning?"

"That's a possibility, but if that's the reason than don't worry about it. You did the right thing, if you weren't ready to take that next step than he, as your boyfriend who loves you, should respect that."

"I guess. I honestly don't know what I would do if we break up Kay. I've been with him so long, I . . . I don't know."

"Are you listening to yourself? You sound pathetic Jade," Kay said softly.

"I know, it's just . . . you don't understand, it's really-"

"Don't worry Jade, you'll be perfectly fine. Maybe Brad is just going through something."

"I doubt it; he's hanging out with another girl and is starting to believe the stupid pureblood superiority for Merlin's sake! I'm a muggle born! Those two put together don't mix!"

I can see that she doesn't have an answer for that one.

"What did Sean say about it?"

"He told me to take things one day at a time."

"Wow, I'm surprised, Sean doesn't normally say something so smart," Kay teases.

"He's actually pretty deep when he wants to be."

"I know, I was messing. Anyway, I like his advice, just take things one day at a time. Whatever happens though, the relationship you have with Brad is wonderful; it's been wonderful hasn't it? He loved you and you loved him and you two had a wonderful thing so no regrets okay?"

"We haven't broken up Kay but you're sure making it sound like we will," I say hoarsely. Tears slip out of my eyes; ending things with Brad is the last thing on earth I want to happen.

Mikayla sees this and hugs me tightly. "I didn't mean that-"

"I know," I interrupt, "I'm just being sensitive today. Let's move on to a lighter topic. Tell me about you, what's been going on?"

Kay's eyes brighten. "I went to Hogsmeade with Michael yesterday."

"Michael Bishop? How did it go? Are you two dating now?"

"Yes, Michael Bishop and it was great," she laughs. "And yes, we're dating. I just want to get to know him before anything else."

She is positively glowing and the joy radiating from her drains away any unpleasantness for the time being. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I wanted to but it's hard to get a hold of you! When I'm not busy either you are or I can't find you, and I don't like randomly going to your table at meals."

"It's surprising how little we see each other even though we both live here," I muse.

"We need to find a way to communicate or let each other know to meet . . . like walkie-talkies or something."

"We'll work on that later but I'm getting cold, let's go inside," I say as I get up.

Mikayla follows suit and we both walk to the castle only to be met by Brad and Nathalie.

I stop dead in my tracks.

"Je crois qu'elle est furieuse," I hear her whisper to him.

Stupid girl with her stupid French acting like she and Brad are the only ones in the entire bloody school who know it.

Okay, so I'm one of the ones who don't speak French, but I understand the simple stuff. I just can't speak it to save my life. My parents tried to teach me but it wouldn't stick.

"Obviously I'm angry, Nathalie, because there's no reason for you being around _my_ boyfriend," I say coldly.

"Jade-"

"And you!" I turn on Brad. "You said you had a 'prior engagement'! Is this it? You've been with _her_ the whole day?" I ask, my voice and temper rising.

"Don't raise your voice at me Jade, and let's talk about this rationally."

"You aren't my father Bradley so don't treat me like I'm your daughter! I will raise my voice when I like!"

"Fine, look for me once you've stopped acting like you're two," he says and leaves with Nathalie in tow.

I stand there open mouthed for what feels like an hour.

"I hope you give him hell for that later," Kay tells me as she pushes me up the marble staircase.

I'm more hurt than mad now. I shouldn't have been such a brat. "I don't think I will. He's right, I was acting immature."

"Will you listen to yourself Jade? _He_ is wrong and you're blaming this on yourself? He is not right; you have every right to be angry at him!"

She always gets mad at me for things like this. She says I need to grow a spine because when it comes to Brad I'm a push over. I disagree, she just happens to be around when I'm a pushover rather than when I stand my ground.

Then again, I wouldn't exactly admit I was a pushover so maybe I really am. I don't know.

"You're right, but I didn't get anywhere by raising my voice. Do you think he's cheating on me?"

"Isn't the writing on the wall?" says a voice behind us.

I turn to see Knott leaning against the banister sneering at me. "What do you care?"

"I don't, I just find it amusing that you think a pureblood would care about cheating on a filthy mudblood. Carr would leave you for that pureblood in a flash."

He's bounding down the staircase before either of us can say anything.

"He doesn't know what he's talking about," Kay assures me.

For some reason I don't believe her. It might have something to do with the fact that I just saw Brad and Nathalie alone together (note heavy sarcasm).

Oo0o0

"Are you ready to talk or are you going to shout some more?"

That's Brad's way of starting a conversation. How I ever thought he was sweet and caring, I don't know. Then again this could just be my anger speaking.

"I'm calm," I say in a steady voice. It's just before dinner and we're in his dorm, sitting across from each other on his bed. I want to get the truth out and this heavy weight lifted off my chest as soon as possible.

"I want you to know I'm not cheating on you, I never have. Nathalie and I are just friends."

I want that to be all he has to say and for us to make up there, but I can see his mind isn't on the same track so I wait for him to go on.

"I don't know what to say." He looks uncertain, even awkward, sitting in front of me.

"We've always been able to talk things out. Just say something. Explain to me why everyone has seen you with Nathalie when you're not around me."

"Like I said, I haven't ever cheated on you, but I'll admit that I'm confused."

Those three words crush me more effectively than had he used a ton of bricks. "About what?" I ask quietly.

I know where this is going. I suppose I've known all along, I just didn't want to see the signs. For some strange reason I want to make him say it. I might have just gone mad.

"Everything Jay."

"Even us?"

"Especially us."

"Oh." I can't look at him anymore. Instead, I focus on a piece of lint on my robes.

"I think maybe we should take a break," he continues after an awkward silence.

"Oh," is all I say. I'm staring at the lint like it's the most fascinating thing on the planet.

The truth is that he tore my heart out and stomped on it a few times. I mean, I gave him over a year of my life and this is how it ends? He's confused and wants to take a _break_? I keep quiet lest my voice betray me and tears flow out. The last thing I want to do is to cry in front of my heartbreaker.

"Jade," he lifts my chin with his finger and I have no choice but to look at him. "I still love you."

I can't hold it back anymore. I break out into sobs while Brad holds me tightly to him. If he still loved me, he wouldn't be doing this to me. Besides, he doesn't even sound slightly hurt.

"I'm so sorry Jade, I'm so sorry. This isn't fair to you at all but I reckon it's better than being with someone who can't offer you his whole heart. I'm really sorry."

No matter how much I try, I can't bring myself to hate him right now. He just broke up with me and I'm not angry with him. I suppose it has something to do with him holding me and refusing to let go until I feel better. As if that'll happen anytime soon.

Nevertheless, I force myself to stop crying after a couple of minutes. "I'll be fine Brad, I just have to go."

He doesn't loosen his hold on me. "Are you sure?"

Can't he see how much he's hurting me? I believe he still cares about me, which is why he isn't letting go, but he clearly doesn't care enough to stay with me. I just need . . . I don't know what I need. I need to get out of here, away from him. I need an escape, something to dull the pain, something to make me forget. Anything.

"I'm sure," I answer quietly.

He lets go and I make it to the door before he calls out to me. "Jade."

I turn and wait for him to speak.

"Just know that I do love you and I hope we can still be friends."

Ugh, are guys honestly that thick? Does he really think that we can be friends again just like that? Not only is that insensitive, it's also stupid. I shake my head and leave without looking back.

Dinner started about ten minutes ago but I don't want food, so I go to my dorm instead. After making sure no one else is inside, I throw myself on my bed and let the tears take over once again. I have no idea how long I lay there crying but I eventually relaxed enough to fall asleep.

O0o0o0

It's five thirty and I'm beyond tired, my eyes burn from crying all night. I get up and shower since I have nothing else to do. I'm debating whether I should go to classes today or pretend I'm sick.

I don't want to see him. If I don't go though, he'll know it's because of him and I don't want to let him know how much he's hurt me.

How can I hide it though when it's all I can feel? How can I hide it when everything reminds me of him? Tears well up in my eyes and I let them fall.

_Oh, how am I ever going to survive this day?_

One glance in the mirror shows me how terrible I look. It's barely six and I'm already showered and dressed, but it's too early to go down to breakfast. The girls are waking up and Nathalie is one of the last people I want to see.

I grab my bag and head to the common room. Luckily, it's empty so I'm free to sprawl myself on the couch and take out my Arithmancy book; a little extra studying never goes amiss. I try to focus but it's not happening; my mind wanders to last night's events.

It's frustrating. It's like a toothache that won't let you concentrate on anything. You try to forget it or ignore it but the throbbing pain doesn't allow that. Take that and magnify it 100 times.

I want to hate Brad, but I can't. Not now at least. I wish he had been a prick when he ended it because that would make it so much easier to hate him. Speaking of the devil, I'm about to slam my book shut when I hear his voice behind me.

"Good morning Jade. Mind if I join you?"

What little progress my heart made last night in mending was a waste because it shatters all over again when I hear him speak and look up to his face. Didn't he see me shake my head yesterday when he asked if we could be friends?

"I'm sorry but I was actually just leaving," I manage to say as I pack my book in my bag.

"It's six thirty; it's too early for breakfast."

"I know, I'm meeting Mikayla," I lie and walk out quickly. I can't be around him, not yet. It hurts too much.

_How will I make it through today? Tomorrow? This week?_

It seems that all I've been doing lately is crying, but I can't help it. I wander around aimlessly trying to think of something to do. Nothing comes to mind except walking around the grounds.

I'm not outside for long before I see Sean making his way over to me.

"You look like hell, Jade," he says upon reaching me.

"A simple 'good morning' would have sufficed," I snap.

"Sorry. Er, Brad told me what happened."

My annoyance at Sean ebbs into misery. "It's so bad, Sean, I don't know what to do. I can't hold myself together," I sob.

He hugs me tightly. "I know Jade; I know exactly how you feel. You can't breathe, you can't think, you can't feel anything but that pain, that burning pain inside and that hole where your heart used to be. You feel like you've lost a part of yourself that you'll never get back. You feel so much yet so little."

I continue sobbing and nod.

"It's really bad right now, and it will be for a while, but I promise that it gets better."

"How did you do it? How were you able to go on after you and Tiffany ended it the first time?" I ask in between sobs.

"I won't lie to you, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but time goes on, and time heals everything. That and I had friends to help me through it. Keep busy, avoid being alone with your thoughts and emotions at first until you're able to sort through them. Surround yourself with people you like. People who make you laugh are the best. Laughter helps more than you can imagine."

"I don't have anyone Sean. It was always Brad and me or you and me, now I have neither of you. Kay has Michael now and I know she would give up time with him for me but I don't want to bring her down when she's so happy."

"You still have me Jade. I won't be around as much but I'll make time for you, and when you're not with me, you can go with Kay. Or, don't you get along with the Gryffindor crowd?"

"Not really, I get along with Lily and Mary and a little with Sirius, but I only know the rest by name. I don't talk to them."

"I'll introduce you to them and they'll take you in. They're great people and they'll make you laugh."

"I don't want to be a burden on anyone, and we're not even in the same house."

"You won't be a burden, the girls and Sirius like you and when the rest get to know you they will too. As for you not being in the same house, who cares? People do it all the time. Even Professor Dumbledore is saying how these are the times to forget about our differences and come together. Now dry your eyes and let's go meet some new people."

"Not right now, I'll talk to Lily in class but right now I really need to sit with Kay."

"All right but let's get rid of your puffy, red eyes." He points his wand at my eyes and they don't burn anymore. He must have used a nonverbal spell.

"Where did you learn that spell?"

"Don't worry about it," he winks.

We walk to the castle and into the Great Hall which is starting to fill up. I look at my watch and am surprised to see that it's already seven thirty.

"Thanks for everything Sean," I say.

"No problem," he smiles and walks off to find Tiffany while I go find Kay.

I don't like showing up randomly at another house's table which is why I've never done it, but I don't care today.

"Good morning," I say as cheerfully as I can when I see her sitting at the Hufflepuff table with Michael and her friends.

A chorus of 'good mornings' greets me.

"So what brings you to this side of town?" Mandy asks good-humouredly.

"I decided I would grace you with my presence," I grin. I surprise myself with my lighthearted attitude. Maybe Sean was right; as long as I'm with friends, I'll be okay.

"Eat something," Kay invites.

"I'm not hungry, but thanks. I'll just get some water."

"So this is a first. I'm shocked that Brad let you sit away from him," Brittany teases.

"Ah, that." _Breathe Jade, breathe. Relax, breathe, answer._ "Yeah, we ended it yesterday so I'm free."

I can see the pity in their eyes and the pain crashes down on me once again. I fight to restrain my tears and win, barely.

"I'm-"

I stop Kay before she can finish. "Don't worry about it, I'm fine. Let's just not talk about it." I smile but I'm sure they can see how fake it is. She gives me that look that says 'we'll talk later'.

We chatter about trivial things until it's time to go to class. I say bye and make my way to Arithmancy. It used to bother me that Brad wasn't in this class with me but now I'm grateful for it. I take a seat at an empty table and Lily takes the seat next to me a couple of minutes later.

"Good morning Jade," she smiles.

"Morning Lily, how are you?" I ask.

"I'm a little sleepy but other than that, excellent. How about you?"

"Same," I lie. I wouldn't mind telling her about Brad but I don't want to bring it up unexpectedly either.

"That's good to know. So you worked things out with Brad then?"

Class begins before I can answer which ends the conversation since Lily isn't one to break the rules, and neither am I now that I think about it.

That class ends and all too soon, I'm on my way to Defence. I say bye to Lily since she has Herbology this hour. I prepare myself to face Brad; it's too bad he has any classes with me at all.

I'm one of the first in class and I rush to the back of the classroom and sit at a table furthest away from Brad's usual seat. Unfortunately, when Brad walks in I see him make his way towards me. Why is he trying to be my best friend _now_? I look around for a potential saviour, but all I see is Sean talking hurriedly to Sirius.

"Oi Brad!" Sean calls urgently.

Brad turns and before I know it, Sirius takes the empty seat next to me.

"Hi Jade, sorry for taking this seat so abruptly but I figured you wouldn't mind," he says. His voice is low so only I hear him and I can see the knowledge in his eyes.

"Sean told you," I state more than ask.

"Er, yeah. I reckon you saw our performance back there?"

I nod. "It was slick," I say without emotion.

"Thanks," he grins but quickly sobers. "Seriously though, how are you doing?"

My throat constricts. "I'm holding up."

Class begins but we ignore Sorenson. "Is it hard being around him?"

I stare straight ahead but I feel Sirius' eyes on me. I'm fighting the tears again.

"Let's get out of here," Sirius suggests.

I think about this. I want to leave, but we already missed on Friday and I'm not looking forward to another detention. Then again, it is hard being in class right now. My good side wins. "We can't miss anymore class and I don't want a detention."

"Sure we can, and we won't get thrown out again."

Why is Sirius willing to do this? Does he genuinely care or did Sean put him up to it? "What do you have in mind?"

He grins mischievously. "You're going to suddenly feel sick and dizzy and will need an escort to the hospital wing. Put your head down and act nauseous."

I do as I'm told and I hear Professor Sorenson from up front. "Yes Mr. Black?"

"Professor," he says innocently. "I think Jade is sick sir. She said she feels nauseous."

"Miss Anderson?" he calls. I look up and I must look miserable because he believes me right away. "Very well, you may go to the hospital wing."

"Act dizzy when you stand up," Sirius whispers out of the corner of his mouth.

I feel all eyes on me as I stand but I sway side to side like Sirius told me to do.

"I don't think I can make it Professor," I say weakly.

Brad raises his hand, to volunteer to take me I'm sure, but Sirius beats him. "I think it would be best if someone takes her, sir. I can go if you wish."

"Very well Mr. Black. Mind you get your assignments afterwards as you have missed enough class as is."

Sirius nods and leads me out slowly, one hand at the small of my back and the other holding my hand. Once we're outside, we drop the act.

"Let's go to my common room."

We reach the common room in record time thanks to Sirius' shortcuts. I sit on the couch and he joins me, putting space in between us for decency's sake. It's taking all my constraint to keep from crying while we sit in silence. After a minute, he speaks.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Do I want to talk about it?

Yes.

No.

What I really want is for this all to be a dream. "I wouldn't know what to say."

"It doesn't matter. As long as you talk about it, it'll help."

I sigh, knowing he's right. I decide to give him the short version. "I guess I knew this was going to happen all along. It's not as if the signs weren't there, I just chose to ignore them up until a couple of days ago. Yesterday I was talking to Kay about it and we ran into Brad. He was with her, he was with Nathalie."

I pause and he doesn't say anything. I presume he's giving me a chance to let it all out so I continue. "We had a talk later that night and that's when it happened. He started by saying that he had never cheated on me, but that he was confused and that we should take a break. He told me he still loved me and I started crying so he held me and wouldn't let go until I stopped."

"What a prat," Sirius mutters under his breath.

"I thought it was rather sweet," I inform him.

"Sweet? Are you kidding Jade? That bloke leaves you after a year because he's confused about another girl and you think he's sweet because he hugged you and said he loved you?"

"I . . . yeah." There's no point arguing this because he makes a valid point. Instead, I pause, wondering if I should ask him a question that has been nagging at me. I decide to do it. "Sirius, do you think she's pretty."

"Yes," he answers after thinking for a second.

I'm hurt. He was supposed to say that she's hideous and can't believe that anyone would find her attractive.

He sees the look on my face and continues. "I wasn't going to lie to you, and besides, looks aren't everything."

I almost smile. Almost. "We both know you don't believe that Sirius."

"I really do, at least now I do. I'm not saying that looks aren't important, because they are, but I want someone attractive with a good personality, and I'm sure most guys agree with me."

I stare at him wide-eyed and disbelieving. "So what are you saying? That Brad left me because I have neither while Nathalie has both?"

Sirius chuckles slightly. "Jade, that's not what I'm saying at all! I think you look just as good as Nathalie does, and judging from your friendship with Sean, I'm sure you have a better personality than she has."

"You really mean that?" I sniffle.

"You're such a dork," he snickers.

"You're not very sensitive are you?"

"I think I've been doing decently, don't you?"

"Well, I guess." I pause, again wondering if I should ask him another question that's been nagging at me. "I know every girl in the history of the universe who has been left for someone else has asked this question, but I'm honestly curious. What does she have that I don't?"

"I bet this is the answer everyone who is asked that question gives, but I honestly believe it. She's got nothing on you and Brad is a bloody fool for letting you go."

He's right. Everyone gives that answer.

I find it hard to believe but drop it anyway. "What I don't get is why he's trying to be my best friend all of a sudden. He keeps looking for me and wanting to talk when the last thing I want to do is see him!"

"Ah well, guys can be idiots. Maybe he feels he needs to make it up to you?"

"What I need is for him to stay away from me."

"So what are you going to do at meal times and breaks?"

"I don't know, Mikayla is seeing Michael now and Sean is hooked on Tiffany, though he promised that he would make time for me."

"Well whenever they're too busy for you, come join us. You already know the girls in our crowd and you'll get along with James, Remus, and Peter once you get to know them. Besides, I seem to find myself alone often nowadays, some company wouldn't go amiss."

"Thanks Sirius, I appreciate it."

"It's no problem, friends help each other out."

Friends, I suppose that's what we are now. "Yeah . . . hey, do you think you can walk me back to my common room? I didn't get much sleep last night and I want to take a nap."

"You're not going to the rest of your classes?"

"There's no point to that really, it's not like I can focus anyway."

"Oh, okay. Why don't you just stay here so you don't have to walk all the way back?"

I hesitate. It would be better than having to walk back, and I wouldn't have to risk running in to Brad. . . "Er, okay. Where?"

"In the boy's dormitory I suppose. You can sleep on my bed and I'll come get you at lunch so you can eat."

"I'd rather sleep to be honest."

Sirius frowns slightly. "I think you should at least eat something and go back to sleep after if you're still tired."

"I'd really rather not. I doubt I'll be hungry."

Now he narrows his eyes in suspicion. "When was the last time you ate?"

"Lunch yesterday," I answer, looking out the window.

"You're eating lunch," he says firmly.

I can see he won't budge, but he doesn't understand. "I honestly don't have an appetite."

"It doesn't matter. Whether you're hungry or not, your body still needs food for energy," he says sternly.

"I can't be in the same room with him," I admit quietly.

He softens his voice. "I know it hurts, but don't do this to yourself."

I start to cry again. He has no idea how much it hurts. No idea.

He pulls me to him and holds me tightly as Sean did this morning. "No guy is worth this Jade. Don't tear yourself apart over him."

"We were together for so long that I didn't bother to make friends. I distanced myself from the friends I did have, and now I don't know what to do without him," I sob. "I need him."

I hear him sigh. "This isn't healthy. It isn't healthy to be so dependent on someone."

"I know." The sobs shake my body even though Sirius is holding me tightly. At this moment, I couldn't care less about how pathetic I sound. I might regret it later, but right now I can feel nothing other than pain. Pain and betrayal.

"He promised," I choke. "He promised me forever. He said I would always be his only love."

Sirius says nothing, but continues to hold me and my crying slowly dies down.

"I thought he was the one," I whisper more to myself than anything.

"No Jade, the one for you will be a hundred times better than he is. You just have to wait a little longer," he whispers back.

"I doubt it," I murmur as I fight to keep my burning eyes open.

"I don't, but you look like you're ready to sleep so follow me." He pulls me up and leads me up a staircase and through a door.

I don't register much about the room other than its messiness. Sirius leads me to one of the beds which I assume is his. I kick off my shoes and sit, ready to knock out.

"I'll come back with food for you at lunch, but this is the only time okay? You need to face this head on."

I nod before falling asleep.

O0o0o0

True to his word, Sirius brought me food at lunch and we ate together. It is now dinnertime and he refuses to let me skip it so here I am sitting between him and Remus facing away from the Ravenclaw table.

"Bad news Jade, Brad is headed this way," Lily warns me. She's sitting across from me with James.

I sigh when I feel him tap my shoulder. I turn around just as Sirius does.

"Hi Brad, what brings you over here?" Sirius asks politely.

"I just want to see if Jade is feeling any better," he answers, staring at me intently.

I can't stand to look at him so I turn back around. "I'm fine Bradley, just enjoying my meal with friends."

"Why don't you sit at our table? Sean and I miss you."

"Sean is with Tiffany at the Hufflepuff table, and if he really wanted to see me he would join me here since Sirius is also his mate."

"Can't I talk to you for a minute Jade?"

"No you can't. You said all you had to say yesterday so can't you just leave me alone now?" I hate being so cruel to him when he's been nothing but kind and caring, but I can't help it.

He bends down so that his mouth is at my ear. "I just want us to be friends again. I still love you Jade," he whispers.

That's all I can take. I stand abruptly and walk out of the Great Hall, ignoring all the curious eyes following me. I'm vaguely aware of Sirius and Brad arguing behind me.

"No, you stay, I'll go after her," Sirius tells him.

"If you think I'm staying here you're wrong," Brad says stubbornly.

"She doesn't want to see you right now Brad," Lily explains.

"Lily's right, just let Sirius go after her. He'll take of her," James says. I'm out of earshot now and so I miss the end of the conversation.

I walk outside and welcome the raw air piercing my lungs; anything that numbs the pain is welcome.

"Hold on Jade!" It's Sirius.

I stop walking and stare out at the lake, waiting for him to catch up. Sirius joins me and stares out at the lake as well, and though neither of us speaks, I feel comforted.

Our silence is broken by Sean's voice. "Hey, I heard the commotion in the Great Hall."

"That's great," I mutter.

"I talked to Brad," he continues.

My breath catches. "And?"

"He means well, Jade."

"Sean Porter, tell me you aren't defending him!"

"He isn't trying to make things harder for you; he just doesn't understand that you need space."

"I hope you made him understand."

"I talked to him about it. Just remember that you two were friends before any of this happened; he wants your friendship again."

"My friendship? What does he care? He has Nathalie's friendship now!" I say fiercely.

Sean doesn't respond. He looks at Sirius instead. "Thanks for looking out for her mate."

"It's honestly no problem. I'll take it from here, go back to Tiffany."

They keep talking for a couple of minutes but I tune them out. In fact, I tune everything out for the next two weeks.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think!


	4. Surviving

Sorry I don't update often, but that's why I make the chapters long! I still don't have internet at home so I come to my friend's to post chapters and stuff.

* * *

The first day after Brad ended it with me I realised I wouldn't be able to take the pain

The first day after Brad ended it with me I realised I wouldn't be able to take the pain. My mind –how I love it- blocked out that unbearable ache. Unfortunately, it blocked everything else out too. Still, I'm not complaining.

That is why I don't know how I made it through the last two weeks. I remember being around Sirius most of the time, and the rest of the Gryffindor crowd occasionally. True to his word, Sean stayed with me while Sirius had practise- and on other occasions too- and I left Mikayla to her new relationship except for three or four days.

For classes, I did what was assigned and at meal times, I ate enough to stay alive. I don't remember much else.

It's Sunday morning and I woke up around five, showered and changed, but just went to lie back in bed. I've just been thinking, letting the memories of Brad flood my mind and I find I'm crying.

It's just too painful to remember things like that, but isn't this the only way I can learn to let go? At least I feel more alive right now than I have these past two weeks. I feel like I'm waking up from a long dream. Or nightmare more like.

I don't have time to ponder this any longer because Nathalie and Samantha wake up.

I get up and leave before either of them can say anything. I avoid them as much as possible; I can't stand their fake pity. I see Brad on my way down and completely ignore him though he tries to catch my eye. At least he listened to Sean and stopped forcing his company on me.

I go down to the Great Hall for a late breakfast (it's about nine thirty), hoping that either Kay or Sirius is there. Luckily, Sirius is there with Remus and Peter. Peter sees me approaching, rolls his eyes, and excuses himself.

_How rude._

"Good morning Jade," Remus greets me.

"Hey," Sirius says sleepily.

"Morning." I notice for the first time that my voice is flat. Boring. Emotionless.

"Er, well, I'm done here. I'm going to look for Anna so, er, bye," Remus says hastily. I get the feeling he doesn't want to be around me.

"So how are you doing?" Sirius asks.

"Fine," I answer in that same tone.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Sure," I answer emotionlessly. I don't mean to sound like that, that's just how it comes out.

Sirius slams his hand on the table.

I start. "What is your problem?" I ask angrily. Finally, not monotone.

"My problem is that you aren't fine! This is the first sign of emotion anyone has seen in you for two weeks!"

I have nothing to say because I know he's right. That's something I thought about this morning.

"He hurt you, I know, and I get it, but you need to move on. Let go and live your life Jade! And for Merlin's sake, stop pushing everyone away!"

I'm sensitive, I've always been sensitive, which is why I can't stand it when people speak harshly to me (the exception is Kay). I start crying and Sirius looks exasperated.

"What's wrong now?" he asks in a softer tone as he takes my hands in his.

"You're right, I'm pathetic!" I bawl. I know I'm overreacting but I can't stop.

"Don't say that, you're not. You just need to get over it. How about we do something fun today?"

"Like what?" I sniffle, trying to control myself.

"I have the perfect idea."

Sirius' perfect idea turns out to be flying, and I'll admit, it works. The minute I kick off the ground, I feel free and lighthearted. Being up in the air clears my mind and helps me forget about everything that is going on; I feel whole and happy.

All too soon, Sirius signals for me to come down. Landing on the ground quite literally brings me back down to earth. The pain returns but I feel more confident. Confident in my ability to pull through this, as long as I have help.

I spend that day alone with Sirius who tries to run through the important things I missed the last two weeks. At lunch and dinner, I join in the conversation around me, pleasantly surprising everyone.

The next day I wake up fully conscious, but very late. I hardly have enough time to shower and change. By the time I finish, it's time to go to class. I arrive about five minutes late to Arithmancy and take the only available seat next to Cassandra Harding- a Slytherin I know only by name. The Professor excuses my tardy and carries on with the class. After Arithmancy, I find myself in a double period of Defence sitting next to Sirius.

"Morning Jade, why weren't you at breakfast?" he asks.

"Oh, I slept in late but I feel better rested than I have in ages so I'm glad," I smile.

Smiling. It feels foreign, as if I've never smiled before, but it feels great. Wonderful. Amazing.

Sirius looks at me strangely. "Right, I'm glad you rested," he says slowly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just haven't seen you smile in ages. It's . . . surprising- in a good way."

"I know it must have been awkward, even tiresome, to be around me the past two weeks or so, and I'm sorry."

"Yeah, but I'm such a good person that I sacrificed myself for you," he jokes.

I smack him lightly on the arm.

"I'm kidding Jade. Don't be sorry, we're all glad you're back. Forget about the last two weeks and concentrate on moving forward instead."

"Thanks," I grin.

The class goes well enough. We learn the counter curse _finite_; first verbally, then nonverbally. Sirius and I have fun hexing each other with minor jinxes to practise ending them with the spell. I avoid any contact with Brad, I even refuse to glance at him.

Everything goes perfectly smooth until the end of the double period. I wait for Sirius outside while he has a word with Professor Sorenson. As I'm standing outside, Brad approaches me.

"Hi Jade, I haven't had a chance to talk to you during the past two weeks. How have you been?"

The world cannot be this cruel. I came back to normal yesterday and he chooses _today_ to talk to me? Couldn't he have done it while I was in my numb state?

_Just answer his question Jade, no big deal._

"I've been doing great. I have a lot of new friends, it's wonderful."

"You do have a lot of new friends, but don't forget your old ones."

I can't be his friend, doesn't he understand? My throat is constricting, but still I answer. "I haven't, but Sean is always with Tiffany."

He grasps my insinuation. "I'm talking about me Jade."

Why does he insist on making this harder on me? I take a deep breath and force myself to answer calmly. "We can't be friends Brad, I'm sorry. Please respect my decision and leave me alone."

He stretches a hand out to touch my face but I close my eyes and turn away. I can't keep this composed façade any longer.

"I think it's best if you go Brad," I hear Sirius say from behind me.

Fortunately, Brad doesn't argue. "All right Sirius, I'll see you around Jade."

Once I'm sure he's gone, I turn to Sirius. He embraces me and I let out the flood behind my eyes. "That was so hard Sirius, I can't do it again," I sob.

"Shh, it's okay. You're fine now. The important thing is that you did it, it was hard but you still did it. You're stronger than you think Jade."

That's how the last three weeks of school before the holiday break go; that is, Sirius and me together. We sit next to each other in the three classes we have together- Transfiguration, Potions, and Defence- we spend meals together, and free time. He's even around when I study with Lily- he and James refuse to pick up a book. Though we aren't alone most of the time, we grow closer than I ever thought would happen, and I don't mind. He has helped me through one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with, and for that I'm thankful.

He once told me that time would mend my heart, though it would never be the same as before, and I've found that he's right. It's Friday the 21st of December, about five weeks since the whole thing with Brad, and I find that I'm okay; I survived. Those first two weeks were terrible, but the three weeks after Sirius talked to me were much better. They were hard, of course, but I've learned to go on. I can breathe and function normally, my heart doesn't ache whenever I see Brad, it has dulled to a twinge.

Best of all, I laugh.

I am able to laugh until my stomach hurts, and I love it! At mealtimes with the marauders, I can't stop laughing and it is absolute bliss. I suppose I'm filled with peace, a peace of mind that hasn't taken the pain but rather has helped me live with it. In fact, I find that the pain hasn't exactly dulled; I've just grown strong enough to handle it.

After coming out of my stupor, I was able to get to know Sirius' other friends as well. I've always gotten along Very well with the girls, it was James, Remus, and Peter who I hardly knew. That didn't last long though, and now I get along with them just as well as with the girls, though I don't think Peter particularly likes me. I don't blame him though; I must have been a great bore to be around those two weeks.

Tomorrow is the last day before holiday break, and I'm rather disappointed to have to go now that I've made so many new friends.

"So, are you going home for the holidays?" Sirius asks me.

It's just after dinner and I'm lounging around with Sean and Sirius. "Yeah, are you going to James' for the holidays?"

"Yup," he answers.

"I'm going home for the holidays too, thanks for asking," Sean says sarcastically.

"Aww Sean, don't be hurt! I was going to ask you next, honest!" I tell him, unable to keep from laughing.

"I'm surprised you're not staying at Tiffany's," Sirius teases.

"Ha-ha, I don't do _everything_ she tells me."

Sirius and I roll our eyes.

"Well mate, I have to go meet up with the boys, I'll see you tomorrow," Sirius says to Sean. He then turns to me, "goodnight Jade."

"Night," I return.

Once he's gone, Sean turns to me. "I'm proud of you Jade, really, I am."

"For what?" I ask a little confused.

"For moving on. You look so happy now, and Sirius is a great guy."

Whoa, what?

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you and Sirius dating!"

That's a laugh. I don't see Sirius in that way. "Sean, Sirius and I aren't dating. What gave you that idea?"

He looks confused now. "Everyone's been saying it, and you two _are _always together."

"We aren't always together; Peter, Mary, or one of the couples is usually around us!" I say defensively.

"Oh, well, that's a shame. I would approve of Sirius."

"Sean, please, I just got out of a long relationship. I don't want to jump into another one."

"True."

"There you are sweetie!"

I turn to find Tiffany rushing to Sean. I make a face and dismiss myself. Love, ugh.

I'll admit I've become a tad bitter towards love.

I wander around the castle aimlessly for a good ten minutes until I decide to start the Potions essay Slughorn assigned for the holidays. I go to my dormitory hoping it's empty. No such luck. All four girls I share the dorm with are there.

"Hi Jade," Brianna greets me.

"Hey, how are you?" Ashley asks me.

Ashley and Brianna, unlike Samantha and Nathalie, aren't snakes. They have actually been acting quite decent towards me lately. I've noticed they don't spend as much time with Nathalie and Samantha.

Confession. It's actually my fault that the girls didn't ever like me much, I never tried to get to know them. I was too caught up in Brad. They took it as conceit and I never bothered to contradict them. I might have even been able to be Nathalie's friend if I had taken the time to welcome her. Instead, I envied her and therefore ignored her. Either way, it's too late now. There's no way I can be her friend now. Or Samantha's.

Brianna and Ashley, however, aren't bad at all. I actually feel bad now for not trying to get to know them before.

"I'm doing great. I'm just going to start Slughorn's essay so I don't have to worry about it over the holidays. How about you?"

"I'm packing so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow," Ashley answers.

"I'm waiting for her to finish," Brianna grimaces. Ashley rolls her eyes.

"Oh Jade, are you sure you're okay? I know you must still be hurt-"

I stop Samantha before she can finish. "Like I said, I'm doing great."

I grab my bag and head down to the common room. I usually try to avoid it lest I find myself in the presence of unwanted company, but today I couldn't care less.

I'm looking around for a seat when a voice calls me over. I see that it is Colin Spence sitting with Andrew Brown. I make my way over to them.

"Hey stranger," Colin greets me as I take a seat across from him.

"Hi Colin," I smile. I'm genuinely happy to see them. We aren't very close, but they're fun people to be around. Both Colin and Andrew are on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team with Sean. In fact, Andrew is the captain.

"I'm surprised to see you here," Andrew teases.

I suppose he makes a good point, I am rarely in the common room. We talk for a while and a catch up, my homework forgotten.

A half hour passes before we're interrupted. "Hi Jade."

It's Brad.

This is the first time he's talked to me in weeks. My heart speeds up a little, and I can feel a shadow of my past pain, but nothing more. I can still breathe, think, and speak. "Hi Brad," I answer with a small, strained smile.

He pulls an armchair next to me and takes a seat. Colin and Andrew stare from me to him, saying nothing.

"It's good to talk to you again." I can hear the honesty in his voice and see it in his face, and it makes the situation worse.

I remember the times we had together, when we would sit and talk for hours saying anything, or nothing at all. The pain strengthens slightly, and my breath catches in my throat.

I thought I was doing so much better.

I keep the smile plastered on my face as I take a deep breath in an attempt to control myself. "Yeah, I was just telling Andrew and Colin that I missed talking to all of you too," I tell him in hopes of making this conversation less personal.

I see pain flash in Brad's eyes and I wonder if I've hurt him by making such a general remark.

"Oh. Er, my parents are having a Christmas dinner over the holidays and we would love if you could join us."

Is he mad? I'm getting better at being around him, but there is no way I'm going to this dinner they're having. "Thank you for the invitation, but I'm afraid I can't accept. I'm sure one of your guests would be rather appalled to have me there."

"If you're talking about Nathalie, she won't say anything about your attendance," Brad assures me.

"Even if she doesn't, it would be awkward to have your ex-girlfriend at your house with your current girlfriend."

I forgot to mention that Nathalie and Brad have been going out for a few weeks now.

"I miss your friendship, Jade."

This was all getting to be too much. I grab my bag, stand up, and turn my attention to Colin and Andrew. "It was great catching up with you guys, but I have to go."

I walk to the library and write my essay in there with no interruptions.

OoOoOoO

The train ride home the next day is the best one I've had in all of my three years at Hogwarts. This crowd knows how to have fun. We play Exploding Snap for a while but end the game when the witch with the food trolley passes by. We were probably her best customers all day. While we stuff our faces with food, we talk about random things, often laughing until our sides hurt.

"We should all get together over the holidays!" Sirius suggests as the Hogwarts Express slows to a stop.

"Definitely," I agree.

"I'll owl you to let you know when," Sirius says. "But first, let's introduce you to James' parents."

I am dragged to meet Mr. and Mrs. Potter. James has wonderful parents, so nice and loving. They give me an open invitation to their home.

James, Sirius, and Lily want to meet my parents, but they aren't here.

"Where are they?" Lily asks.

"Ah, I'm not sure. They're probably busy. They sent my cousin, Eric, to pick me up."

"Couldn't you go home with Mikayla instead? She lives right next door to you, right?"

"Yeah, but she's having lunch with Michael and his family before going home," I grin.

"Wow, they're getting serious about their relationship," Lily comments.

"Yup, well I have to go before Eric gets all moody. He doesn't like waiting much," I say, pushing the trolley with my trunk on it towards the barrier.

"See you soon!" Lily calls.

Sirius catches up to me. "Let me walk you out, you never know what could happen."

"How sweet of you," I tease.

"Thanks, I get that a lot," he winks.

I roll my eyes before crossing the barrier with him. "I'll bet you do."

I nearly run into Brad when we come out on the other side.

"Jade, fancy running into you here," he smiles. I don't miss that he completely ignores Sirius who is still standing next to me.

"Hello Brad," Sirius greets. His tone is amiable and he is smiling, but anyone who knows him would be able to see that he is slightly irritated. He abhors being ignored.

"Sirius," Brad acknowledges with a slight nod. It's hard to believe that they once got along.

I give him a hard look. "It's no coincidence Bradley, everyone from Hogwarts is here."

"All the same, I'm pleased to see you before you leave. I wanted to wish you happy holidays."

I hate it when he does this. Hating him is my only defence against him, but it's hard to hate him when he says something so caring. It's hard to hate him when part of me still loves him. "Er, thanks, you too," I say, not really meaning it.

"Well, I'll see you around Jay," he says, using his old pet name for me. I watch him walk away.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asks, snapping me out of my daze.

"Yeah," I murmur, still staring after Brad.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him watching me closely. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I say, turning to smile at him this time.

"Okay," he says, unconvinced, "let's get going."

We walk in silence until we reach Eric's car.

"There you are Jade!" Eric says in greeting as we near him. "Hurry up, your mom wants you home right away."

"It's nice to see you too Eric. School was great, thanks for asking," I say sardonically. Sirius clears his throat and I suddenly remember the formalities. "Ah yeah, Sirius, Eric- Eric, Sirius."

"Pleasure to meet you," Sirius says formally as he shakes Eric's hand.

"The pleasure is mine," he smiles genuinely.

Eric is a nice person, really. He's only about three years older than I am. I think that's why we get along; there isn't a big age gap. He's been living with us since I was six. His father died when he was seven and his mom remarried two years later. He had loads of problems with his stepfather so my parents talked to my aunt and we took him in.

"We really have to get going, Jade has a dinner party to get ready for," he grins, knowing how much I hate dinner parties.

"Who is it this time?" I groan.

"Company president, and he's bringing his nineteen-year-old son. I think your mom is trying to set you up, which is why she wants you home so early. She bought an evening gown and everything Jade, be prepared," Eric snickers.

I hear Sirius snicker too so I turn and raise an eyebrow at him. "Amusing, is it?"

"Yes, mostly because I can guess how you feel. My parents used to make go to balls and whatnot with other prominent families."

"Well, my dad is the CEO of a big company and he _always_ has a dinner party to go to or something. I hate it, but I imagine it's better than a ball," I smile wryly.

"There you go, there's a bright side to look at."

"Ha-ha, not really. Thanks for the help Sirius, but I'd better go. My mom is impatient when she's excited."

"No problem. I'll keep in touch." He gives me a hug and leaves.

"Let's get going, Eric," I say resignedly.

"Whatever you say," he answers.

He puts my trunk in the car as I sit in the passenger's side.

I reach home much sooner than I wanted to, and just as Eric had warned, my mom was waiting for me in my room.

"Welcome home honey!" she rushes to hug me. "How was school?"

"It was great mom. I made a lot of new friends." It's not a complete lie, it was great at first, and then towards the end. It was the middle that was less than satisfactory.

My mom knows that Brad and I were dating, she had even met him once, but for some reason I don't want to tell her about our break up. I do, however, wonder why she's trying to set me up with the company president's son since, as far as she knows, I'm still seeing Brad. My curiosity gets the better of me.

"Mom, Eric told me that the president is bringing his son. I hope you aren't trying to set me up with him," I warn quietly.

My mom looks at me sheepishly. "He's very handsome honey, and he's very well off. He's going to succeed his father as the company president!"

"Mom!" I whine. "Please don't do this!"

"I know you're seeing this Brad boy but . . ."

My face must have given me away.

"You're not seeing him anymore are you?"

Mother's intuition, how annoying. My silence is answer enough. "Oh Jade!" she hugs me again. "I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I'm so sorry! How are you doing?"

She leads me to the bed so we can talk more comfortably. I'm glad to see that I'm not crying. "I'm okay mom, honestly. It was tough at first, but I made it through. Sean helped a bit, and so did Kay, but mostly it was this new friend, Sirius, who got me through it."

My mom is still hugging me and I feel comforted. It's a comfort only a mother can provide and I find that I missed it while I was at school. I love talking to my mom because I can be completely honest with her.

"Sirius? Have you moved on then?"

"No mom, he's just a really good friend. It's just that Sean is back with Tiffany, and Kay is seeing someone too, so I didn't want to intrude. Sirius and Lily- remember I told you about her?- well they took me in, except Lily is seeing someone too so it was mostly Sirius and me since all his friends had someone else or . . . . I'm confusing myself."

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry I couldn't be there to help you through your first broken heart," she apologizes.

"It's okay mom, I'm fine," I assure her.

"Do you talk to him at all or . . ." she trails off.

"Um, not too much, it's a still a little hard. Especially because he insists on bringing up the past even though _he_ ended it with _me._ I don't know mom, can we talk about this later?"

"Of course, we have to get you ready for tonight anyway."

"I don't want-"

"I know honey, you still need to look presentable though. I promise not to push you into anything, but I can't control his reaction when he sees you," she grins.

My mom always has a way of lightening the mood.

OoOoOoO

"So, how was the party?" Mikayla asks me later that night.

We're sitting in my room talking even though it's almost two in the morning. She's lying on my bed flipping through a magazine and I'm on the couch staring out the window. She's spending the night at my house.

"It was actually better than any other dinner party I've been to. I'm usually bored out of my mind at these things, but the company president's son, Philip, was entertaining."

"So you like him then?"

"Er, not in that way. He's amusing, and good-looking, but I've met better," I shrug.

Mikayla smirks at this. "Better as in Sirius Black?"

"Not you too!"

"Oh come on Jade, you spend every minute of the day with him. Of course people are going to think something else," she continues smirking.

"But you know it's not true, right?"

"Of course I do, you would've told me if you were seeing him."

I remember something else she said. "I do _not_ spend every minute of the day with him!"

"You do too, though you're not always alone with him."

"She was alone with him this morning."

I turn to my door and see Eric standing there. "Eric! Stop being nosy!" I screech.

"I'm not being nosy. I was bored so I figured I'd bother you two for a while." He takes a seat in the armchair across from the couch.

"Aren't you supposed to be sleeping?" I ask at the same time that Kay asks, "What do you mean she was alone with him this morning?"

Eric ignores my question and answers Kay's instead. "When I went to pick her up, that Sirius bloke walked her to the car."

"He walked you to the car! How sweet!" she shrieks.

"Yeah, it's a good thing I approve of him or I'd have to lay down the law," he jokes.

"You have nothing to worry about, Sirius a great guy," Kay assures him.

I roll my eyes but stay silent.

"Seriously though Jade, what is with all of these guys? What happened to that Carr kid?"

Kay slaps a hand to her head. "Nice one, Eric."

"What?" he asks innocently.

I point my wand at my open door and mutter a spell to close it before I answer. "Brad broke up with me."

"Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to use magic!"

"I'm seventeen so now I can."

"Oh, I see . . . well, do you need me to take care of Carr for you?"

I smile. There is no way Eric could lay a finger on Brad- he's a muggle- but it's the thought that counts. "Thanks, but no. I'm okay now."

"He'll regret it one day. I mean, look, you already have Phil and Sirius after you."

Apparently, Eric and Philip are mates now; they got along perfectly well at dinner. "Sirius is not after me! He's my friend! Nothing more!"

"Right, so how about Phil?" Kay asks. "Is he really after her?"

"Ah, well Kay, yes he is. He was asking me if she was seeing anyone."

"And what did you say?" Kay asks.

He smiles guiltily at me. "You see, I like Philip much better than Carr, so when he asked if Jade was seeing anyone . . . I said no."

I groan. "Why? I don't want Philip after me!"

"He's a good person! And your parents approve!"

"But I'm not interested in him, I like being single."

"Exactly Jade, you're single and ready to mingle!" Kay giggles.

I chuck a pillow at her. "No relationships. With anyone. Period."

They see the solemnity on my face and drop it.

"Aww come on Jade! Don't get mad, get glad!" That's Eric's favourite line. I have no clue where he got it from but he always says it when I'm upset.

"I'm not mad, I'm sleepy, so goodnight Eric," I hint to him.

"Okay, okay, goodnight Jade and Mikayla. I'll see you two tomorrow." He says as he leaves the room.

"Night Eric," Kay calls after him.

I transfigure my sofa into a bed and pull some blankets out of the closet. Then I turn to Mikayla. "Does it bother you?" I ask quietly. I know she used to like Sirius, a lot.

"Does what bother me?"

"Me spending so much time with Sirius."

"You remember, do you? No, I've moved on, but I think part of me will always have a tiny little crush on him just because he was the first boy I ever really liked."

"Speaking of moving on, how are you and Michael doing?"

At this, Kay gets stars in her eyes. It's somewhat sickening, mostly because it reminds me of how I was.

"He's wonderful, Jay, he's so sweet, and thoughtful, and . . . he's just great. I can't really describe it."

"I'm happy for you, Kay, I really am."

"Why thank you, but let's get to sleep. I'm getting drowsy."

"All right then, goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday pass with nothing out of the ordinary. Mikayla and I switch off houses- one day at hers another at mine. By Wednesday, we decide to stop lounging around our houses.

"Okay, so we ate lunch-"

"It was actually breakfast at lunch time," I correct cheekily.

Kay rolls her eyes. "Okay, we at brunch, we watched tv, and we played Exploding Snap. What do we do now?"

We both take time to think. "How about we change and go down to the mall?" I suggest.

"What for?"

"I still have to do some Christmas shopping for my parents, who happen to be more comfortable with muggle gifts."

"Eh, I don't have any better ideas so let's go."

It takes us about an hour and a half to get ready.

Actually, Kay took the longest. We both showered, she used my restroom and I used the one in the hall, and then got dressed. What took so long is that Kay _loves_ make-up. I, on the other hand, don't. It's not that I'm opposed to it or anything, it just takes too long and I don't know how to do it. Kay insisted on doing my make-up today.

So an hour and a half later, we're finally ready to go. We take my car and I buy gifts for my parents and a couple of outfits for myself. Kay was tempted to buy a scandalous little red dress, but thought better of it. By the time we get back to my house, it is nearly nightfall.

"What's wrong?" Mikayla asks me. "You seem distant."

"Oh, it's nothing. I'm just thinking," I answer.

"What about? Or should I say who?" she smirks.

I roll my eyes, but a grin spreads across my face. "I was just thinking that I sort of miss Sirius. I guess I'm just used to being with him all the time."

She's still smirking. "Well in that case, you'd probably be interested in reading this letter from him."

She pulls out an envelope from her coat pocket.

"Where did you get that from? I didn't see an owl."

"It came while we were gone. Your mom got it and brought it up while you were trying your new clothes on."

"Oh," I say. I'm shocked at how excited I am about getting a letter from Sirius.

_Jade,_

_Will you believe that I miss you even though it's only been about three days? I suppose it's because I'm so used to be around you. Anyway, Lily, Remus, Anna, Pete, and Mary are coming to James' on Thursday. It would be great if you could come. Bring Mikayla along; I know you two are inseparable outside of school. Owl me with you answer._

_-Sirius Black_

"Wow, he's inviting you to his house." The smirk _still_ hasn't come off Kay's face.

"No, he's inviting me to James' house, and he invited you too."

"James' house is practically his, and he said he missed you."

"Kay, stop reading so much into this. Sirius and I are FRIENDS, nothing more."

"I think he's starting to see you as something more, just like you are with him."

"Whatever."

OoOoOoO

"Hey you made it!" Sirius says when he opens the door.

"Yeah, I told you we were coming," I grumble.

"Don't mind her," Mikayla tells Sirius. "She's just grumpy because I did her make-up."

Sirius nods in understanding and turns to me. "Don't be mad at Mikayla, you look amazing," he winks.

I'm momentarily stunned. Sirius has never spoken so forwardly to me. "Thanks," I say quietly.

"It's the truth," he smiles, "come on in. Everyone's in the sitting room."

As Sirius said, everyone is already here. They greet us warmly; I love how the Gryffindor crowd is so friendly- unless you're an enemy.

We spend all day at James' house talking, eating, and playing games. In the afternoon, the couples go their own way, leaving Sirius, Peter, Mikayla, Mary, and me. We keep talking; Mikayla, as outgoing as she is, has no problem getting along with Mary and Peter- she already knows Sirius. Peter and Mary leave not too long after, leaving me with Mikayla and Sirius. They joke around and laugh, but for some reason I can't join in.

My mind is wandering. It's about Brad again. I'm not brooding or anything, I'm just thinking about how it used to be between us. To be more precise, I'm noticing the differences between Sirius and Brad. Not that I'm falling for Sirius or anything, because I'm not. There are just some obvious differences.

For example, Sirius is more easy-going, he isn't easily frustrated like Brad is. Sure, he gets frustrated occasionally, but it takes a lot. I used to upset Brad over the simplest things. Another thing, Sirius is entertaining; there is never a boring moment around him. Brad, on the other hand wasn't always _fun_.

Okay, so maybe I'm a little biased. After all, I was with Brad for over a year, so there was something that attracted me. I suppose that in hindsight, I notice all the bad I couldn't see before. It's not because I'm bitter or anything either, I'm perfectly fine being around him-as long as he doesn't make it awkward by talking about _us_- so that isn't it. I don't know why I'm noticing all of this. Either way, it comes to my attention and I find that I like Sirius more than I like Brad.

"Jade? Ja-ade?" Mikayla calls.

"Huh?" I ask, coming out of my reverie.

"Where have you been? We've been talking for like half an hour and you haven't said a word!"

"Oh, I was, uh, thinking."

"Right, well we have to go. It's almost eight."

"Really? Yeah then, we'd better go. We have like an hour drive or more," I mutter.

I get up and follow Mikayla. Sirius walks us to the door, but before I step out after Kay, he holds me back.

"We hardly talked today," he comments. He's leaning against the doorway and I can't help but notice how attractive he looks at this moment. "How about we go out for lunch or something on Sunday?"

"The day after Christmas right? Er, sure. It sounds great."

"Excellent, I'll owl you with the details because Kay is waiting for you right now."

Sure enough, when I turn around Kay is waiting for me by the car. I give Sirius a quick hug and join her.

"So what was that about?" she asks me as soon as we drive away.

I know exactly what she's thinking. "It's not like that, Kay. He just wanted to hang out on Sunday because we haven't had a chance to talk since we left school."

"I'm sure that's it," she grins.

I roll my eyes, that girl is so persistent. "Mikayla! If you keep saying this I'm going to start believing it so for the last time, Sirius and I are just friends!"

"Is it so hard to believe that he could like you?"

"Yes! This is Sirius Black we're talking about, one of the most good-looking guys in the school! He only sees me as a friend."

"I don't know, I think Dirk Cresswell is better looking. Oh, and Amos Diggory from last year, and C-"

"I never said he was the _most_ handsome."

"Good point. How do you feel about him?"

"Honestly?"

"No, I want you to lie," she says sarcastically.

"I can honestly say that I see him as friend. He's my new Sean, he's . . . I can't find the words."

"So you two are close then?"

"Well, yeah, he put up with me after the whole Brad thing."

"But you don't see him as anything more than a friend?"

"Nope."

"Okay then, I'll drop it," she says, but I can see she still believes it.

OoOoOoO

"So how was your Christmas?" Sirius asks me.

We just finished eating breakfast in Diagon Alley. I'm surprised my mother let me come by myself, but I suppose she felt that at seventeen, I'm old enough to take care of myself.

"It was great, I mostly got money so I'm going clothes shopping with Kay tomorrow," I tell him. "How about yours?"

"It was one of the best Christmases I've ever had," he smiles.

"Really? I'm glad."

"Yeah, want to walk around?"

"Sure," I say. "It's been a while since I've been to Diagon Alley."

"Let's go then." He rises and waits for me to join him.

We shop for about two hours, half of which was spent in Quality Quidditch Supplies. As we're leaving, we spot a small flower shop.

"Wait here, I'll be right back," he tells me.

I watch as he hurries in and then out of sight. I only wait for about two minutes before he comes back out. He's holding something behind his back and I wonder what it is.

"A late Christmas gift," he says, handing me a flower.

_Well duh, what else was he going to get at a flower shop?_

I look at the large daisy in his hand in slight awe. It's so strange, yet beautiful. The spiky petals are opened, the outside is a vibrant red and the inside is a golden yellow.

"It's beautiful, thank you," I say quietly. I don't really know what to think. Sirius, my best mate, just gave me a flower.

I reckon I'm reading too much into it, thanks to Mikayla. It's a gift. A simple, yet beautiful, gift.

"I remembered what you said about daisies being your favourite flowers but you could never buy any because you're terrible with plants. Well, this is enchanted, it takes ages to die."

"Really?" I'm fascinated. "I've never heard of these! I would have bought some sooner if I had!" I suddenly remember something. "Er, I'm sorry. I didn't get you anything."

"Don't worry about it. Your company is gift enough," he grins.

I laugh. "I'm surprised you don't have a girlfriend Sirius. Those lines are enough to make any girl fall in love with you."

He leans in and whispers in my ear. "So it's working then?"

I see the playfulness in his eyes and go along. "You have no idea," I wink.

* * *

I hope you like the story so far! Let me know what you think :)


	5. LoveHate

"So, how did it go?" My mom asks me when I get home.

"It wasn't a date Mom, he's just a really good friend," I insist.

She has a knowing smile on her face. Why can no one believe that a guy and a girl can be friends without any romantic feelings on either side? "Okay honey. We were invited to dinner at the Matson's tonight and I need you to buy a new dress. Eric will go with you."

"Again?" I whine.

"Sweetie, I thought you liked Philip? He's a wonderful young man and he fancies you."

"I don't feel the same way! I don't want to be in another relationship with _anyone_," I clarify, in case she's starting to have ideas about Sirius and me.

"Very well dear," she says just to appease me, "but we still have to go and you still need a dress and Eric is still going to go with you."

"Do I have to go tonight?"

"Jade, please do this without arguing and we'll buy you a new car."

I grin. "Okay, but can't I drive with Mikayla?" My mom doesn't like me going anywhere by myself, but I'd rather shop with Kay than Eric.

"Abigail told me that she went out with someone earlier," my mom tells me.

Abigail is Kay's mom. She must be out with Michael. I was wondering why she wasn't over here waiting to hear all the juicy details- not that there's anything to tell.

"Oh, okay then. I'll go find Eric."

"No need, you ready?" Eric is already at the door with the keys in his hands.

"Sure, let me just get my coat."

I buy my dress and shoes while Eric asks me a million questions about Sirius and Philip. In turn, I ask him about his love life and manage to annoy him with all of my prying- as if he weren't doing the same thing. We truly act like brother and sister.

Anyway, hours later and I'm walking around the Matson's garden with Philip. "You look lovely tonight," he comments.

"Thank you." Philip is a nice person, but I don't have any romantic interest in him, though he is incredibly good looking and wealthy. I'm not a gold-digger, honestly, I have enough money of my own. What I meant is that he's in my class, so to say. I suppose I just don't want anyone other than B-

_Don't even _think_ that Jade_.

Right, well as I was saying, I'm just not interested.

"Which school do you attend?" he asks.

"H-" I stop myself in time, but I can't remember for the life of me the name of the school I'm supposed to say. "It's an all-girls academy," I offer.

"And this is your last year?" he asks, not bothering to know the name, thankfully.

"Yes, it's a shame really. I was beginning to love it."

"Love school? That's a first. I always saw school as something to be endured rather than enjoyed," he grins.

I smile. I would feel the same way, but Hogwarts is much more interesting than an ordinary school would be. "I take it that your school days weren't entertaining?"

"Oh yes, they were. Boredom is a state of mind. One can make anything entertaining with just a little imagination."

As true as that may be, I have my doubts when it comes to History of Magic. "So how did you make it entertaining?"

"All it took was a little creativity and carelessness for rules," he grins.

I'm suddenly reminded of Sirius. "So which rules would you break?"

That starts a discussion about his days at school, but we don't finish because I hear my mother calling me.

"I hope to see you soon," he tells me.

"Of course," I answer noncommittally.

When I get home, the phone is ringing. I rush to answer it. "Hello?"

My mom frowns at the manner in which I answer the phone. I shrug sheepishly; proper phone etiquette is not my strong point.

"Jade? It's me, Sirius," the person says.

"Sirius Black?" I ask.

He chuckles. "Really Jade, how many Sirius' do you know?"

"I'm just surprised, I didn't think wizards had phones," I comment as I walk up to my room and shut the door behind me.

"The Potters didn't until James wanted to start calling Lily last year." I can hear the amusement in his voice.

"Oh, but how did you get my number?"

"Lily."

Of course. "Right, er, so what's up?"

"Nothing really, I just wanted to invite you and Kay to James' this Wednesday. Everyone is coming over again."

"Sounds fun."

"Anything is fun if I'm around," he says.

"Ah, so you aren't as humble as I thought," I comment.

He laughs. "I was joking, I'm humble, now. I wasn't always."

"Oh, I know," I assure him. "I remember I didn't much like you when I first met you. You came off as haughty, self-righteous, cruel, and immature."

"Wow, anything else?"

I giggle. "It's true!"

"As much as I hate it, I'll admit you're right. I've matured since then though."

"Yes you have," I admit, "and it's still a wonder how that happened."

"You didn't expect me to act like a first year forever, did you?"

"Er, I didn't give it much thought. I reckoned that was the way you were and that you couldn't change."

"Ah, well, believe it or not, I've always been a little mature for my age. In my house, I had to grow up fast."

It's rare to hear Sirius talk about his family. He keeps the details to himself, though most of the school knows the general picture of the Black family problems. I'm not quite sure how to respond. "From what I've heard, and the little that I witnessed, you were terribly immature."

"There's a difference between being mature and being boring. I let loose when I'm around my friends, and if I come off as immature when I joke around then so be it."

"I'm referring more to the stories I've heard about you and James hexing people for the heck of it, and your cruel pranks."

"That wasn't immaturity, as you said, it was cruelty and I'm not proud of it but I can't exactly nick a Time-Turner and change it, can I?"

"I know perfectly well that you and James still don't leave Snape alone. I'm not an idiot Sirius."

"For a Ravenclaw, you're sure acting like one. Haven't you noticed that Snape doesn't leave _us_ alone?"

His tone is angry and I sense an argument coming along. I quell it before it gets bad. "No, I haven't noticed. I apologize."

I hear Sirius sigh. "You've really got to stop doing that. Don't apologize if you didn't do anything wrong."

"Sorry, I just don't-"

"Like conflict," he finishes for me. "I know. Sometimes, conflict isn't bad. You're entitled to your own opinions, Jade, and you don't have to apologize when someone disagrees with you. Or, in this case, learn to stick up for yourself. I insulted you; tell me to sod off or something."

"I . . . don't . . . want to," I answer. Why would I insult him back? I _was_ acting like an idiot, wasn't I?

"You're exasperating me Jade. If I called you a bloody twat, what would you say or do?"

My brow furrows. "That's a terrible thing to say, even if it _is_ to prove a point."

"Aww Jade, you're hopeless."

"I'm insulted."

"No, no, no, I didn't mean it like that! I- never mind. I'm sorry."

"Okay."

There's a small pause. "Seriously, how are you doing Jade?"

I know right away that he means Brad. How am I doing? I've made it this far, and each passing day becomes easier. He was my first love, what I feel for him won't completely go away. He wanted us to be friends, but he doesn't realise that it isn't possible. Not with our history. Back to the question though, how am I doing?

"I'm . . . doing better. A lot better," I answer.

"How exactly do you feel?"

"Have you never had your heart broken?"

"No, never."

I didn't know that. "Well, it's hard to describe. I'm feeling this whole love-hate thing. I can't help but still love him because love is that strong. But I kind of hate him for hurting me. I also hate that I still love him."

"You really still love him?"

"Yes, but I would never go back to him. At this point, it's more that I care about him, only because we were so close. Any romantic feelings toward him are gone, that's where the hate comes. I honestly don't think I can even be his friend. Acquaintances, sure, but there's too much between us for a close friendship. I don't want to turn into Tiffany."

"Good," he says. I think he's still processing everything I said and trying to make sense of it.

"So how come you've never had your heart broken?" I ask, my curiosity getting the best of me.

"I don't know," he says, "I ended the relationships I've had before I became attached."

"You've never been close to any girl?"

"Other than you, no. I mean, Lily and I are somewhat close because of James. Same with Anna and Mary, but other than you four no. And of the four I'm closest to you, obviously."

"Interesting."

"I have talked to other girls, and there is a handful that I get along with perfectly well, like Mikayla. But by no means have I ever been attached to any of them."

"I'm genuinely surprised. I thought that Sirius Black, of all people, would have a million love interests," I tease.

He laughs. "You act like girls throw themselves at me."

"I know some girls think about it," I continue teasing.

"You exaggerate too much."

"No, listen. Sure, you're not the most handsome guy in the world-"

"-thanks, that did wonders for my self-esteem."

I continue as if he didn't say anything. "-but you're one of the best looking guys in the school."

"There are guys who look as good, if not better," he contradicts.

"Yes, and that's why I said _one_ of the best looking, and of course each girl has a different taste, but anyway, back to my point. So your looks, added to your popularity as a 'marauder' and a Quidditch player, on top of your sense of humour and intelligence makes you quite a catch. So why you don't have someone is beyond me."

"Maybe I haven't found someone I want," he says.

"Hmm, can't argue against that."

I feel strangely excited to be talking to Sirius. We talk for hours, about everything. The topics vary from our first impressions of each other, our favorite bands, our favorite ice cream flavours, even our first crushes.

"Tell me his name," Sirius insists.

"No, you'll laugh."

"Come on Jade, how bad can it be?" he tries to persuade.

"_I_ don't think it's bad, but I know other people do."

"Pleeeaase? I promise I won't laugh."

"Fine," I give in. "His name was . . . Balthazar."

"Was he a muggle or a dragon?" Sirius bursts out laughing.

"You promised!"

"You're right, I apologize," he tries to say seriously. At least he's trying.

"Hmph, what was _your_ first crush's name?"

"Ophelia," he says.

"Ophelia?" I laugh. "And you fancied yourself her Hamlet?"

"Need I bring up _Balthazar_ again?"

"I didn't think you'd catch that," I mutter.

"Just because I'm a pureblood doesn't mean I don't know about popular muggle literature."

We also recount childhood stories, mostly funny and embarrassing ones.

"I don't remember how old I was, I just know that I was in Primary. My parents had bought some firecrackers for Eric and me and we ran outside to light them. Well, the dolt lights the firecracker inches away from me, and a small patch of my hair catches fire. I start running around in circles like a headless chicken, not knowing what to do. Eric, however, turns on the water hose and soaks me through."

Sirius laughs at that for a good five minutes. "I . . . had never . . . heard anything . . . so hilarious!" he manages to choke out between spurts of laughter.

I can't help but join in. Looking back, it is funny. At the time, it wasn't.

"Hey, let me ask you something. Why did you put up with me after the whole Brad thing? Was it because Sean asked you to?"

I don't hear anything on the other end of the line and I wonder if he hung up.

He finally speaks. "Yes and no. I mean, Sean did ask me to keep you company, but I would have done it either way. We didn't talk much back then, but I still knew you; I genuinely wanted to help you. That and I don't like seeing girls so sad- well, there are a few exceptions. Anyway, like I told you then, I also found myself with just Peter since everyone was seeing someone, so extra company was nice."

"Even when I wasn't . . . myself?"

Sirius snickers. "I'll admit Peter hated being around you then, he avoided you. I was just trying to snap you out of it."

"You didn't get annoyed at all?"

He pauses. "Er, yeah, sometimes. It was odd. You were there, but you weren't. Not comfortable, a bit boring, and annoying as hell because I knew it was all over a guy."

"Hmm, I see. I'm-"

"Don't even think about apologizing," he cuts in.

"Okay."

We had talked a lot at school, but not like this. We even talk about personal subjects for an hour or two. Our families, our aspirations, the dark things going on outside of Hogwarts, and anything we think of. It's around five in the morning when my dad comes up and tells me to get off the phone.

"How long have we been talking?" Sirius asks me.

I glance at my clock. "Almost eight hours."

"You're kidding? Wow I'll let you go now so you can sleep."

"Thanks, I'll see you Wednesday then?" I ask.

"Yep, bye."

I can almost hear what Mikayla will say when I tell her about this.

0o0o0o0

"It's weird that it's only been about a week since we last came here. It feels like much longer," Kay comments.

"It does, but I'm glad to be here again. I missed them all."

"Especially Sirius, huh? Because talking to him for eight hours three days ago wasn't enough," Kay nudges me playfully with her elbow.

I roll my eyes and wait for the door to open.

"Hey Mikayla! Jade! Come on in, we're just waiting for Anna and Lily to get here," James greets us.

We follow him to the sitting room and see Peter, Remus, Sirius, and Mary already seated. Sirius gets up and walks over to me. His expression is sober, it catches me by surprise.

"Can I talk to you while we wait for the others?" he asks.

"Sure, I wanted to talk to you too," I say, thinking of the gift I received yesterday.

He leads me to a bench in the Potter's large backyard and starts the conversation before I have a chance to examine my surroundings.

"Sean told me that Brad sent you something."

It's odd that he brings up the very topic I was going to talk to him about. I scrutinize his face and notice that he looks concerned. I'm actually surprised that he already knows. Brad must have told Sean who told Sirius. "He did," I mutter.

"What did he send you?"

"It's very simple, just an old picture of us and a letter." I take the parchment out and hand it to Sirius to read.

_Dear Jade,_

_I've been debating with myself over whether or not it would be proper for me to send you a gift. I finally decided I would, though I wasn't sure if you would accept it. Do you remember when we took this picture? It was two months after we started going out. To be honest, I miss those days Jade. I miss when it used to be me and you, or you and me. What would it take me to get you back? I made a mistake. Can we meet and talk sometime this week? Let me know as soon as possible._

_ Love,_

_ Bradley Carr_

"And how do you feel about it?" he questions once he finishes reading it.

"Part of me wants to go back to him," I whisper.

"Are you serious? After everything he did to you?" he asks. His tone takes me off guard, but I see a flicker of pain in his face.

"He was never mean to me, Sirius. Even when we ended it, he was kind."

"Right, because he hugged you and told you he loved you. That detracts from the fact that he left you for someone else."

"You don't have to be a prick about it. That one action was sweet even though everything else wasn't."

"How can you stand there and defend him?" His voice rises.

I don't understand his reaction, but my voice rises in response to his. "Because there's nothing to blame him for in the first place! It isn't his fault that he lost interest!"

"Are you listening to yourself?"

"Yes, and that's how I see it."

"You're too passive for your own good Jade. Don't blame him for losing interest, fine, but why, after that, would you even _consider_ going back to him?"

"He made a mistake! People deserve second chances!"

"Not in cases like this! What happens the next time he 'loses interest'? I'll tell you what. You'll be broken like last time!"

"He won't leave me again!"

"Fine! If you want to go back to him do it then! But don't expect me to be here when he breaks your heart again!"

"What is your problem? Why aren't you happy for me?"  
"Because you're being stupid! Was everything you told me on the phone a lie? Everything you said about not going back to him was just talk?"

"No, I mean . . . you can't understand how I feel, can you?" I'm vaguely aware of my loud voice.

"No, I can't!" he nearly shouts in response.

Then he lowers his voice and stares at me despondently. "Brad was a prat for leaving you. Ever since we started to get to know each other, I wondered why he did it; it was incomprehensible. Now what's incomprehensible is why you would even consider going back to him at his first call! You're smarter, and stronger, that that."

"It's my choice to make," I whisper.

Pain flashes across his face again. "You're right. You are absolutely right."

He turns and walks back into the house. I stare after him, not knowing what to do, think, or say.

Mikayla comes out to look for me. "Were you two fighting?"

"Yeah. Were we loud?" I'm still staring at the place where he was standing.

"A bit," she says, pulling me back inside. "Act normal, we'll talk later."

I nod and let her lead me away. I'm so lost in thought right now.

Why would he act this way? I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't this. Maybe some compassion, or at least understanding. Heck, even nonchalance would have been better than his wrath.

_Don't exaggerate. It wasn't wrath. He was just upset, and you know why too. It's because he's right._

Of course he is. I was only considering it; I knew all along that it would be stupid. I was just allured by the prospect of having that relationship again like it used to be. But no, it would never be like it used to be. It would always be different, and in this case, worse, knowing that he left me once for someone else.

It was just one small part of me wanted him, but my brain is back in full swing now and I'm ashamed that I ever considered it. That's not even the point. The point is that I _never_ expected Sirius to react so strongly.

"Jade?" Anna asks.

"Huh?" Blast. I wasn't paying attention, again.

"I just asked how Diagon Alley with Sirius went," she repeats.

What a perfect time to ask. I involuntarily glace at Sirius but he's avoiding me. "It was fun. I got to see a few new shops," I answer.

"So was that your first official date?" Peter asks.

I feel myself blush and once again glance at Sirius in time to see him lightly smack Peter's head. "Don't be so daft, Wormtail."

"Hey! We were all wondering the same thing, I'm the only one brave enough to ask," Peter says.

"More like thick enough," James mutters under his breath.

"James, could you please get me a drink?" Lily asks, probably to change the subject.

"Of course," he says right away and rushes to the kitchen.

"Wow mate, she's got you wrapped around her finger doesn't she?" Sirius teases.

We all burst out laughing, with the exception of Lily who rolls her eyes. It amazes me how Sirius can hide so well whatever bothers him. Minutes ago, he was yelling at me and now he's joking with everyone. Simply astounding.

"Shut it Padfoot!" James calls.

"Hey, what were you and Sirius arguing about when I got here?" Anna asks James when he comes back.

James perks up. "Oh yeah, I forgot about that! Okay, so we were sitting here and my mum told us there was one slice of cake left and that we could share it. Obviously we weren't going to share, so we raced to the kitchen. I was ahead of Sirius, but then he hit me with a Jelly-Legs Jinx and whizzed past me to the cake. So after I stopped the jinx, we started arguing about if it was fair or not."

"There weren't any rules, it was everything goes," Sirius shrugs.

"No, that was cheating!" James exclaims.

"I'm with Prongs on this one," Remus says. "It isn't a fair race if you jinxed him."

"There weren't any rules though," Mary argues.

"Exactly," Mikayla agrees. "James could have cursed Sirius right back."

"They weren't going to sit down for five minutes and discuss the rules, no magic is a given. It's fair that way," Lily says.

I stay out of this. Mostly because I don't like having my opinions contested, but also because I don't know who is right or wrong.

"James is faster than me so it wouldn't have been fair," Sirius argues.

"He's right," Peter pipes up. "Sirius needed to balance out the advantages."

"I didn't know we were using magic, I didn't even have my wand on me!"

"Well, that's your fault Prongs, I've told you a million times to carry your wand with you at all times."

"We're in the house, I don't need it."

"You never know mate," Remus tells him.

"The point is, Padfoot cheated."

"Not really, you can't break a rule that doesn't exist," Mary says.

"It's a given-"

"I say that it doesn't matter anymore because I already ate the cake," Sirius says. "So how about we forget about all of this and talk about something . . . pleasant."

We stop the arguing and the rest of the afternoon passes rather smoothly, though Sirius still avoids me. I'm hurt by the action to be honest, but I keep it to myself. Eventually, it's time for everyone to go home.

"Happy New Year!" Mary calls after Kay and me.

"That's two days away Mary!" Kay calls back.

"I know, but I won't see you until we board the train on Sunday so I'm saying it now!"

"Ha-ha, okay. Happy New Year to you too!" Kay says before we drive off.

"So what were you fighting about?" Kay asks once we turn the corner.

I launch into the story of Brad's present and Sirius' reaction to what we talked about. "He was practically yelling at me Kay," I complain.

"He just cares about you. I would have done the same thing if you had told me first. Which brings me to my next question: is there a particular reason why you told him before me?"

"Aww Kay, it's not like that! I just knew you would be mad. I didn't think Sirius would react the same way you would."

"Now you know that he did."

"Why though? He doesn't care that much, does he?"

"Think about it Jade. You two have been around each other more than anyone else since you and Brad ended. Of course he's going to be protective, you're best mates now. You'd be the same way if the situation were reversed."

"I suppose," I say. We stop the conversation as we enter my house so we won't be overheard. I don't see my parents anywhere so Kay and I just head upstairs to my room.

"So are you going to meet with Brad then?" Kay resumes the conversation.

"No, I don't think I ever would have. I was just thinking about it."

"Good."

I roll my eyes. "I'm not as spineless as you think."

"Maybe not, or maybe. Regardless, what are you doing for New Year's Eve?"

I purse my lips. "You won't believe it. We're going to the Matson's."

"I can see your enthusiasm," she says sarcastically.

"This is all my dad's doing. He feels he can't say no to the company president."

"Well, maybe _he_ can't say no, buy you can! Ask them if you can spend it with me and my family!"

"I doubt they'll let me. I'll ask them tomorrow at breakfast."

"I still think you're exaggerating though. You said he's entertaining and from what I saw, he is a stud-muffin."

"Yes, I know, but we wouldn't work; I'm a witch, he's a muggle."

"Witches and wizards marry muggles all the time, and they get along just dandy. Look at my parents."

"That's true, but I'm not interested. I want a wizard to be honest."

"Not just any wizard either," she smirks. "His name has to start with an S, he has to have grey eyes, he-"

"Let's call it a night," I cut in, turning off the lights.

It's the day after the New Year and I'm surprised to hear the doorbell ring. I rush to answer it. I'm shocked when I find myself face to face with Brad, but I force myself to be polite.

"Hello Bradley. What brings you here?" I ask.

"I just wanted to stop by and chat. May I come in?"

No. "Ah, sure." I turn and lead him to the sitting room.

"Who's there, honey?" I hear my mom ask from upstairs.

"It's Bradley Carr. You remember him, right?" I call back.

Though I can't see her, I'm pretty sure I know what she's thinking. "Yes, I'll be down in a second."

"It's okay mom, he won't be here long," I tell her, hoping Brad takes the hint.

"Don't worry, I won't be long," he assures me.

He did take the hint then.

"Take a seat," I say. "Is there anything in particular that you wished to discuss?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. I assume you received my letter?"

I'm not sure why we're being so polite. It may be because, at least for me, it's easier than to act like old friends. "Yes, I did receive your letter and the picture along with it."

"I hope then, that you have had time to consider what I said."

I stop breathing for a second. I was so hoping his visit had nothing to do with that. "I have."

"What do you say then, Jade? Will you give me a second chance?"

It's amazing how someone can break your heart, but you still love him with all the little pieces. Because I still love Brad, have no doubt about that.

But I can't take him back.

I _won't_ have him back.

And this is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, but I have to make it. It's not something I can put off because he's standing here in front of me waiting for an answer. An answer he won't want to hear.

"I'm sorry Brad, but I can't," I say, not meeting his eyes.

"Jade, don't do this. I want your friendship."

"According to your letter, you want more than my friendship Bradley," I say more sharply than I intended.

"Is that so wrong? We were together for over a year."

"May I remind you that _you_ ended it?"

"I was wrong! I needed to see other girls so I could know without a doubt that you're the one for me, and now I know."

"That is the stupidest-"

"No, wait! Hear me out. If I had stayed with you, I would have always wondered if there was someone else for me. Now I know though. Those two months without you were miserable. I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"I'm sure all thought of me escaped you when you snogged Nathalie. Or have you forgotten about her?" I say.

"I ended it with her for you."

"You shouldn't have. I don't want you back," I lie.

"What is it with you? Why are you so aggressive now? Is it your new friends? Is it Sirius?"

Actually, in a way it is. He's taught me how to say what I think, to stand by my opinions and not apologize for them. I owe Sirius more than I thought. "Don't you dare bring Sirius or anyone else into this. I just know what I want now, and it isn't you."

"Why are you so protective of him? Are you seeing him now?"

I am not protective of him! He's the one who brought him up and I just told him to leave him out. And what's it to him if I'm seeing him or not? Obviously I'm not, but it isn't his business anyway.

"You've overstayed your welcome Bradley. I'm sure you remember where the door is."

As if on cue, Eric walks in. "Is everything okay here?"

"Of course. Could you please escort Mr. Carr to the door?"

Eric nods and beckons for Brad to follow him. I take a seat again and wait for Eric to come back.

"My mom asked you to check on us didn't she?"

"Yeah, but I was going to anyway. You're like my sister, we haven't talked about this but I figured you would need some help so I just kind of kept lookout."

"Thanks," I smile.

OoOoOoO

"Mikayla!" I hear Michael call from behind us.

We're walking on the platform waiting to board the train. Michael catches up to us.

"Hey, I've got a compartment already. You're welcome to join us Jade, if you'd like," he offers.

I mentally cringe. Would I rather be alone, or stuck with the love birds?

Alone, definitely.

"Thanks, but I'm just going to look for Lily." Notice how I say Lily, not Sirius. I don't want anyone else getting the wrong idea.

"Oh, she's with the other girls a few compartments down from us. I'll show you where," he says.

Mikayla snatched up a sweet one. "Really? Thanks!"

Sure enough, Lily, Mary, and Anna are all seated and chatting.

"Jade!" They greet me.

"Come on in," Mary says.

"Thanks, it's nice to see you all again. Where are you other halves?" I ask Lily and Anna.

"Running late, I'm sure. They were all supposed to come together and you know how Sirius and James get," Anna answers.

"Speaking of Sirius," Lily says, "how was your day at Diagon Alley with him?"

"Didn't you already ask this when we last saw each other?"

"Yes, but of course you wouldn't give us a true answer with him in the room."

I make sure to keep my face blasé. "Oh. It was fun, he bought me a tulip."

"He bought you a tulip?" Anna asks. She's usually the quiet one, not teasing me about Sirius, so her comment surprises me.

I raise an eyebrow. Is it really that strange? "Yes."

"You know," Mary smirks, "tulips are a declaration of love."

I laugh at the absurdity. "Oh come on, Sirius wouldn't know that. He only chose it because they're my favourite."

"That's one way to look at it," Lily says, her expression matching Mary's.

I can't help but roll my eyes. "Why does it feel like everyone is trying to get us together?"

"Who's trying to get who together?" James asks.

James? How did I not hear the compartment door open?

I turn to see all four boys come in. I notice Remus looking from the girls' amused expression, to Sirius, and then to me. He smiles slightly and I realise he knows what we were talking about. He's so observant that nothing escapes him. Fortunately, his friends aren't.

"No one, James. Now that you're here, we have to go meet with the other prefects. Let's go," she says, taking his hand and leading him out. "You too Remus," she calls.

Sirius and Peter take a seat across from Mary, Anna, and me.

Sirius. I haven't talked to him since our fight. I wonder if he's still mad at me. He isn't his usual cheery self, and everyone notices. No one says anything for a good five minutes, probably sensing the tension.

"I'm hungry," Anna says. "I'm going to look for the cart. Come with me, will you Mary?"

I know exactly what they're trying to do. "Why don't you just wait for her to come?"

"It'll take too long. Are you hungry Peter?"

I can count on Peter to ruin their plan.

"Yeah, I'll go with you," he says.

Of all the days for him to catch on, he chooses this one!

They take off, leaving Sirius and me alone. There's this unnerving silence once they're gone and I feel I have to say something.

"How was the rest of your break?" I ask.

"Satisfactory," he answers, not looking at me.

More silence. He looks agitated, angry even.

"So why aren't you with him right now?" he asks.

It takes me a second to figure out what he's talking about. "I'm not seeing him Sirius," I answer.

His head snaps up. "You're not? Why?"

"You were right. I was stupid for even considering it."

"Yeah, you were," he grins, and just like that everything is back to normal.

"So how was your New Year's Eve?" I ask.

He launches into stories of his and James' adventures that day. I tell him about my day with the Matsons (my dad made me go) and not long after, Mary, Anna, and Peter come back loaded with an assortment of treats, including my favourite: Cauldron Cakes.

"Glad to see you two talking again," Peter comments. I notice Mary nudge him in the ribs.

"I don't know what you're talking about, we never stopped talking," Sirius says.

Anna rolls her eyes. "Of course not."

The rest of the train ride is wonderful, and I feel a more relaxed now that Sirius and I are on speaking terms again. Like Kay said, we're best mates now and I felt terrible when I knew we weren't talking. I'm surprised I'm so close to him now.

I sift through my memories and try to remember when I even started talking to him. I can't pinpoint an exact date. It just kind of happened.

I suppose he was always there, but I never really paid much attention. In fifth year I was just getting used to everything, it was strange being around so many witches and wizards my age. In sixth year, I was so hooked on Brad that I didn't pay attention to any other guys. By then I knew who the marauders were, who didn't? I just didn't talk to them much, or at all. It didn't help that we were in two different houses with few classes together, but I suppose that's when I first met him anyway.

The first time that I remember paying any attention to him was at a little get-together at the lake's edge one Saturday afternoon. It was a small group, just Sean, Sirius, Kay (she and Sirius talk a bit), James, Colin, and me. Brad had Prefect duties or a club meeting or something, I can't remember. There was a point in which the others left to get some food and it was just me, Kay, and Sirius there. I could see Kay was thrilled; she had a major crush on Sirius since first year or so. We talked a little and he seemed every bit as immature as everyone told me, but I couldn't help but think about how cute he was.

Even now, I can't help but notice how attractive he is, the only difference is that he's also matured some.

I really should stop thinking about him.

OoOoOoO

We're thrown into the flow of classes the next morning. With our upcoming N.E.W.T.s, the professors are giving us even more work than before the holiday vacations. The workload is almost overwhelming. Half of the seventh years spend most of their time in the library. I prefer my dormitory to the crowded library so I'm in there more than usual. I study and do my work with Brianna and Ashley. Since we're all clever, we catch on quickly- we aren't in Ravenclaw for nothing.

That's why I find myself with Sirius and James lately. They insist that they don't need to study- which they don't. They also finish their work quickly; sometimes I wonder why they weren't put in Ravenclaw instead. Remus, Peter, and the girls do study in the library, and by the time they leave it's late and I'm in my common room.

With all of this work, January slides by unnoticed and gives way to February. The weekend of Valentine's Day is when everyone takes a break.

Ugh. Valentine's Day. The day meant to torture all singles.

It's pathetic. All the girls are talking about who asked them out, or who they want to ask them out, what they're doing, and who knows what else. To top it off, there's a Hogsmeade trip Valentine's Day weekend, which happens to be tomorrow, so every couple is planning a special day. Disgusting.

I hear Sirius chuckle. "What are you scowling at?"

We're in his dormitory just hanging out since everyone else has a special someone. Even Peter must have someone because he disappears often. Anyway, Sirius is sitting on the right side of the bed leaning against the backboard flipping through a Quidditch book, and I'm lying on my back at the foot of the bed, my legs dangling over the left edge.

I continue scowling at the ceiling as I answer him. "I'm just thinking about how dreadful tomorrow is going to be."

He puts his book down. "Why would- oh . . . Valentine's Day right?"

"Precisely. It's all anyone's been talking about! Love, love, love! Dispicable."

Sirius frowns. "Well, don't you sound like the bitterest person on earth."

"I guess I do," I mutter.

"We'll just have to fix that won't we?"

I look at him. "And how do you plan to do that?"

"By showing you that Valentine's Day can be fun. I'm taking you to Hogsmeade tomorrow."

"You can't! People will think we're a couple!" I say, panic rising for some reason.

"Do you honestly care what people think? Or am I just so repulsive that you're ashamed to be seen with me?" he smirks.

I laugh at his comment. "All right, I'll go with you."

Sirius shakes his head. "You'd think I'm forcing you to come."

"No! It's not that, it's just . . . everyone's going to be all lovey-dovey."

"It's not as if I'm dragging you to Madame Puddifoot's. We'll just go to Zonko's and The Three Broomsticks or something."

"That doesn't sound too bad . . ."

* * *

I am so sorry it took me so long to post this! I still don't have internet so I borrowed my friend's laptop and it has WiFi so I'm using someone else's internet : /

I'm trying to show the different stages Jade is going through after the breakup, but it's hard to do. Having a 'broken heart' sucks, and it's hard to describe all of the emotions and the stages. I don't know if I'm quite managing it, but still, I hope you liked this chapter. Let me know what you think!


	6. Moving On

Here is the next chapter . . . hope you like it and let me know what you think :)

* * *

I'm walking around Hogsmeade with Sirius and the streets are crowded with couples in love. Some are snogging and some are just holding hands. Both are disgusting. I roll my eyes and continue to trudge through the snow. We just left Zonko's- we spent a good two hours in there. I wasn't too happy about going in there at first, but once I was inside I couldn't leave. I had never seen half of the things in the shop. Sirius had to drag me out.

We pass by Honeydukes and note that it isn't as crowded as usual.

"Can we go in?" I ask Sirius.

"You don't have to ask Jade," Sirius says, opening the door for me.

"Thank you."

I walk around, examining each product. They have tons of chocolate, my favourite, but they also have an assortment of other things that I would never touch. For example, Cockroach Clusters, Jelly Slugs, and Blood Pops. I buy Droobles Best Blowing Gum, and a few bars of chocolate. Sirius only buys Fizzing Whizbees.

"Hmm, where to now?" Sirius muses.

"We could go to the Three Broomsticks," I say.

He doesn't appear to have heard me. He has this excited glint in his eyes. "Let's go to the Shrieking Shack!"

"The Shrieking Shack? Are you mad?"

"No, come on, it'll be great. You've never seen it right?"

"Right, because no one in their right mind would go there. It's haunted!"

"Nah, I doubt it. Let's go," he starts walking off and I'm forced to follow.

It's cold and snowing by the time we reach it, and the house looks more foreboding than ever. "Ah, wow, I've seen it so now let's go."

"No, you have to see it from the inside," he says.

From the inside? "No. Not a chance. Forget it."

"Come on Jade, live a little! Nothing will happen."

"No, this is completely foolish. Even if it isn't haunted, why would we go inside? There are probably all kinds of spiders and other bugs inside. I refuse."

"You're afraid of insects?" he smirks.

"Ugh, yes! They're disgusting!"

"Come on, you can hold on to me if you're afraid. I just want to explore," he says.

I vaguely wonder why he isn't afraid. Of course, this_ is_ Sirius Black we're talking about. "Fine," I mutter.

He takes my hand and leads me past the gate and to the back of the rickety house. "Why didn't we use the front door?" I ask.

"It doesn't open," he answers.

I don't know how he knows this, but I don't ask. He passes by the back door and opens a window instead. "Let me guess, the back door doesn't open either?"

"You guessed right. I'll help you through the window, come over here."

"I'm not going in that house first."

"Come on Jade, be brave."

"Sirius-"

"No excuses. I told you nothing will happen to you. If I weren't sure about that, I wouldn't have said it. Now come on, you first."

I release his hand grudgingly and step up to the window. He helps me through and before I know it, he's jumped in after me. I take hold of his arm.

"Jade, I know you're afraid, but I need you to let blood flow through my arm. I don't much fancy losing it."

I smile apologetically and loosen my grip. He lights the end of his wand and I follow suit. With the light, I can see that the house is in shambles. The furniture it torn and tossed everywhere, there are scratches on the walls and floor, everything is dirty and dusty . . . it's eerie.

"Sirius, can we go now, please?" I whisper, afraid of speaking any louder in the dead silence.

"Don't you want to go upstairs?" he asks with a mischievous smile on his face.

One look at the hazardous stairs gives me my answer. "No, I'm frightened enough as it is and it's getting colder."

"That would be because it started snowing," he says after glancing out of the window, "and you're starting to shiver. Ah . . . let's get going then."

We jump out of the window and I hurry to leave the Shrieking Shack. Sirius guides me towards the Three Broomsticks and once I step inside, I feel the blood returning to my extremities.

"Hey look, there are Prongs and Lily. Let's go sit with them."

"Wouldn't we be interrupting them? It _is_ Valentine's Day."

"Nah, Moony and Anna are with them."

"Oh, I didn't see them. There are a lot of people here."

"It's always crowded here on a Hogsmeade weekend, but I'm sure you know that already."

"Yes, I have been here before."

"Right, well let's not stand around all day," he says, taking my hand and leading us through the crowded room.

"Padfoot, Jade! Come join us!" James calls out to us.

"Are we interrupting your double date?" Sirius smirks as we take a seat.

"Not at all, join us and it'll be a triple date," Lily says.

"A triple date? Let me point out two obvious things that are wrong with that Evans. First of all, a 'triple date' doesn't sound good. Second of all, Jade and I aren't on a date."

"Really? Then what are you two doing alone, in Hogsmeade, on Valentine's Day?" Anna asks.

I bury my face in my hands. I knew this was a bad idea.

"Look, you're embarrassing Jade," James laughs.

Madam Rosmerta saves me by arriving to take our order. Sirius orders us two butterbeers and she's back with them in seconds.

"Why don't you join us for a bit, Rosmerta?"

Rosmerta? They must be on good terms with her.

She looks around at the crowded room. I can see that she wants to sit with us, but she also knows she has people to attend to. "Oh, I don't know . . . "

"Ten minutes won't kill you, there are other people who can help."

"I suppose . . . but only ten minutes okay?"

"Of course."

Rosmerta turns out to be a very nice woman. We all sit around sipping our butterbeers while listening to James and Sirius tell stories and jokes. Little by little, others start gathering around our table, listening to the entertainment. Soon enough we're so crowded that I don't notice when Rosmerta leaves. Lily glances at her watch and whispers something to James. It's too loud for me to make out what she said.

"Well folks, this was fun but we should all be heading back. We're supposed to be back at the castle in ten minutes."

That disperses the crowd faster than a blast-ended skrewt ever could have. Remus, Anna, James, and Lily rise to go. I'm about to do the same thing when Sirius tugs my arm to keep me seated.

"Aren't you coming?" Remus asks.

"Nah, we're going to stay here for a bit. You go ahead without us."

James gives Sirius a warning look. "We're all supposed to be back before-"

"Since when have you been such a stickler for the rules, Prongs?"

"Since he became Head Boy," Lily interrupts. "And as Head Girl I suggest you get back before I'm forced to turn you in."

"Come on Lily, you aren't serious," I say.

"I'm sorry but rules are rules and-"

I look at Sirius in horror and see that he's grinning. "With all do respect, your Head Girl-ness, you can't punish what you don't see. You're going to leave right now so you won't be late, and you won't be any wiser to mine and Jade's whereabouts. For all you would know, Jade and I could have run ahead of you lot and made it in before you."

James gives Sirius a look that says 'don't mess with her'.

"Fine Black, fine! But if I catch you out after hours believe me you will get it!"

Sirius laughs. "Please, for the sake of future generations, don't become a professor or headmistress."

Lily storms out of the Three Broomsticks with Remus and Anna behind her.

"I'll patrol the third floor so if you take the passage you'll be safe. Here's the map just in case," James hands Sirius a piece of blank parchment before taking off after Lily.

"She takes the rules to heart, that one does," Sirius mutters after she's gone.

"I agree with her. I'm afraid of getting in trouble."

"Don't worry so much, we won't be caught."

"Is there a reason we stayed behind?"

"Not really, I just didn't want to go back yet. Do you object to this?"

After telling him I don't mind, we order another butterbeer and talk for a couple of hours until Madam Rosmerta threatens to tell Dumbledore.

"Rosy, you wouldn't do that to your favorite customer, would you?" Sirius asks, giving her the puppy dog eyes.

She doesn't let up. "I let you stay long after you were supposed to leave. I can't let you break the rules, Dumbledore and the other professors trust me to enforce the school policies. Now off you go."

Sirius stands and makes a dramatic exit. "Until next time then, my fair Rosmerta."

I look at him in disbelief, utter a quick bye to Rosmerta, and hurry along after him. "So how are we supposed to get back into the castle unnoticed?"

It's near midnight and I know the door will be locked.

"I'm a Marauder, remember?"

I roll my eyes. "Of course, why was I even worried?"

He manages to get into the Honeydukes cellar and through a trap door unnoticeable on the floor. We walk down into a tunnel and follow it until we end up in the castle. Sirius pulls out the piece of parchment, mutters something I can't hear, and examines it. I don't peer over his shoulder or ask what it is for fear of seeming nosy, but I am dead curious.

He puts the parchment in his pocket. "I'll walk you to your common room."

I follow silently, and neither of us talk until we're at the entrance of the Ravenclaw Common Room. I turn to him before knocking on the door and answering the question.

"Thanks for today, I had a great time." My voice, though not loud, is amplified in the silence.

"It was my pleasure, I had a great time as well," he says.

"And you're right, Valentine's Day is endurable."

"So today was only endurable? I'm insulted, Jade," he feigns hurt.

I laugh. "It was more than endurable. I thoroughly enjoyed spending today with you."

Sirius clutches at his heart. "No, it's okay, you don't have to lie."

"It's true!"

My laughter dies abruptly when the common room door opens to reveal Brad.

"Hello Brad," Sirius greets politely. I, however, don't say anything.

"Hello Sirius. You're aware that it's after hours, aren't you?"

"Yes, I was just walking Jade back," Sirius replies casually.

"She's old enough to walk herself wherever she needs to go. Now I insist you leave before I'm forced to give you a detention."

"Brad, stop being so rude," I glare.

"Detention, Miss Anderson."

I start to protest but Sirius places his hand on my arm to silence me.

"Thanks for today and I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" He warns me with his eyes to refrain from answering back to Brad.

"Okay, goodnight," I say glumly. Then I unexpectedly hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek before turning and walking inside the common room. I sneak a glance behind me and see Sirius smirking at a shocked Brad. I grin to myself.

The next morning, I stomp over to the Gryffindor table and fling myself on the bench across from Sirius.

"What's wrong?" he asks upon seeing my fuming face.

"What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. Bradley is a stupid bloody git," I answer furiously.

I grab a piece of toast and knife and aggressively spread jam on it. Sirius reaches over and places his hands over mine, stilling my motions.

"Let me do that for you before you hurt yourself," he smiles tenderly.

I cross my arms and huff while he finishes up.

"So tell me, why is Bradley a 'stupid bloody git'?" he asks. I don't miss the soft humour in his eyes.

"The idiot was serious about assigning me a detention! He got it approved by Flitwick and I'm serving it tomorrow at nine!"

Sirius chuckles. "Did you think he was kidding?"

I scowl. Nevertheless, my anger has dissipated. "Not exactly. I thought it was more of a threat than anything."

He smiles warmly again. "No, he looked put out by your display last night."

"Who says it was a display?" I wink.

Sirius plays along. "Well in that case, meet me in the broom closet in ten minutes," he whispers seductively.

"Oh wow, how long has this been going on?" Anna's voice comes from behind us.

I blush. "We were kidding," I tell the group who just arrived.

I notice Remus' knowing smile as he looks from Sirius to me. I blush more.

"Time to go Moony, Prongs, Worm," Sirius announces.

"But we haven't had breakfast!" Peter exclaims.

"That isn't my fault, you three woke up late. Besides, we have no time to waste."

James glances at his watch. "Ah, you're right. I'll see you later, love," he kisses Lily on the cheek. Remus does the same to Anna.

Love is _so_ overrated.

"We'll see you later," Sirius waves to us girls before leaving the table.

"Bye," we respond.

Once they're out of earshot, I turn to the girls. "Okay, what's with Remus and all the smirks when he sees me and Sirius together?"

Anna rolls her eyes. "Isn't it obvious, Jade? He, like everyone else, sees the bond between you and Sirius and reckons it's only a matter of time until you start dating."

Now it's my turn to roll my eyes. "How interesting that everyone seems to see this except me and Sirius."

"Denial is the first step," Mary grins.

"I give her two weeks to finally admit it," Lily grins too.

"Not going to happen," I insist. Then something catches my eye.

Sirius is standing in the doorway talking to some girl. A very pretty girl.

"Who is Sirius talking to?" I ask the group around me, not bothering to tear my gaze from them.

They turn to look at what I'm seeing. "That's a sixth year Gryffindor, Nikki."

"Oh," I say, trying to sound indifferent. "So they fancy each other?"

Nikki giggles flirtatiously at something Sirius said. I wish I could hear their conversation.

I pretend not to notice Lily's enormous smirk. "I doubt she fancies him, she was with Chris Tabb up until last week."

"They're popular among the sixth years," Mary adds.

"We don't know how Sirius feels about her though," Lily finishes answering my question. "I reckon only his closest friends would know."

"He's never mentioned her before, and I've never seen her talk to him either," I comment. Sirius says something and takes off and Nikki stares after him.

"She tends to be shy," Anna answers.

"She didn't look shy a second ago," I mutter.

"Is this jealousy I'm sensing?" Mary asks.

"No, you must be mistaken Mary," Lily interjects, "it can't be jealousy since Jade swears up and down that Sirius is _only_ her friend and she feels _nothing_ for him."

"I don't know Lily, it sure looks like jealousy to me," Mary says.

"Ha-ha you two, have I ever told you how hilarious you are?"

"We get it all the time," Lily grins.

"So Jealous Jade, what's on your mind?" Mary asks.

Lily and Anna burst out laughing at the nickname.

"Fine," I grumble. "If I admit that I was _teeny_ bit jealous, will you drop the ridiculous nickname?"

"Of course sweetie," Mary says in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"Well, I wouldn't say jealous is the right word. I'm just protective of my friends," I answer evasively.

"You didn't admit anything, JJ," Lily points out.

"That's perfect Lily! JJ, short for Jealous Jade!" Mary exclaims.

I roll my eyes. "Oh joy."

After we finish breakfast, we go out on the grounds. Even though it's frosty, we spend most of the day outdoors- just us girls. The boys don't show up at lunch so we spend the afternoon together too, though we spend it inside the castle. Shockingly enough, Brianna and Ashley join us for an hour or so.

"Are we interrupting anything?" Ashley asks when they near us.

"No," Lily tells them. "Take a seat and join us. Jade was just telling us about Brad giving her detention."

We're in a narrow, empty corridor on the fourth floor. The girls take a seat on the wall opposite us, next to Anna. "Ah, we heard about that," Brianna says. "Samantha and Nathalie were talking about it in the common room this morning."

"What were they saying?" Mary asks.

"Nathalie was just complaining about how upset Brad was last night when he saw you kiss Black. She feels Brad shouldn't care because he's with her now."

"You kissed Sirius?!" Mary and Lily shriek.

"No! I did not! I just hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek to get Brad mad! That's it! I swear!"

Everyone laughs at my expense.

"What's so wrong about kissing Black?" Ashley asks.

"That's what I was wondering, it isn't as if he's ugly," Brianna says.

When they put it that way, I wonder why I spend so much time and energy denying it. It wouldn't be terrible if it were true. "Because we aren't seeing each other," I offer lamely.

"She wishes they were though," Mary tells Brianna and Ashley.

"I do not!"

"I thought they were until right now," Brianna says.

"Everyone does. They might as well because they fancy each other," Lily says.

"I knew it!" Ashley says.

"You did not because it isn't true," I snap.

"Aww, don't get mad JJ! We're just teasing!"

"Sure you are," I grumble.

We spend about another hour talking until we notice the time. Ashley and Brianna head to our common room and I go with the girls to the Gryffindor common room- I don't want to go to mine yet. We find James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter already seated in armchairs near the fire.

"How was your day?" James asks Lily after giving her a small peck on the lips.

"It was great, we had a lot of fun teasing JJ over there," she grins widely, motioning to me.

"JJ? Jade doesn't have a middle name," Sirius says, trying to figure out the meaning in my new name.

"Oh, JJ stands for-" Mary begins but is cut off by Anna.

"Look, Tyler just came in with Tiffany, and she looks like she's crying."

Sirius and I both snap our heads towards the portrait door. Tyler is leading a crying Tiffany through the common room. Why would she be crying with Tyler? Unless . . .

"Sean," I whisper. I stand abruptly. "I have to go, I'll see you later," I call to them.

I run through the castle and to my common room. I don't see Sean anywhere so I rush to the boy's dormitory hoping he's inside. I find him leaning against the bed's backboard, staring into space. "Hey Sean," I say quietly, joining him on the bed, "how are you doing?"

He takes a deep sigh. "You were right."

I don't want to be right. I want him to be happy. "I wish I wasn't."

"We were fine yesterday, but I couldn't find her this afternoon. I asked Brittany if she had seen her and she said that she was in their common room with Tyler."

I stay silent, partly because I don't know what to say, and partly because I know he isn't done.

"The thing is, part of me knew that she wouldn't stay away from him, but I still went back to her. _I_ couldn't stay away from her. I love her too much. You can understand that, can't you?"

"Of course I can," I answer, thinking of Brad.

"I talked to her and we ended it. I'm really done with her this time. I'm not going to take her back. I'm through with this."

"That's good Sean, I'm glad you're doing this." Is it terrible that I don't completely believe him?

"Yeah, I guess."

"So does that mean I'll see more of you now?"

"I don't want to see Tyler or Tiffany, and Gryffindor is Tyler's house. I'll see you whenever you're around here though."

"Unless you're around Brad," I mutter.

"He is my mate, Jade, but don't worry. He's around Nathalie half the time so you'll see me. How are you doing though?"

"I'm doing okay Sean, it's you I'm worried about."

"Don't, I've been through this before. It'll help if you talk about something else to help me forget."

I nod. "Okay then, um, I spent the day with the girls today," I start. We talk for about an hour, like we used to. We miss dinner, but I don't mind. I tell him all about my day, and how things have been going since coming back from the holiday break. I also tell him how people swear I love Sirius.

Then he asks me the question I have avoided answering, even to myself. "Honestly Jade, how do you feel about him?"

How do I feel about him? That's a loaded question. I begin speaking what I think and feel.

"Well, I love to be around him, and I can't imagine ever losing his friendship. He's witty, has a great sense of humour, he can be sensitive- at times- he's loyal, he has this streak of recklessness so opposite from me that it attracts me. We can talk for hours; he listens to what I have to say. He's handsome, more so than anyone I've met. I . . . he took care of me when I needed someone the most; he saved me, in a way. I can't picture myself without him."

Sean smiles. "I wish you could have seen your face while you were talking."

"Why?"

"You were glowing, Jade. You've been in denial; he is much more than your mate."

I open my mouth to contradict him but the door opens and in walks Brad.

"Oh, hi Jade, I didn't know you were in here."

"I was just leaving," I say as I rise. "I'll see you later Sean."

"You don't have to leave on my account."

"I'm actually supposed to meet someone right now," I lie.

"Who?" Brad asks.

I don't understand why I feel like I have to answer his questions, but I do. "If you must know, it's Sirius."

I see Sean smirk at my answer. It's almost eight thirty, he knows Sirius has Quidditch practise until nine. I leave without giving Brad a chance to answer.

I head down to the Quidditch Pitch, hoping that Lily decided to watch James today so I can have some company. No such luck. I sit on the bleachers and wait for them to finish. I sit in the cold for a good half hour before James, the captain, calls everyone in. They talk for a minute and then zoom off to the locker room. Sirius, however, flies over to where I'm sitting. As he nears, I can see that he's covered in mud and his hair is dishevelled. Despite this, he still looks great.

"I didn't know you were so desperate to see me," he grins.

I shove him playfully. "You're so full of yourself."

"I haven't heard that one before," he says sarcastically, still grinning.

"I'm sure. I'm only here because I needed to get away."

"Hmm, how about you wait here for ten minutes while I shower and change and then you tell me all about why you needed to get away?"

"Okay, just don't take too long."

I wait, despite the chill, for ten minutes before Sirius comes back and takes a seat next to me.

"Took you long enough," I grumble.

He laughs. "I only took ten minutes, but anyway, what's up?"

I sigh. "I talked to Sean."

"And . . ." he prompts.

"He broke it off with Tiffany. He says it's for good this time."

"Ah," he thinks for a second. "Sean is my mate, but I'll admit that he frustrates me sometimes. I get the feeling this isn't the last time."

"Same here, mostly because he said it was the last time before. What frustrates me most is how neither Tyler nor Sean can leave Tiffany alone. It's as if they like this love triangle thing they've got going on. It's a sick game that neither is willing to get out of," I rant. "While she was with Sean, she made herself look like the victim by swearing that Tyler kept bothering her when I know for a fact that _she _was the one looking for _him_, and Sean bought it.

"I'm sure she does the same thing when she's with Tyler, making Sean look like the bad guy. I bet she's crying on Tyler's shoulder right now about the break up with Sean. Ugh, she's so infuriating! I wish Tyler and Sean would both leave her alone so she could stop messing with them! But they won't, and until they do, this cycle will keep going."

Sirius says nothing at first, making sure I'm finished venting. When he's sure that I am, he speaks. "You are absolutely right, but they love her, it isn't easy to let go."

"I loved Brad," I contradict quietly, "and I was able to move on."

"You wouldn't believe the hold that women can have on men. Like you said, she makes herself the victim and it becomes a role. She's the damsel in distress in need of someone to save her. Sean and Tyler take it in turns to play her knight in shining armour. Some guys like to be the hero, always rescuing the damsel."

A thought suddenly strikes me. "Is that was I am- or was- to you?"

Sirius shakes his head. "No, you were a friend in need."

"I _was_ a friend in need? So what am I now?"

"Now?" He looks thoughtful for a second. "Well, _now_ you're much more than that."

Much more than that? Much more than a friend? What does that mean? If I'm more than a friend, than that can only be . . . a sister? I'm like a sister to him? Or maybe . . . no, it can't be. I don't know what I was expecting his answer to be but it certainly wasn't this.

I force myself to look at him and become conscious of our proximity; our faces are inches from each other. I freeze but my heart speeds up. I never noticed how mesmerizing his grey eyes are; I can't back away.

Sirius closes the small distance and places a sound kiss on my lips.

When he pulls away, my mind tells me to stay put but my body leans in for another kiss. He obliges willingly. I feel one of his hands at the back of my neck pulling me closer while my hands lay motionless on my lap.

That's when it hits me. Being here, kissing Sirius feels so right. All thought leaves my mind, and all that matters is us: Sirius and I.

I don't know how long the kiss lasts, but when we pull away, I come back to my senses and flush.

Sirius and I kissed. This can't be happening. I turn abruptly and rush down the stands to the castle.


	7. Love Again

Sorry this took so long to post, I got stuck so I'm just posting what I have so far so that you don't have to wait too long :) I'll post up the next chapter as soon as I get over my writer's block.

* * *

_Last Chapter:_

_Sirius and I kissed. This can't be happening. I turn abruptly and rush down the stands to the castle._

OoOoO

"Wait!" Sirius calls after me.

I refuse to stop. I hear him running after me. I'm about ten feet from the exit of the field before he grabs my arm and I'm forced to face him. "Don't run, Jade."

My heart is pounding in my chest, countless emotions run through me: confusion, embarrassment, awkwardness, nervousness, attraction, comprehension, recognition.

Yes, recognition.

Lily, Anna, and Mary were right. Remus was right. Mikayla was right. Sean was right. Everyone who said it would happen was right. Because it did happen.

I fell for Sirius.

And this makes me want to run. I can't love him! He's Sirius . . . we're friends . . . I . . . can't.

I force myself to calm down and talk this out. He won't let me go without talking anyway.

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

"I- we- what was that?" I ask.

What if he doesn't feel the same way I do? What if he didn't mean anything by the kiss? What if he just got caught up in the moment? He's just standing there looking relaxed, as if he didn't just kiss me. Does that mean I was right? If it was anything more than that, he would be just as nervous as I am, right?

"Jade, I . . . I think I love you."

Well, that proves me wrong.

I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. He loves me? No, he _thinks_ he loves me. Well, I think I might love him too, but there's no way I'm saying it yet. "How long?"

He runs a hand through his hair. "I honestly don't know. I can't identify a precise moment; I only know that it happened." He chuckles humourlessly, "they were right, we were so close- it was bound to happen."

Sirius gently holds his hand to my face, and I can do nothing but stare motionlessly at him. "All I know is that at some point in these last three months, I fell in love with you."

I'm flustered. The natural thing to do here would be to tell him how I feel. I already know how he feels, so why is this so hard? "I-I did too." Sirius brightens at my words. I look away and collect my thoughts. "I don't know how it happened either, but I know I've been denying it for ages."

He laughs lightly. "So have I. Remus kept insisting that I did but I wouldn't let myself admit it until about a week ago. I kept it to myself because I didn't know how you felt, but then this afternoon, after you left, the girls explained to me why they were calling you JJ."

I blush furiously. I was hoping he would never find out.

He smiles. "That was when I realised, with Remus' help, that you probably felt the same way, and now here we are."

"So where does that leave us?" I ask quietly, staring at the grass.

He takes a deep breath. "Be mine."

I lift my eyes to his. "Be yours?"

"Come on Jade, I'm nervous enough as it is. Just give me an answer," he sighs.

He could have fooled me. He looks completely at ease, as if we were discussing the weather. Then again, that's always been his style- a cool front hiding his true emotions. "I, um, yeah," I stutter. I couldn't figure out how to answer his question.

"I'm glad," he whispers before leaning in for another kiss.

3 3 3 3

"You what?!" Mikayla shrieks. I finished dinner and went to find Mikayla to have a chat. We've been walking around the castle for almost an hour I think.

"Shh! Quiet down!" I hiss. I left the information about Sirius and me out until the end of our conversation for this very reason.

"I knew it! I knew this was going to happen! It was only a matter of time!" Kay looks ready to burst with happiness. "It was always meant to be you and Sirius, Jade," she continues. "From the first time I saw the way you two got along, I knew he was the one for you!"

"You're a Seer now or what?" I mock.

"Oh shush, it was just a feeling I got. Oh I'm so happy for you!"

"Thanks, but I'd better get going to detention," I sigh.

"I'll walk with you," Kay says.

"Thanks. It really annoys me how he assigned me a detention for no reason! All I told him was to stop being rude. Prefects . . . always abusing their powers, and of course professors are going to believe them over us . . . it's so unfair!"

"Not all Prefects are bad," Mikayla defends.

"No, but sometimes it gets to people's heads," says a voice behind us.

I jump a foot in the air. "Sirius! I didn't see you there!"

He chuckles. "Sorry I startled you, I assure you it wasn't my intention."

I roll my eyes just as Mikayla speaks. "I'll see you two around!" she says before leaving.

Sirius casually takes my hand in his. "So how was your day?"

"You should know, I spent most of it with you," I smile.

"Yes, but loads could have happened in that hour or so that you were with Mikayla."

"Not really, we just talked."

We're outside of Flitwick's office but I'm not ready to go inside yet. I lean against the wall and Sirius puts his hands on either side of me. "Oh, anything in particular?"

I smile. "I might have mentioned you."

He leans in closer. "Really? What about me?"

"Just how reckless you can be," I say, my breathing quickening with his proximity.

"Me? Reckless? I don't see it," he grins. He brushes his lips against mine, softly at first and then with more pressure.

I pull away and feel the grin on my face. "I would call that reckless. Snogging me in front of a professor's office."

"I don't see you complaining."

"No, I like your recklessness."

He raises an eyebrow. "I can be more reckless," he says seductively.

I laugh. "I had better get inside before I'm late. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye love," I hear him whisper as the door closes. I turn and face Professor Flitwick.

"Miss Anderson, it's good to see you. Everything is well, I hope?" Flitwick is so nice, even when a student is in trouble. I don't think anyone could ever hate him. "Yes Professor, thank you for asking."

"I am glad to hear it. Today you will simply be doing lines, as many as you can write within an hour, but no less than two hundred. You may sit in that table by the door and begin. The line is _I will not disrespect a Prefect_."

I smile inwardly. This is much too easy- not that I'm complaining. "Yes, sir."

I take my seat and write my lines slowly. I think of only doing two hundred, but by the time I reach that many, I still have half an hour left. I continue writing so as not to die of boredom.

I'm out of detention by nine and I'm surprised to find that I'm extremely sleepy. I make my way to Ravenclaw Tower, through the common room, and to my dormitory where I fall asleep five minutes after lying in bed.

Potions the next day is ghastly. As a N.E.W.T. level class, we typically work on potions individually. For this lesson, we are to attempt to make Veritaserum, extremely difficult and deadly if made wrong. In view of that fact, Slughorn assigns us groups of three. With my wonderful luck, my partners are Nathalie and Tiffany and the closest group to us consists of James, Bradley, and Brianna. Sirius is on the other side of the room with Sean and Colin- he has all the luck.

I shoot him an anxious look before I'm joined by the girls. They pull up chairs and sit next to me.

Tiffany is all smiles. "Hi Jade."

"Hi Tiffany," I say with an easy smile. She's a tart, sure, but she isn't mean or stuck up. I used to get along with her perfectly well, but I stopped talking to her after I noticed what she was doing. I avoid her if I can, but I feel bad ignoring her.

It's hard to describe. She's okay as a person; I just can't stand what she's doing . . . that makes sense, doesn't it?

"You're Nathalie, right?" she asks the brooding French girl.

Nathalie doesn't even look up from the compact mirror she's looking in. "It's pronounced 'nah-tah-ly'," she says.

"Oh, sorry. I'm Tiffany," she says, holding out her hand.

Nathalie eyes it coolly and shakes it after a second.

"Well, we should get started then. I'll get the ingredients while you two set up," Tiffany says.

She leaves before I can protest. She probably wants to get away as much as I do.

I finish setting up within a minute, leaving an uncomfortable silence between Nathalie and me. She gets up and walks over to the group in front of us- where Bradley is, naturally.

"C'est barbant, mon amour," she says loud enough for me to hear.

I don't know what the first part means, but I know mon amour means 'my love'. I don't know why she insists on speaking bloody French when she can speak English perfectly well!

"We'll be out of here before you know it," he tells her, giving her a light kiss.

I am over Brad, honestly. It's just annoying how she tries to make me jealous, and it isn't as if she's a nice person.

James follows my gaze and seems to understand. "We're not trying to make a potion here or anything," he tells Brad with biting sarcasm.

I tear my eyes away from them and notice Brianna trying to catch my eye. She punches a fist into her open palm and points at Nathalie who is completely oblivious to her. I crack a smile.

Nathalie returns to the table and takes a seat. Seconds later, Tiffany returns with the ingredients and we start the potion.

I'm surprised to see Nathalie and Tiffany working diligently; I thought I was going to be left doing all the work. It's a relatively quiet lesson. We follow the directions with minimal talking. I'm relieved when the lesson ends.

"I hope working with the girls wasn't completely dreadful," Sirius comments as we walk out.

"It was horrible. You don't know how hard it is to be around Tiffany when all I wanted to do was curse her! And don't even get me started on Nathalie."

"That bad, huh?"

"Yes. I bet working with Sean and Colin was appalling," I say.

"You think you're kidding, but it was. You're forgetting that our next match is against Ravenclaw, and they're both on the team. They were trying to kill me!" he jokes.

I laugh. "Your next match is in April; we're barely half way through February!"

"I reckon they wanted to get an early start on eliminating the competition," he grins.

Sirius achieved what he wanted- I'm now smiling. I reach up to peck him on the lips. "I'm sure that's it."


	8. New Relationship

"What are you thinking?" I ask Sirius.

"Do you really want to know?" he asks me in return, not looking up from the essay he's writing.

"Yes."

He starts staring at me and smiles tenderly. "I'm thinking that you're beautiful."

I blush. "Don't."

"Don't what?" he asks, leaving his homework on the table and coming to sit next to me. He grabs a loose strand of my hair and places it behind my ear. "Can't I tell my girlfriend how beautiful I think she is?"

"Sirius-"

"Because as much as you deny it, you are," he places a kiss on my forehead and returns to his homework.

"Thank you," I mumble, still blushing.

"It's the truth," he smiles.

Being with Sirius is incredible. The girls he went out with would always talk about how handsome and nice he is, but that didn't even scratch the surface. It surprises me how romantic he can be. He says the sweetest things and treats me as if I'm the only one he sees. It's an amazing feeling, powerful and exhilarating. Knowing that he loves me blows my mind. It's unfathomable to me that Sirius Black fell in love with me, plain Jade Anderson. But that's another thing about our relationship. It isn't based solely on attraction. It started out as a friendship. Neither of us planned it to happen this way, it just sort of grew into this.

February and March fly by with nothing out of the ordinary except our ever increasing work load. Because of our heavy workload, we don't see each other as much as we did, but when we're together everything seems perfect. Now it's April and I have less than three months left with Sirius. I don't know what's going to happen to us after Hogwarts. We talk about it as if it's a given that we'll stay together, but I don't like getting my hopes up. I know he plans to find a place of his own and continue his education to be an Auror. I'm not sure what I plan to do. In all honesty, I don't really need to work. I could just live off of my parents money, but I wouldn't feel . . . independent that way. I'll just take things one day at a time.

The Quidditch match back in the middle of March, Hufflepuff versus Slytherin, ended in a Hufflepuff victory. It was the longest match I have seen; it lasted almost four hours because neither side could catch the Snitch. I don't exactly blame them, it poured rain the entire match and the fog didn't clear until half way through.

Since Hufflepuff won, they will play in the championship match against either Ravenclaw or Gryffindor, depending on who wins the match next week.

"I'm not taking any sides!" I announce for about the fiftieth time.

"Come on Jade! You have to have a preference!" Sean insists, spearing his sausage with his fork.

"I don't. I'll be cheering for both of you equally," I state defiantly.

"That's a lie!" Sirius argues.

"Fine, the truth." I sigh and take a drink of orange juice, "Ravenclaw _is_ my house, and Sean is like my brother . . . I'm going for Ravenclaw."

"I knew it!" Sean hugs me.

"But I'm your boyfriend!" Sirius feigns hurt.

I smile. "I know, and I'm cheering for you too, I just want Ravenclaw to win."

"Ah, what a shame, we all know Gryffindor is going to win," Sirius boasts, earning himself angry glares from the surrounding Ravenclaws.

Yes, we're sitting at the Ravenclaw table for breakfast.

"Not necessarily . . . okay you do have the upper hand," I admit reluctantly.

"Jade!" Sean exclaims.

"What? It's true! This means that when you win it'll be that much better. You know, 'the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph' type of thing."

"Fair enough, I'll see you after the game. I have to go," Sean hugs me and leaves.

"I'd better go too before James bites my head off. Bye love," Sirius kisses me before taking off.

Now I'm sitting alone at the Ravenclaw table, staring at my empty plate.

I've been spending a lot of time here actually. It's mostly for Sean though. The thing is that Sean and Brad aren't really mates anymore. According to Sean, he's not the same person. Ever since he started seeing Nathalie again, he's changed. Sean came to me about two weeks after I started seeing Sirius and told me he was worried.

_"You were right to worry about Brad going to the 'dark side'. I think he's already there," Sean whispers urgently._

_We're sitting in our common room amidst all the noise, hoping not to be overheard. "What do you mean?"_

_"Well, these last couple of weeks with him, I've noticed a huge change. He isn't the same anymore Jade. He gets the Prophet in the morning and when he reads about what's going on with Voldemort, he laughs. He laughs! I couldn't believe it at first. I told him to stop being such a prick, that innocent people were dying and he shouldn't laugh, but he just told me to sod off. I couldn't believe it._

_"And then when Nathalie is around, it's worse. They gossip- yes, Brad gossips- about the people at school and the 'mudbloods'."_

_I open my mouth to ask him if they've mentioned me, but then close it. If they do talk about me, I'm better off not knowing what they say._

_"I'm done with him, Jade," Sean announces. "I don't want to be around him anymore. I've been close to fighting him twice, and it isn't even worth it. I know I said I can't be around the Gryffindor crowd, but that was before I knew that this crowd was worse."_

_"Hmm, well I don't have any issues being around Brad anymore, so maybe we can switch off. Sometimes we eat here, and sometimes over there?"_

_He opens his mouth, to protest probably, so I cut him off. "Tyler isn't the bad guy, he's actually quite decent. Besides, he doesn't usually talk to our crowd. He's mostly with the other two seventh year Gryffindor girls. Sarah, you know, his twin, and her friend Eleanor Wood, she's on the Quidditch team."_

_" . . . Okay, sure, but what about Sirius?"_

_"You made time for me when I needed you, and I'll do the same for you. Sirius won't mind, he has his friends."_

_"You're a couple now Jade. Doesn't he want you around him?"_

_I shrug. "Not all the time. We both need to make time for friends. Besides, it isn't as if I won't see him any other time, or he can come over here."_

_The truth is that I learned my lesson last time. Just because I'm with Sirius doesn't mean I have to forget the rest of my friends. There's no need for me to isolate myself from everyone else. Sirius agrees._

_"If you're sure . . ."_

_"I am," I smile._

That seems like so long ago, but it's only been a month. This is the second Saturday of April, the day of the big match. Ravenclaw versus Gryffindor.

"Jade?"

I snap out of my reverie. "Huh?" I look around to find the owner of the voice and I see Ashley and Brianna standing in front of me.

"Are you coming to the game?" Brianna asks.

"Uh, yeah," I nod.

"Then let's go so we can get good seats," Ashley invites.

I follow them out to the pitch. A thought suddenly strikes me. "Hey, why don't you two talk to Sean much?" I don't mind spending time with him, he's a great guy, but it's a valid question. Sean could use more friends too.

Brianna giggles nervously. "What do you mean? Sure we talk to him."

"Oh please, Jade won't tell anyone. Bree fancies him."

"I do not!"

Ashley rolls her eyes. "Right, and McGonagall isn't secretly in love with Dumbledore."

"What? McGonagall and Dumbledore? You're kidding right?"

Brianna and Ashley stare at me in disbelief. I can't tell if it's because I don't know about it, or because it's a joke. "Never mind, the point is she fancies Sean.

I'm about to ask if it's true, but Brianna's blush is answer enough. "Ah, that's a shame," I say instead.

We're at the stands now, in the Ravenclaw section, naturally. We take a seat next to some fifth year girls giggling about how good Colin looks.

Brianna frowns. "What is that supposed to mean?" she asks me.

"That you would be great for him if he weren't so hooked on that tart-"

"-Scott, I know," Brianna grimaces.

"Sorry, I've tried knocking some sense into him but he's pretty stupid."

"Nah, he's just in love," she mutters. "Too bad Scott is too heartless to care about him."

"Look at the bright side, Gary asked you out," Ashley sniggers.

She wrinkles her nose. "That fifth year Hufflepuff? Ugh, don't remind me."

Madame Hooch blows the whistle to signal the start of the game, thus ending our conversation.

The game doesn't last very long, about forty-five minutes I would say. Ravenclaw was doing well . . . at first.

We were in the lead, by ten, for about twenty minutes. Then it all went downhill from there. We just aren't a match for Gryffindor this year. Their Chasers started scoring like crazy- I think they were holding back in the beginning- and most of the game was spent on our side of the field. Ravenclaw was forced to play more defense than offense, and frankly, we didn't do well.

Looks like the final match is going to be Gryffindor against Hufflepuff. Slytherin was terrible this year too. Their best players, Marius Cohen and William Chomsky, left school last year.

So Gryffindor caught the Snitch making the score 190 – 250, Gryffindor. At least we held up our own. I head down to the field in search of Sean and Sirius. There are so many people that I have to elbow my way past them. I finally see Sean, who oddly enough, is grinning. Shouldn't he be sad about losing?

"Sean! Over here!" I call to him, trying to catch his attention.

He pushes his way past people to reach me.

"Why are you grinning?" I ask him.

He puts an arm around my shoulders and leads me to the locker rooms. "Because today is a glorious day."

"But you lost the game." Okay, so that wasn't the most tactful thing to say, but he's acting strange.

"Jade, Jade, Jade, didn't you see who I was talking to?"

"No," I say slowly, hoping that he isn't going to say whom I think he's going to say.

"Tiffany! She wants to talk to me," he says, still grinning.

I stop walking and stare at him, a scowl forming on my face. I don't even care that the rest of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team is walking past us. "You're kidding, right Sean? This is a joke because I know that you're not going to go back to her. You're a Ravenclaw, which means you're wise, so you're not going to meet her and talk to her because that wouldn't be wise. That would be _stupid_."

"We're just going to talk, no harm."

No, it isn't just talking and we both know it, but it's his business so I keep my mouth shut. If he wants to back to that . . . that . . . tramp, then let him. I've tried talking to him before and he doesn't listen, so he's on his own now. "Okay Sean, whatever you say. I'm going to find Sirius."

I leave him and stroll over to the big crowd still on the field. On my way over to him, I see Colin and Andrew. "Hey, good game you two."

"Thanks," Colin answers. "We just weren't good enough."

"Hey, don't say that! You played your best and that's all that matters!"

"No, all that matters is winning," Andrew contradicts.

I don't argue because I know I won't change their minds.

Colin suddenly brightens up. "We still have a chance to win third place! If we beat Slytherin-"

Andrew shakes his head. "They're ahead in points though. We would have to win by a margin of about one-fifty."

"Yeah, and we can do it. Listen, the two blokes they got to replace Cohen and Sinclair are terrible-"

"I'll see you two later!" I dismiss myself before they get too carried away with their strategizing.

I finally make it to the large crowd of Gryffindors surrounding their team. Sirius sees me and pushes his way through people until he reaches me.

I squeeze him. "Congratulations on the win!"

"Thanks," he grins. He puts an arm around my shoulder and with his other arm motions for James to join him. Lily comes along as well. I don't know where the rest of our group is, I can't see them in the crowd.

"Congratulations," I tell James too when he nears me.

"Ah, no hard feelings then?" he, too, grins.

"None at all," I grin back.

"Excellent. Hey, Padfoot, what do you reckon our chances against Hufflepuff are?"

"Er, I'm not too sure. Their captain is that fifth year, Moran. He's a brilliant Chaser and he's whipped the whole team into shape."

"Yes but their Beaters aren't great."

"They're decent, but what they lack with the Beaters they make up with their Chasers. And their Keeper is just as good."

"It just means that we have to work that much harder. I have some new plays in mind-"

James and Sirius strategize all the way back to the common room. I turn to Lily and talk to her instead. "Exciting game, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was okay. Quidditch isn't my thing, but I'm glad we won. Are you coming to the party?" she asks me.

"Ah, I don't know. It would be rather traitorous wouldn't it? I mean, we lost."

"Don't worry about that, just come and have fun. I'm sure Sirius would be sad if you weren't there."

I hesitate. "Ah, well, okay."

The party turns out to be . . . interesting. Sirius and James, as always, are the center of attention. There are a few Hufflepuffs around, and I notice one of them keeps hanging all over Sirius. Lily points this out to me but I don't know what to do. I just ignore it, trusting that Sirius will get away from her eventually. Instead, I spend time with Lily, Mary, and Peter; Remus and Anna left the common room for a more quiet atmosphere.

"Did you see when that Bludger hit that one Ravenclaw Chaser? It was the best moment of the game!" Peter says.

I scowl. "No it wasn't! Colin could have seriously been hurt!"

"Oh, I didn't realize you knew him."

"Even if she didn't know him, it would hardly have been funny," Lily says.

"Hey, how many shots of butterbeer do you think I can take?" Mary asks us, changing the subject.

"It's butterbeer. You can have twenty and it wouldn't do anything," Peter says, looking at Mary as if she were stupid.

"Eh, it's not like I would have done it anyway."

"Then why did you ask?"

"I don't know, I suppose I was bored."

"Yeah, we should do something."

"Like what? And can we join?"

I snap my head to my left. James and Sirius have decided to join us.

"We didn't really have anything in mind."

As it turns out, all we really needed to do was call James and Sirius over and that provided all of our entertainment. We stayed up for hours, and little by little everyone was going up to their dormitories.

"What time is it?" I ask.

James glances at his watch. "Ten to twelve."

"Oh no, I should really get going," I say, my eyes drooping.

"Ten more minutes," Sirius says.

"I . . . okay. I'll just rest my eyes," I mumble, leaning my head against his chest.

The room suddenly feels brighter. I open one eye and see the sun shining outside of the window.

Why am I not in bed and why is everything red and gold? And why, for Merlin's sake, is my pillow not soft? I force my other eye open and sit up. Someone's arm is around me. I turn around to see who it belongs to, and find that it's Sirius.

Then it all comes back. I must have fallen asleep here last night. That's really sweet, like one of those scenes in a movie or something.

I stare at Sirius, sleeping peacefully, and can't help but wonder what the future will bring for us. I love him more than I ever thought I would. I remember that when we first met, I didn't think much of him . . . now that's all changed. I love him. I can't see myself without him.

And that scares me to death.

* * *

**IMPORTANT A/N:**

**Sorry it took me so long to update!! Not only have I been really busy but I also have no idea where I want this to go. I should really plan out the story before I start writing it but . . . I didn't. So I'm asking you, the wonderful readers!**

**What do you want to see happen next? Any ideas? Let me know (either in a comment or PM).**


	9. Siriusly Jaded

"In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person."  
--Margaret Anderson

* * *

My heart pounds as I knock on Jade's front door. Part of me wants to turn around and leave, but the other part knows I have to do this. We finished our last year at Hogwarts about a month ago, and I've been putting this off way too long. It's time.

"The door is unlocked, come in!" I hear her yell.

I walk in and follow the noise to the living room. "Cute kid," I comment, seeing the little girl painting next to her.

"Isn't she? She's Eric's daughter, he asked me to babysit. Her name is Tori. Tori, this is Sirius," she tells the girl.

Tori stares at me and then leans over to Jade. "He's a boy," she whispers.

Jade laughs. "I know, and he's a really nice boy too."

I wish she wouldn't have said that. Isn't what I have to do hard enough as it is?

"So what was so important that you couldn't wait until I was done babysitting?" she smiles at me.

Merlin, this isn't going to be easy. I take a deep breath. "Maybe . . . maybe we should stop going out," I say quietly, not bothering to beat around the bush because, hell, it isn't going to be easy either way.

She stops playing with Tori and looks at me. "What are you saying?"

I can almost see the tears welling up in her eyes. "I'm saying that . . . I can't see you anymore Jade."

She puts the paintbrush down and stares at her hands.

"Aunty Jade! Aunty Jade! Look at what I made!" Tori yells. She spilled the paint on the floor and made hand prints with it.

Jade turns to the young girl. "That- that's wonderful Tor. Listen, I need you to wash your hands and go to your room. I'll be up in a little while okay?"

The child's face falls when she sees Jade's expression. "Okay Aunt Jade . . . why do you look so sad?"

Jade forces a smile. "I'm not sweetie, I just need to talk to Sirius for a bit. I'll be right up and I'll bring you a snack okay?"

"Okay." Tori bounds up the stairs, leaving us alone.

I clean the carpet with a wave of my wand, needing a reason to look away from her. "I'm really sorry Jade."

She screws her eyes shut. "Just . . . just tell me why."

"Trust me when I say that it's for your own g-"

"Please don't tell me that it's for my own good. I know what's for my own good, and this . . . isn't it."

"It is, trust me."

The tears slip out. "Please Sirius, give me one valid reason. Tell me you don't love me."

I feel like I should walk over to her and take her hands in mine, or hug her, or something. But I don't. I stay standing where I've been since I walked in, and she's standing across from me, exactly where she's been since I walked in. "Jade, I'm doing this because I'm in the Order; it's going to be a full time responsibility. I can't be with you; it's for your own safety and happiness."

Can't she see that this is so much harder on me than on her? "I love you Jade, I love you enough to know that you deserve a life with a husband and a family, and I can't provide that for you. Not while this war is going on."

"I'll fight. I don't need to work, my parents have enough money. I can fight with you."

I shake my head. She's always been very fragile. Even if she could handle it, I don't want her to have to. "This war isn't for you. I don't want you fighting."

"I can wait then. I can wait until it's over-"

I shake my head sadly. "We don't know how long that can take, and I don't know if I'll make it out alive. Besides, they would use you against me. I won't put you in danger. This is the only way." She has to understand.

"I don't care, I love you Sirius, I don't care how long it takes, or if I'm in danger-"

"But I do, and I can't do that to you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I was the cause of your death. I refuse to do that to you. I'm letting you go so you can find someone who deserves you. So you can start that life you want, and forget about me."

"I can't forget about you."

"You have to. This lifestyle isn't for you. You deserve better."

She screws her eyes shut. "I . . . don't want this."

"I'm sorry. Please do this Jade, find a husband and live the life you've always wanted. I see the way you are with Tori and I know you want a family. I can't provide that, so I'm letting you go so you can find someone who can."

She starts sobbing. I make to hold her but she backs away. "Don't you do that. Don't you try to comfort me when it's you who's doing this to me."

"I'm sorry Jade. Know that I'll always love you."

"Go . . . just go."

I hesitate, wanting to hold her. Wanting to tell her that this is all a joke, that there is another way, but there isn't. I need to be alone for this. I love her enough to be able to let her go so she can be happy, even though I'll be miserable without her. I only hope that she can understand, and forgive me in time.

* * *

**I know, this is sad, but I felt that this is what Sirius would do. There are two directions I can take this story in, and I've written out both of them . . . there's the sad one that I believe is what would really happen, and there's the kind-of happy ending one that's slightly AU.**

**I can't decide which one to post, or if to post both in a choose-your-own-ending type of thing, but that would get confusing. Maybe I should just leave it here. I'll post when I decide what to do. Your input would be great :)**

**As always, thanks for reading!  
**


	10. Ending 1: Maybe

**You would not believe what happened.**

**So I had the second ending saved on my flash drive, and I lost it! It was so long and I lost it all! I've looked everywhere and I can't find it. New technology is great and horrible. Luckily, I saved this ending onto my laptop so here it is. This is the sad ending, but the more realistic one. If I ever find my flash drive, I'll post the other one up too.**

* * *

"Well, if it isn't Mikayla Sanders. How have you been?" I haven't seen her in about four years; I avoided any contact with her and it worked- until today. She gained weight from the last time I saw her, and her hair is lighter, but other than that she looks the same.

"It's nice to see you, Sirius. I've been as good as anyone can be with this war going on," she sighs.

"I know what you mean, these are hard times."

"It's not all bad though. I've been married to Michael for a year and I'm pregnant!"

That would explain the weight. "Congratulations. That's great, really, that is." And it's true, it just makes me wonder if I'll ever have a child, or even a wife. Seeing Mikayla again reminds me of _her_, and all the things I gave up for this war.

"Thanks. But how about you? How's life treating you?"

"It's okay. I'm just busy, and then there's this war, like you said."

"Hmmm."

We stand in silence for a few seconds, not knowing what to talk about. I look around trying to find anything to say. I notice an envelope in Mikayla's hand. "You're going to the post office?"

"Oh, yes. I need to owl this letter . . ." she pauses, as if thinking about something, and then seems to make up her mind. "It's for Jade . . . Jade Anderson."

Jade Anderson. The very person I was trying not to think about. That girl was something special; I can't believe it took me so long to realize it. I was only with her for a few months . . . I wish I had had more time with her.

"Maybe I shouldn't have brought her up," Mikayla says, though she doesn't look very remorseful.

"No, don't worry about it. Wow, Jade Anderson, do you talk to her?"

"No, we- we just write occasionally."

"Where is she now? How is she doing? What happened after all?" Now that she brought it up, I might as well find out how she is. Just to make sure that she's okay . . . or that's what I tell myself.

"Er, well, technically her name is now Jade Matson. She married Philip Matson, you remember him right?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course I do. So she married him? How is that going?"

"Well, they live in Italy and she has a baby girl."

"Hmm, I'm glad to hear it." I'm still a little shocked, but I'm glad she's happy, and safe. Matson apparently gave her the life I couldn't.

Mikayla bites her lip. "The thing is, she isn't happy, Sirius. Philip is never around, she stays home all day, and I think she's very depressed."

I don't believe it. She's supposed to be having the time of her life. She's supposed to be happily married and have children, and . . . well, be happy. I didn't leave her so she could be miserable. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I hate seeing her like this Sirius! I've told her to leave him, or at least to have them all move back here, but she refuses. I don't know what else to do. I hate that she's miserable."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"You know perfectly well that she was happy with you."

"Life isn't that simple, Mikayla. I can't very well march up to her house, curse Matson into oblivion, and make her happy."

"Sure you can, minus the cursing him into oblivion part."

"I won't take the child away from Philip."

"He doesn't care about either of them!"

"I can't be with her, Mikayla. You know that. That's why I ended it in the first place."

"Why not? Why can't you be with her?"

"I have things to do here, things I can't do with a family."

"The Order?"

"Yes."

"James and Lily are doing it with a family!"

"And look where they are now. Forced to go into hiding! She's better off wherever she is now."

"Sirius, please. At least visit her. Talk to her. She needs you."

"I can't, please understand that Mikayla. I left her for a reason."

"At least consider it, please. Here's her address, just in case."

She scribbles something on a slip of paper and hands it to me. I think about throwing it away, but for some reason I put it inside my pocket instead.

OoOoO

I don't know what possessed me to come to this decision. I mean, it was only yesterday that I saw Mikayla. But I have to see her. Just to make sure she's okay, nothing more. The last time I saw her, she hated me, I need to know that she understands now, and maybe I can help her somehow so she won't be miserable.

Or maybe I just want to see her because of this aching hole in my chest that hasn't quite gone away since I last saw her. Either way, I'm standing in front of her house right now, wondering if I should knock or leave. It vaguely reminds me of _that _day.

I force myself to knock on the door and stay put rather than run away which seems like a nice alternative right about now. I mean, really, what am I doing here? I shouldn't be here. This is only going to weaken my resolve, and I can't afford for that to happen. I _need_ to be alone for this. I'm _not_ James. I _can't _do this with a family.

Before I can leave, Jade opens the door. She looks as beautiful as ever. Age hasn't diminished her beauty; it has given her elegance. Her arms fall to her side and she simply stands there, staring at me as though she doesn't believe what she's seeing.

"Hi Jade, I hope you remember me," I say, even though I know she would never forget me.

"Sirius Black," she whispers. "I thought I would never see you again."

"Well, here I am," I whisper hoarsely. Seeing her again is harder than I thought it would be. A flood of memories fills my mind, and it takes all of my self-control not to stride up to her, take her face in my hands, and kiss her.

We stand in silence, drinking each other in until she finally speaks. "I'm sorry, I've been terribly rude. Come in."

I follow her inside and into the living room where we take a seat across from each other. I can't keep my eyes off of her, and from the way she's looking at me, I'd bet she feels the same way.

We sit in silence. Silence, again. Why is it that nothing comes out when there is so much to say? There are a million things I want to ask, but I don't know where to begin. "I saw Mikayla," I finally say.

She looks surprised. "Really?"

"Yes."

"Is that how you found out where I live?"

"Yes . . . Jade, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine, I-"

"Please don't lie to me Jade. Tell me how you're really doing."

Her face falls. "What did she tell you?"

"That you married Philip and you have a daughter," I partly lie.

"I'm fine Sirius. Let's just catch up. How have you been?"

I let it slide, for now. "Busy, but tell me, why did you marry him?"

She looks up to the ceiling and blinks a few times. I can see that she's close to tears. "Because he wanted me."

I long to go to her and hold her, let her know that I did want her, that I _still_ want her, but I force myself to stay seated across from her. "Jade, I didn't leave you because I didn't want you. You know I had to."

"I've had a lot of time to think about it," she says, trying to control her voice, "and I understand why you did it . . . It doesn't change the fact that you left me though."

"Can you forgive me?"

"I already have," she says, wiping her eyes.

The sound of a crying baby reaches us. "Excuse me, I'll be right back."

Jade rushes out into the hallway and through a door, and the crying stops instantly. She returns after a minute with a baby in her arms. "This is my daughter, Abby."

The girl has Jade's brown hair and green-blue eyes. Her skin is a little lighter, and her facial features aren't the same as her mother's, but she's still cute. "How old is she?"

"Eleven months and twenty-seven days. Her birthday is next week." The glow emanating from her shows me how much she loves the baby.

"That's great." There's still so much I want to know, but I don't know how to ask.

"It is."

"Did you know that James and Lily have a son? His name is Harry and he turned one in July," I blurt out.

"Really? That's wonderful! I didn't even know they were married!"

"You didn't? Hasn't Mikayla been keeping you updated?"

She looks down. "Er, no. I asked her not to. I didn't want to know anything about the life I left."

Here's my chance. "Why did you leave? Why did you move over here?"

She looks down at Abby who is asleep again. "You wanted me to be safe," she whispers. "Leaving was my best option. Philip is a muggle and I didn't want to have to try to keep us both alive so I asked him if we could move here after we married and he obliged."

"Why Italy?"

"Oh, I don't know. He chose it. I just wanted to leave the country," she sighs as she puts Abby down in a cradle-thing by the sofa. I don't think I'll ever learn all the names for baby stuff. I probably will never need to if this war carries on.

"Where is he now?"

"At work, I think. He doesn't spend much time here." She takes a seat again and puts a lock of hair behind her ear. I can tell she's avoiding my eyes.

"Why not? Doesn't he want to see you and Abby?"

"Not particularly. He did, at first. Then he found out that I'm a witch."

It pleases me that she's still open with me, but it's unbelievable that she hid that from her . . . husband. "You hadn't told him?"

"No, and I wasn't planning to either. The only reason he found out is because Abby is starting to show signs of magic."

"But you're his wife and that's his daughter. Does that mean nothing to him?"

She's crying by now. "I guess not. He was a good man, honestly. He was kind, and caring, and charming even after we married. We had Abby, and still everything was fine. He loved us. . . . but then he found out that I'm a witch. We don't even sleep together. He has a room on the other side of the house and he won't come near Abby."

I run a frustrated hand through my hair. "Jade, I let you go so you could be happy. It wasn't supposed to be this way."

"I would have been happy with you, Sirius. You took away my one chance for absolute bliss when you left, yet you expected me to go on. It was foolish."

"I still can't be with you. You'd be in terrible danger, and I would be around less than Philip would be. I'm not good for you," I tell her. It breaks my heart to say that, but it's the truth.

"Then why did you come?"

I pause. Why did I come? "I couldn't stay away." And the honesty in that nearly kills me. I couldn't stay away from her. I love her and I don't' want to lose her, again. But what choice do I have?

She sighs. "It doesn't matter now anyway, there's nothing I will do about it. I'm staying here whether I like it or not." She pauses, and tears start flowing out again. "I can bear this life, really, I can. I can live like this without too much of a problem. What I can't bear is giving this life to Abby. She deserves more than a father who dislikes her without even knowing her."

I make up my mind in an instant. "You deserve more too Jade, and I'll come back for you as soon as I can."

She shakes her head sadly, tears falling freely. "No, you can't. Philip may not be the best husband or father, but he provides for us. We're safe here. We have every material thing we could ever want . . . I won't leave him. He'll come around. I think he's just . . . hurt by how I kept this from him. Maybe one day I'll have the happy life you wanted for me, but I can't take Abby away from him. She's his flesh and blood."

I'll admit that the rejection hurts. I suppose I expected her to run into my arms and accept my offer. "You don't love him."

"Yes, and no. I don't love him the way I love you. I don't think I'll ever love anyone like that, but I do care for him. I do want what is best for him, and I would never do anything to hurt him. I've always said that people can learn to love anyone. It won't always be a passionate love, but it is love nonetheless. I don't get butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me, or even when he's around me, like I do with you, but I still love him enough to be faithful."

"You'll never be as happy as you could be with me." I know I'm pushing it, but I need to understand what would bring her to choose him over me.

"And I'm okay with that. You see Sirius, if life were a fairy tale, then I would leave Philip and run into your arms and we would live happily ever after- but it isn't. This is real. I committed to this marriage and I intend to keep my wedding vows. It hurts me to have to choose Philip because I love you more than you can imagine, but I love him too. Am I making any sense? I know I'm repeating myself, but I don't know how to explain it."

"You make perfect sense, and I understand."

"You're hurt."

"I won't lie, I am, but I'll be fine Jade. This is what I wanted for you after all."

"Yes, it is."

"Can we still be friends?" A desperate man's last hope. How pathetic I've become.

She bites her lip. "I don't think that would be wise. I still love you Sirius, and to keep in touch with you would make my decision to stay impossible."

"So this is it then? After I leave, I won't hear from you anymore?" I can practically hear my heart breaking.

She's crying again. "No, this is it."

"Don't cry, it's fine. You have everything you ever wanted Jade, please be happy."

"Sirius, can't you see that I wanted you? But it's simply too late now, you're four years too late," she sobs.

What do I say to that? I explained to her why I chose this path. Besides, aren't I the one suffering more than she is? She has a family, she has a man she loves, and what do I have? Nothing.

I try to picture life with her had I chosen another way, and it looks wonderful. I would be the one coming home to her, that would be my daughter sleeping, this would be our house. I could have walked away from the war and left my friends to fight it- but I didn't, because that isn't me. I know where I'm needed, and I was willing to give up my happiness for that cause. It isn't like I could have lived with myself had I abandoned everyone anyway.

I only had four choices, really. Run away from the war and take Jade with me, stay in the country and fight alongside one another, send her away and ask her to wait for me, or give her up so she could be safe and happy while I did what I had to do as a man. And of those three choices, the only one I could live with was the last.

So this is it. This is the way it had to be, because I would never run away from a fight, and she would never participate in it. Would she have fought alongside me? I have no doubt about it, but she would have been terrible. She's too gentle, too fragile. She isn't like Lily, or Alice. It isn't a bad thing, she's just different. Would she have waited for me? Again, no doubt about it, but I wouldn't let her. After all, who knows if I'll make it out alive? Who knows how long it will take?

Do I blame her for moving on? No, after all, that's what I wanted her to do, but it hurts. I suppose part of me was hoping that she would disregard everything I said, that she would wait for me regardless of the years that passed- but that isn't her. The thing with Jade is that she gives up easily. No is no to her, and she never insists, never pushes for what she wants. I told her I wouldn't let her fight, and she didn't push it. I told her I couldn't be with her, and she accepted it after a little arguing. Maybe I would have changed my mind had she come after me, had she insisted that she could handle the war, that she wasn't willing to give me up, but that isn't her. And so this is the end.

"I always thought you were too noble, too loyal, for your own good. You gave up our happiness to save other peoples' lives. I wish I could say I would be as selfless as you've been, but I'm not. I suppose that's why I was in Ravenclaw and not Gryffindor."

"Hmm." I want to say more but I don't trust my voice right now.

"It's a shame that it had to be this way."

"Yes, but there was no other way, and it's not enough to say I'm sorry for all of this, but I am."

"Don't apologize Sirius, you did what was best for everyone . . ."

Everyone but me. "I didn't lie when I said I would always love you Jade. Always."

"I love you too Sirius, and that's why I can't see you anymore." I stand as she walks over to me. She throws her arms around me and cries freely.

I don't cry because I can't breathe. This crushing pain is almost paralyzing. Knowing that this is the last time I will see her nearly kills me.

Death Eaters are _nothing_ compared to this.

After a long while, she pulls away, eyes dry. "I guess this is goodbye," I say hoarsely.

"Yes," she whispers, holding back more tears. If I weren't so devastated, I would take time to wonder how she can cry so much. Wouldn't she dehydrate?

"I should get going. I hope everything works out for you."

"Thank you. Sirius, please be safe. I know you, don't do anything reckless."

"Jade, don't worry about me. Promise you'll forget all about me."

"Impossible. I've worried about you everyday since I left. So promise me you won't be reckless."

"This is a reckless war."

She shakes her head sadly, giving up as always. "Okay then. Bye Sirius Black."

"Bye Jade Anderson." For some reason, I can't call her 'Jade Matson'. She's always been Jade Anderson to me, and the only other acceptable name is Jade Black, but that won't ever happen. So it's Jade Anderson then.

OoOoO

I get back a day later and decide to pay Worm a visit to make sure he's okay and take my mind off of things and all. It's the oddest thing when I reach his house. He's gone, and there's no sign of a struggle or anything, but something feels off. I don't know why I'm so on edge, but I don't like this. I jump on my motorbike and head to Prongs' place.

It's a disaster. There's a hole blasted into the roof of the house where Harry's bedroom is. Some lights downstairs are on, but other than that, it's dark. My headlights illuminate the front lawn, and I see Hagrid coming out with a bundle in his hands.

I can't help but still hope that I'm wrong about my suspicions, but seeing Hagrid bawling like that isn't helping my denial. "Hagrid-"

As he nears, I see his face is pale. "They're gone," he says. "James 'n Lily, gone."

I stagger backwards and steady myself against my motorbike. "A-are you sure?"

He nods, and puts an arm on my shoulder.

I don't believe it. Wormtail would never do that to us. Maybe they have him and somehow forced it out of him. I have to go save him!

Then two thoughts strike me. First of all, if they captured him, it means he gave up the information rather than die. Secondly, there was no sign of a struggle at his place. He went willingly.

He was the spy.

An uncontrollable rage fills me. My vision goes from clear to red, and all I can think about is finding that damned rat, Pettrigrew. He won't get away with this. I'll hunt him down myself and murder him. No, no. That isn't enough. I'll make him suffer. I'll kill him slowly.

Hagrid's voice brings me back to reality. "Y-you Know Who, he tried ter kill Harry too, but couldn't." He looks down at the bundle.

I look at him too. He's awake. His eyes are darting, alert. Tears stain his face, but he's quiet now. I don't let my thoughts wander to Prongs and Lily other than to remember that they named me his godfather.

"Give him here, Hagrid. I'll take him."

"Sorry Sirius, but I'm ter take 'im straight ter his aunt's house, Dumbledore's orders."

"I'm his godfather, Hagrid, I'll take care of him."

He shakes his head. "I can't, Dumbledore's orders."

I decide to drop the argument, for now. I have some business to take care of anyway. I'll go back for Harry after I'm done with Pettigrew. "Here Hagrid, take my motorbike. I won't need it," I tell him, handing him the keys.

"Are ye sure?"

"Yes."

"Thank you then."

I help him safely secure Harry and he takes off.

Now where would Pettigrew go? He knows I'll be looking for him, so he'll be in hiding. I'll just have to transform and track him.

OoOoO

I can't believe it happened like this. I can't believe things turned out this way. Of all the rotten luck.

But does it even matter anymore?

What else do I have to live for? I might as well keel over right now and die. I lost Jade, I lost Lily, I lost James . . . and I couldn't even avenge their deaths. The damned rat got away. Now look at the predicament he left me in.

How wrong we were when we thought that he was an idiot. He was as smart as we were. How else could he have thought about a way to lock me away for good? Not only will people think that I killed James and Lily, but now they'll think I blew up this street and killed that rat. Wonderful. Of all the rotten luck.

OoOoO

JADE POV

"Good morning Phil," I say as I walk into the kitchen. He's at the table, drinking tea and reading the muggle paper. It's our daily routine. I walk in, tell him good morning, and he ignores me. Except today, he responds.

"Good morning Jade."

I'm so shocked that I can't move. I stare at him until he points to the window. "I believe your paper is here."

This is the most interaction we've had in ages. I force myself to say something. "Er, thank you." I open the window and the owl flies in. I take the Daily Prophet and place a galleon in the sack tied to its leg. Long distance delivery costs much more. I open the paper after the owl flies away and read the first page.

Dizziness washes over me. I take a seat and put the paper down. I cannot believe what I just read.

"Jade, are you feeling well?" When I don't respond, he comes to me and reads the headline. "'Black Arrested for Murdering Thirteen People'. Black . . . isn't this that bloke you went out with a few years ago?"

I nod slowly. Sirius wouldn't have done this. I know him, he wouldn't do this. I pick up the paper and finish reading the article. I'm vaguely aware of Philip sitting next to me and reading over my shoulder.

"'We don't know why Black would do this,' Ministry spokesperson Jerold Harvey tells The Prophet. 'One theory is that he acted out of anger. We are told that he and the Potters were very close. Perhaps their death unhinged him and he let out his anger by destroying a street full of muggles'."

The Potters as in James and Lily? They're dead? And Sirius is in Azkaban for killing thirteen muggles? This is a joke. It has to be. This absolutely can't be true. Sirius would _never_ do that, and how could James and Lily be dead?

"Jade, please say something. Let me know you're okay."

If this were any other day, I would be overjoyed that Philip is showing interest in me, but today I can't focus on anything other than this. "Phil . . . I have to . . . I have to talk to Mikayla."

"Do you know these people or something?"

"Y-yes, the Potters were my friends. James and Sirius were practically brothers. None of this makes sense. I know Sirius, he would never do this. Ever. I need to talk to Mikayla."

"Well, I need to go to work, but if there's anything you need . . ."

Is he serious? I'm having a near breakdown and he doesn't see that I need him to stay here with me? That I need help with Abby just for today? But I force myself to calm down. This is a start. At least he's starting to come around.

As I'm about to tell him he can go, a thought strikes me. Maybe I could just ask him to stay, and he will. "Well, er, it would be nice, if, er, you could stay a little longer? Just until I get things sorted out? I understand if you can't, though."

He shakes his head, and I see something flicker in his eyes. I don't know what it is, but I think it might be pride. Maybe what he wanted all along was to feel needed. After all, isn't that what all men want?

"Of course. I'll just call in and tell them I can't make it today."

I throw my arms around him and cry freely. I'm know I'm being forward, but it means so much to me that he's willing to stay when I need him. "Thank you so much, you don't know how much this means to me."

He holds me tightly. This is the Philip I had married. "I'm sorry Jade."

"Me too." And that's all it takes. He finally came around a couple of days after Sirius' visit. The irony of it all.

"You should talk to Mikayla. I'm going to make a phone call and I'll be right back."

I nod and walk to the fireplace where I throw some floo powder into the fire and connect to her house. No one is around, from what I can see. "Mikayla!" I yell.

I hear hurried footsteps and then she's in front of me. "Jade! I suppose you've heard?"

Her eyes are red and I guess she's been crying. "So it's true then?"

"Let me come over for a second. Michael is with baby so I have some time."

I take my head out and wait for Mikayla to arrive. "Hi Philip," she says stiffly. I hadn't heard him enter the room.

"Hello Mikayla," he says easily, not at all shaken by her tone.

"Is it true then?" I ask Mikayla.

She nods. "You-Know-Who killed James and Lily. Harry survived, but no one knows how. They say that when You-Know-Who turned to kill Harry, the spell backfired or something and he died. Everyone is calling him The Boy Who Lived now. But he's gone Jade! They're catching all the Death Eaters and the war is over!"

"But James and Lily . . ." I feel the tears pooling at my eyes.

"I know," she cries a little, "it hurts. And poor Harry, he doesn't have anyone now. Both of his parents dead and Sirius locked away. No one knows where Harry is now, but Dumbledore is watching over him."

"So the thing about Sirius is true too?"

She stares at me, trying to read me I think. "Yes Jade. He's in Azkaban," she says a little sharply. She believes the Prophet.

Tears slip out. "But Kay, you know him. You know he wouldn't-"

"I don't know Jade. What they're saying is true, and they don't even know the whole story. He literally had nothing Jade. He had no family, he lost you-" she glances and Philip uncomfortably "-and then he lost his friends, and you now how close he was to James."

"But Kay, I know Sirius. Nothing would lead him to harm all of those people."

"I don't know what to tell you Jade. He killed Peter too."

"He wouldn't do that Mikayla! I know he wouldn't!" I'm near hysteria now.

No one says anything. "I need to see him," I say after I control myself and stop crying.

"Jade, why don't you talk to Remus first?" Kay suggests.

Remus . . . I forgot about him. "Do you know where he is?"

"Last night was a full moon," she says.

"Tomorrow then. Oh Mikayla, I know he didn't do it!"

"Talk to Remus. I have to go, but talk to Remus before you do anything."

"I will. Thank you. Bye"

"Don't think about it Jade. Just forget about it."

Like that's possible. Still, I nod. Once she's gone, I turn to Philip. "I'm really sorry about all of this," I tell him. I try to hold in my tears for his sake, but I can't stop the few tears that fall.

"But it's over. The war is over. No one is in danger anymore," I whisper. Philip doesn't understand any of this; it's something I'll have to explain to him later. Perhaps I don't understand the full gravity of it either since I ran away from the war. It was what Sirius asked me to do though, even though now I wish I hadn't. Never have I felt like such a coward.

OoOoO

The next day I go to Mikayla's after Philip leaves to work. I leave Abby with her while I visit Remus at his place. I haven't been able to sleep, or eat, or even really think since yesterday morning. I don't know what talking to Remus will do, but I need to do something. I feel so . . . helpless. I know Sirius is innocent, and I feel like I have to do something to get him out.

Remus is home, but he looks terrible. He tells me the entire story, picking up from where I left all the way to the end.

"Dumbledore had been informed that Voldemort was after them. I think he also suspected that there was a spy close to them because information kept leaking out. Obviously there were only three people close to James and Lily, so we were all extremely suspicious of each other. James and Lily went into hiding with the Fidelius Charm. Do you know how that works?"

"Yes." I remember writing a paper about it back in Hogwarts. It was for detention . . . with Sirius. He's everywhere. Everything reminds me of him.

"Right, well James chose Sirius as his Secret Keeper. They had only been in hiding for a week. _One week_, Jade, and he betrayed them. He sold them out to Voldemort." He slams his fist on the table.

This behaviour is not like him. He's always been rather calm. "Remus . . . you know Sirius wouldn't-"

"Do I Jade? Do I really know?"

"That's unfair-"

"No, what's unfair is Sirius betraying James! They were practically brothers and he handed them over to Voldemort with no remorse! He was the spy! And then he killed Peter! Innocent, weak Peter!"

"No, Sirius wouldn't do that. Peter had to be the real spy."

"All the evidence is against him, Jade. He was their Secret Keeper!"

"Remus, you know Sirius better than I do. You know he wouldn't do that." I don't know why it's so important to me that Remus believes Sirius is innocent, but it is.

"No Jade, I _thought_ I knew Sirius, but I obviously didn't."

There's no convincing him. "How would I go about visiting him in Azkaban?"

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I know he didn't do this."

"There's no point in going Jade. What will you do once you see him? Tell him you know he's innocent? You'll only hurt yourself more because there in no way anyone will believe either of you. At the end of the day, he'll still be in Azkaban- where he belongs- and you'll only be more hurt by having seen him. Just go back to your husband and your wonderful life."

His bitterness hurts me, and his words cut me, but I know he's right. What will I gain by going to see him? Absolutely nothing.

"Jade, I know you still love him," he tells me, his voice much softer now, "but he isn't the same person. Even Dumbledore gave testimony that he was the Secret Keeper. You can't ignore the facts. Don't let your love for him blind you."

"I'm not blinded Remus. I just know him enough to know he wouldn't do it. I'm more ready to believe it was Peter, or you."

"The evidence-"

"-may be wrong," I interrupt. "I'm not going to convince you and you aren't going to convince me, but I know it wasn't him Remus, and I'll stand by that as long as I live."

OoOoO

I've accepted that there's nothing I can do about anything. I know Remus thinks he's guilty, but for some reason, I don't believe him. Sirius would never do that, but there is no way I can prove otherwise. What I have to do is try to forget him, for my sake as much as Abby and Philip's. Maybe I'm giving up much too easily, but honestly, what can I do? Everything points to him. Remus was much too upset to have been the real spy, so I think it was Peter. I think he killed the muggles before Sirius killed him, but who knows? Or Remus did say that Peter is an animagus as well . . . maybe he blew everyone up and got away. I just don't understand why Sirius didn't do the same thing.

It's time I forgot all of this though, so it's time to move on. Philip and I are on good terms now. I don't want to ruin this for us. I need to forget. That's why it's best that we stay here even though the war is over. Italy is a beautiful place and Philip doesn't mind. The only thing I do want is to send Abby to Hogwarts when it's time. It's quite far, but it doesn't matter. I'm sure she'll have a wonderful time there, and it's the only place I would be comfortable sending her.

Maybe, just maybe, she'll meet Harry. Maybe they'll become friends. Maybe the time will come when he'll want to know about his parents, and Sirius, and I'll be able to tell him all about them. Or maybe none of that will happen. Maybe he'll hate Sirius, and hate me for loving him. Because no matter what I tell myself, I still love him. I'm just set on moving on and making the most of my life with Philip. He's a good man, and maybe I'll love him one day as much as I love Sirius. Maybe.

* * *

**So there it is. Love it? Hate it? Let me know. I was sad with this ending, but it sticks to canon for the most part. It's just so sad!**

**As always, thanks for reading and reviewing (I would add a smiley face, but it feels so morbid, no?)  
**


	11. Ending 2: Just Be Happy

Sorry for the delay! I was debating whether to post this or only leave the first ending. As you can see, I decided to post it. It was originally much longer so I cut out a lot. If anything doesn't make sense, I probably cut something out that would have explained it. So if you have questions, ask me and I'll get back to you.

So you can pretty much choose your own ending. One is more realistic but sad, and this one is still sad but not as much. Enjoy!

* * *

3 Years Later (March)

"You didn't tell me Sirius was going to be here!" I hiss at Lily.

"I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't come."

"Of course I wouldn't have!"

"Jade, it's been nearly three years. Does it really still bother you?"

Yes, of course it still bothers me. "No, I'm shocked, is all."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you but we miss having all of us together. So now that you're over the shock, let's get back- James will wonder where I've been."

"Very well, just give me a minute to compose myself. I'll be right out."

I look outside the kitchen window and sigh. James and Lily have been married for a little over two and a half years. She's also pregnant and due on August 2. Right now, we're at their house with a group of friends. It was supposed to be the old crowd: Remus, Peter, James, Lily, Mary, and me- but not Sirius. That's an unspoken rule; I don't go where Sirius is if I can help it. The Order is the only exception, but I hardly see him there anyway.

I take a deep breath and leave the kitchen. Everyone is at the table, including Sirius. I force my feet to move until I reach them. I notice Sirius staring intently at me; I make it a point to look anywhere but him.

I take my seat between Mary and Lily and across from Sirius. There is an awkward silence. I've spent years avoiding Sirius- and any conversation about him- and now here I am, face to face with him. This is bound to be awkward.

Soon enough, the others return to their own conversations. I can see that he is as uncomfortable as I am, but he plays it off easily. I take a drink from my glass.

"Is that an engagement ring?" he asks.

I flush. I forgot about that. "Yes."

He just raises an eyebrow, as if to say 'oh'. He has to be thinking something else. I hate that he hides his emotions so well. Is he at all upset over this? Does it bother him even a little? And didn't he know already? Why isn't he bothered by this? Does he not care anymore? I need to know what he's thinking.

"So when is the big day?" he asks, his expression blank.

My face is still burning. "September 23."

"Are you talking about her wedding?" Mary asks.

"Yes," he answers.

"Ah, yeah, they've been engaged for about five months."

The rest of the group joins the conversation.

"And if you think my wedding was big, than you should see her guest list. Last time we checked it was at six hundred!" Lily exclaims.

I laugh despite myself. It is true that my wedding list is huge, but most of the guests aren't mine.

Sirius stares at me curiously and I can see that he has a question on his mind. Luckily, he doesn't get a chance to voice it because everyone is still talking.

"That isn't even the worst part; her fiancé doesn't even know she's a witch yet," Peter chimes in.

"Mental isn't she? I told her to tell him ages ago but she refuses," James says. He isn't smiling like everyone else. Instead, he's studying Sirius' face, and he looks a little concerned, though he puts on a smile when he notices me watching him.

"If I were to marry a muggle I would let him know," Mary adds.

"Who is your fiancé?" Sirius asks me.

"Philip Matson," I say, wondering if he'll remember the name.

"Matson? From-"

"Yes," I cut him off. His face is inscrutable. "Now if you're all done prying in my personal life, I would like to eat dinner," I snap. This is not something I want to be discussing, especially not in front of Sirius. I'm not sure why it bothers me for him to know, but it does.

"We just want you to be happy Jade," Remus says soothingly.

"I know, and I am happy."

"Can you truly be happy even though the man you're going to marry doesn't really know you?" Sirius asks.

I glare at him. "He does know me."

"How can he when you've concealed something this important from him?" he counters. Does this mean it does bother him?

"What is it to you? This is my life, stay out of it," I say coldly.

He looks shocked that I would say such a thing, and I suppose I wouldn't have in the past, but I'm not the same person anymore. I'm stronger now, more outspoken. That's what war does to a person, so if he expects me to just listen to his remarks without responding, he's wrong.

He glowers at me for a second before giving his full attention to Mary. I'd be lying if I say I'm not jealous.

The rest of dinner passes slowly. I don't speak unless asked a question, and I dismiss myself as soon as I finish my meal. I have no desire to spend any time around Sirius.

I Apparate to the apartment I rent with Mikayla and Ashley and I see them both in the living room when I walk in.

I had planned to live with my parents until I married, but after joining the Order, I needed to move out. I refused to put my parents in danger; they can't defend themselves against magic. Mikayla wanted a taste of independence so she moved out with me. As for Ashley, I can't remember why she moved in with us, but it works out.

Neither of them is in the Order. They support what we do and, Mikayla as a Healer, helps us when we're injured, but that's as far as they'll go. I respect their decision though it frustrates me at times. Still, they're like sisters to me.

"Jade? What's wrong? Why are you so pale?" Mikayla asks.

I take a seat on the couch. "I saw him, he was there."

Ashley gasps. "You saw You-Know-Who?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I went to dinner with the old Gryffindor crowd, and Sirius was there. Sirius Black." I'm trying not to cry. I tell myself he isn't worth my tears, repeating it over and over again in my head.

"What happened?"

I lean back on the couch and stare at the ceiling. "Nothing, nothing happened. He noticed my engagement ring, and that brought on a lecture from everyone about not having told Philip that I'm a witch, and then we ate and I left."

"You still love him." It isn't a question.

"Yes," I force myself to admit.

"Then why are you marrying Philip?"

"Because _he_ left _me_. He didn't want me, and I had to move on. My father had been hinting for me to see Philip for ages, and I finally gave in. Philip is a good man, he will take care of me, and my parents approve."

"But you don't love him!"

"I can learn to love him."

"It isn't the same."

"No, it isn't, but it will make him and my parents happy."

"But will it make _you_ happy?"

"With time, yes. I'll grow to love him, we'll have a family, and we'll all live just dandy." It's funny how I can talk about my fate with such nonchalance.

Mikayla shakes her head. "You can wait until you find someone you love."

"I've made my choice, I don't want anyone else."

The doorbell rings and Ashley walks over to answer it. "What if Sirius wants you back?" Ashley asks after looking through the peephole.

"He wouldn't," I answer.

"Then why is he standing outside of our door?"

My jaw drops. "You're lying."

"No, I'm going to open it."

"I'm not here!" I jump up and bound to my room.

I close the door and lie on my bed in the dark, straining my ears to hear the conversation outside. Unfortunately, I can hear nothing except a light knock on my door a couple of minutes later.

"I know you're in there Jade, may I please come in?"

It's Sirius. I can't believe Mikayla and Ashley didn't cover for me!

I could always ignore him until he goes away . . .

He seems to read my mind. "Jade, I'm only asking to be polite."

I narrow my eyes. He wouldn't dare come in without permission.

Then he proves me wrong.

I sit up and cross my legs. "That is incredibly rude," I say icily as he turns on the light with a flick of his wand.

"No, what's rude is ignoring people." He's standing against the doorframe. I hate myself for observing how good he looks. "Now would you please join me on a stroll? We need to talk."

"At this hour?" Going with him will only bring trouble. I refuse to go.

He sighs as he walks over to my bed. "It's only about nine thirty." He holds his hand out to help me up. I take it.

How weak I am.

"Hey Ash, Kay, I'll be back in a bit. I'm going for a walk," I tell them as I walk out of the apartment.

"Don't stay out too late!" Kay calls before I close the door. I notice she and Ashley are smirking.

We start walking out of the apartment complex. "So why have you been avoiding me for the past three years?"

"I haven't been avoiding you," I lie.

"Oh no? Then why do you ignore me at Order meetings? And why do you only spend time with our friends when I'm not around?"

"I don't ignore you during Order meetings, I just talk to other people, and it isn't my fault that you're busy when I'm free."

"Stop making excuses and admit it Jade! You've been avoiding me."

I didn't really expect him to believe my lies. Besides, he still knows me well enough to know when I'm lying. I do the only thing I can do: stay silent.

When I don't say anything, he continues. "We were so close at one point, why can't we go back to the way things were?"

He doesn't understand. When something big happens, things will never be the same. They will be different, not the _same_. "We just can't," I mumble. I haven't so much as glanced at him since we started walking, and I force myself to keep it that way.

"It's been three years, Jade."

Technically, it'll be three years this summer. "I know."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." I don't know exactly what he's apologizing for and I don't know exactly what I'm forgiving him about. I suspect it's about him breaking up with me, but neither of us clarifies.

"If I had known-"

"Don't. Just stop. It happened, and I've moved on."

"Well then, do you think we can at least talk occasionally?"

"Sure," I say before I can stop myself. I realize this isn't a wise choice, but I don't want to stay away anymore.

"Great, how about we start today? We have a lot to catch up on."

"What do you want to know?" I ask wearily.

"There's so much . . . how's work? You're still with the Department of International Magical Cooperation right?"

"Yeah, and it's busy, to say the least. How about you? I heard you're an Auror now?"

"Yeah, I figured I would be more useful if I was trained to fight dark wizards and it would give me something to do after the war. It was easy except for Concealment and Disguise. I couldn't exactly change to my Animagus form, though that would have been easier, so I had to learn loads of spells and potions."

"Hmm, at least you made it. Auror training is strenuous, from what I've heard."

"It is." He pauses, looking perplexed. "Jade, you always told me you didn't want a wedding, and if you had to have one, than you just wanted close family and friends. What happened?"

He couldn't keep going with general questions, could he? He had to go for the personal stuff. "Philip and my parents, and his parents too, I imagine. They have appearances to keep up in the business world or something . . . it's ridiculous to tell you the truth, especially since my guests number eight at most."

"So why don't you tell him to cancel it and just make it the two of you?"

"Because he wants this and I don't have the heart to tell him I'm not looking forward to it at all. I hate large crowds. I don't even know most of those people."

"I'm sure you could compromise. You don't want a wedding, and he wants a big one, so meet half way and have a medium sized wedding, so to speak."

"I don't know," I shrug and change the subject. "It's my turn though." There are so many questions I want to ask, but I don't know where to begin. I choose the first that comes to mind. "Are you seeing anyone?"

"No, but Mr. Sanders tried to set me up with someone named Ileana. She works in the Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee with him and he reckoned she would be nice for me, but I politely declined. I wasn't interested."

I should have known. Mr. Sanders, Mikayla's dad, is fond of Sirius. I think he sees him as a son since he never had one. "Really? I don't think I've ever seen her there."

"Well, it isn't as if you socialize with anyone," he says wryly. "My turn. So how do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Keep this from your fiancé. What do you tell him when he asks where you work, where you went to school, who your friends are?"

"I lie. He thinks I'm a secretary and he's only met Mikayla and Ashley. I haven't told him about anyone else."

"I see."

"So, are you planning on settling down soon?" I ask, the question slipping before I can stop it. Why do I keep asking questions about his love life? I'm being too obvious!

"No, it isn't wise for me to be seeing anyone with this war going on. Besides, the only person I ever really considered is already taken."

Is he talking about me? Or is he just messing with my head?

"How about Philip, I remember in seventh year- when you first met him- you told me you had no romantic feelings for him. Do you really love him?"

This is getting too personal. "Yes."

"You're lying."

"No I'm not."

"Jade, it may have been three years but you haven't changed. I still know you, and I know when you're lying."

I don't know how to respond. "I should get back, Mikayla and Ashley will be worried."

To my astonishment, Sirius doesn't object. "I'll walk you."

We reach the door and Sirius bids me goodnight before leaving. I open the door and see Ashley and Mikayla waiting for the juicy gossip.

"So what happened?" Mikayla grins mischievously.

"Not much, we mostly talked."

"About what?" Ashley presses.

"The usual. Work, my wedding, Philip . . ." I trail off.

"And . . ." Kay prompts.

"I don't know, sometimes I think he still wants me, other times I'm sure he's moved on. I mean, why would he come here tonight if he didn't care? But maybe he just wants us to be friends again . . . ugh! Men are so frustrating!"

"Well, do you want him to want you?"

"No!" They look at me skeptically. "Maybe a little . . ."

"Ah Jade, I don't know what to tell you. Are you really going to try to be his friend again?"

"Yes," I mutter.

"Is that wise?" Mikayla asks.

"Kay, you're friends with Michael," I point out even though I know she's right. It's all about rationalization.

She and Michael ended shortly after school ended. I helped her through her heartbreak just like she helped me with mine after Sirius.

"Of course, but I don't think I was as close to him as you were- are- with Sirius."

"I think what Kay is trying to say is that if you're set on marrying Philip, than you should stay away from Sirius so you can get over him," Ashley clarifies.

"But-"

"Jade," Kay interrupts, holding her hands up to stop my objection. "Whatever you do, just be happy. You're always saying that this marriage will make others happy; I've never heard you say that it will make _you_ happy. We both want you to be happy. Happy, happy, happy," she singsongs.

Happy. Why is that so foreign to me?

OoOoO

(1st week of April)

Since that night when Sirius and I talked, we've spent more time _around_ each other. Not alone, never alone, but still in each other's company. It reminds me of how things were at school. Sirius and I friends again, nothing more. It's hard and easy at the same time. It's hard to be around him because of how I feel, but it's so easy to talk to him. It's so easy to be myself with him. I don't have to worry about something slipping out like I do with Philip. I find myself starting to look forward to those days with Sirius, and I have to make an effort to keep myself in check.

Work is more hectic than ever. Voldemort and his Death Eaters know how to cause chaos. Not only do we have to worry about them, we also have to be constantly on our guard, not knowing whom to trust. Spies are everywhere, especially within the Ministry. Our attempts at foreign relations are getting nowhere with all this domestic turmoil. A few of the powerful countries have each sent a handful of Aurors to help us, but most are afraid to help because of the retaliation. Everything is in disarray.

The next Order meeting is three weeks after the conversation with Sirius. I'm early but almost everyone is here already. I walk into the room and take a seat next to Gideon Prewett. Naturally, Sirius is sitting next to James, across from Fabian Prewett. Dorcas Meadowes is on my other side and Peter is next to James. Tonight is a full moon which explains Remus' absence.

Mary is absent as well, but that's by choice. She removed herself from the Order after Anna's murder two years ago.

"Hi," I greet everyone around me. They greet me in return.

"Glad you could make it Jade," Sirius says earnestly.

"How have you been, beautiful?" Gideon asks me flirtatiously.

I roll my eyes; Gideon is quite the lady's man. He knows I'm engaged but he still likes to flirt. He isn't serious about it, so I find it amusing. "I'm fine Gideon, how about you?"

"I've been better. So have you given my offer any consideration?"

Lily and I laugh. "You mean the one where she leaves Philip and marries you instead? Keep dreaming Gideon."

"Ah well, it was just a thought," he grins.

We turn our attention to Dumbledore who is now standing. The meeting has begun.

An hour and a half later, the meeting is over and most of the women, along with some of the men, are in tears. The Bones' were killed. I wondered why Edgar wasn't here. I notice I'm shaking. I'm visibly shaking.

Sirius sees me and reaches a hand over to mine. "I'll never let anything happen to you.

I whisper 'thank you', but I can't shake this fear in me. Things get worse before they get better, and it's only just begun. I get the feeling that the Bones' won't be the last to die.

"We're heading out now, be careful when you go home," James tells us. Lily is hanging on his arm, still in tears. She and the Bones' were friends.

"We will, I'm taking Jade home," Sirius says.

"I can make it home by my-"

"Don't argue Jade. If you don't want Sirius to take you then we will," Fabian warns. "You too Dorcas. You aren't going alone either."

"I wasn't planning to," she sighs. "Will you and Gideon please escort me?"

"Of course. Guess you're stuck with Sirius," he winks at me.

"Who's going to escort me?" Peter jokes.

We smile, not quite able to laugh. "You'll be just fine Worm," James tells him.

We're one of the first groups to leave, not that there are many groups to begin with. Sirius and I stop at the door to collect our coats. It's raining outside and the wind is crisp. I wrap my arms around myself to keep warm.

"Hold on to me tightly," Sirius calls over the wind.

I unwrap my arms and wrap them around Sirius' arm instead. He twirls on the spot and I feel the familiar, uncomfortable sensation of squeezing through a tight spot. When I open my eyes, we're in front of the apartment complex.

"I usually Apparate behind the complex, in case muggles are around," I inform him for future reference. . . even though there _won't_ be a next time.

"You mean the alley? That's hardly safe," he frowns.

"Statute of Secrecy," I mumble as I start walking up the stairs.

"During the day, sure, go ahead, but at night please Apparate in front. Muggles won't be out much after dark."

"You weren't kidding about keeping me safe."

"No, I wasn't, so please don't do anything stupid."

Whether I do anything stupid or not, they could still kill me. They could kill even the most careful one of us. They don't care that we have lives, people who care about us . . . they're heartless. "Who's going to be next Sirius? We already lost Anna . . . who is next?"

We stop walking half way up the steps and he wipes away the tear that is trailing down my cheek. "I can't promise that none of us will get hurt, but I can promise that I'll do my best to protect us all."

That's the most I can ask of him. That's the most anyone can ask of anyone. I nod, take a deep breath, and finish our ascent.

"Can I ask you something?" Sirius whispers to me.

What can he possibly want to know? "Sure, what is it?"

"I've asked you this before, but I want the truth. Do you love Philip?"

Again with this. Does he expect me to say no? "Yes, I do."

"You're lying again, Jade. You forget that I still know you well enough to know when you're lying."

"You don't know the first thing about me Sirius!" This can't be happening. It's the second time we talk alone and we're already fighting.

"Of course I do, Jade. I know that your favourite subject in school was Arithmancy. I know that your birthday is May 12. I know that you prefer autumn to the other seasons. I know dawn is your favorite time of day."

I stop walking and stare at him. How can he remember all of this?

He stares right back at me. "I know that you love to stare at the sky, night or day, and marvel at its vastness. I know that you're afraid of you or your loved ones dying, but you risk it all in hopes for a better a future . . . I know that you're a hopeless romantic who can't marry someone she doesn't love."

"What are you trying to prove?" I whisper.

"Just answer me this: does Philip know the little things about you?"

He's staring so intently, I can't look away. "No."

"Then don't marry him. You won't be happy, and he won't be happy if you aren't. Don't do this, please."

"What do you suggest I do? Leave him six months before the wedding? He'll be heartbroken!"

"He hardly knows you! How heartbroken can he be?"

I close my eyes. "It isn't that easy Sirius."

"Yes it is, just tell him the truth. Tell him you can't marry him because you love someone else."

I have no response. "It's late, I should get inside."

"I'll see you on Saturday then. Goodnight Jade."

Saturday. Three days away.

OoOoO

"Why would you follow me? I have a fiancé who wouldn't appreciate all this alone time we've been spending." We were at James' and Lily's spending some time with them, just the four of us. I had to leave so I excused myself and just as I was about to Disapparate, Sirius appears next to me!

"He isn't here for you Jade, and I wasn't going to leave you alone. Even if these times weren't dangerous, I still would have followed you because I . . . I care about you."

For a second I thought he was going to say he loves me. "He would be here if he could, but he can't."

"That's exactly what I mean! Do you honestly expect to marry him and still keep him in the dark about your life? I don't think you love him Jade. Actually, I _know_ you don't love him."

"Of course I do!"

"No, you don't. When you love someone, you share everything with that person, including the fact that you're a witch."

"That's not true. I can love him without letting him know about the wizarding world."

"Why all the secrecy then? With this war going on, how long do you expect to keep him in the dark?"

"I'm trying to protect him!"

"You're doing him more harm than good! You're part of the Order, Jade! The Death Eaters are after us just as much as muggles, and if they find out that you have a muggle fiancé, then you can bet that they'll be after him! How do you expect him to keep safe when he doesn't even know he's in danger?"

I loathe Sirius right now. I loathe that he's right. He stares at me waiting for an answer I don't have, so I glare at him. A good twenty seconds pass before he sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

"Let me take you home."

"I'm twenty-one years old, Sirius. I'm perfectly capable of Apparating to my apartment alone," I snap.

"I don't doubt that you are. All the same, I'd feel more at ease if I'm sure you're safe."

It finally dawns on me. "You're thinking about Edgar and his family's murder."

"The entire Bones family was murdered Jade, and only Edgar was in the Order. The Death Eaters are getting more brutal with each passing day. Do you know that we haven't heard from Caradoc for over a month? Dorcas is in hiding because rumour has it that Voldemort is after her and we found pieces of Benjy Fenwick last week. I don't want to see anyone else killed, especially not the people I love."

I take his arm and we Apparate together. We walk in silence up the three flights of stairs. We reach the landing and I see Philip at my door. Beside me, Sirius pulls out his wand. I remember that as much as he's heard about Philip, he's never seen him before.

"Put that away," I hiss as I pull him along. "It's Philip." Oh, what is he doing here? Of all the days to surprise me . . .

Sirius hides his wand quickly in his robes. "So that's Philip . . . not much of a competition," he shrugs.

How arrogant. Phil may not be as handsome as Sirius, but they're in the same league. I'm sure some women would choose Phil over Sirius.

"What are we going to tell him?" he asks as we near him.

"Just let me do the talking."

Philip turns at the sound of our footsteps and eyes Sirius suspiciously. "There you are Jade!" Then his eyes travel to Sirius. "Who's your friend?"

I force a smile. "Oh, this is Sirius Black, Sirius this is Philip Matson."

Sirius' cold expression is rivaled by Philip's stony glare. Philip grabs me around the waist so I'm standing next to him. "I'm her fiancé, how do you two know each other?"

"I'm her ex boyfriend," Sirius says haughtily.

I groan. "I went to visit some friends and they didn't want me to come home alone because it was late so they made Sirius accompany me."

I shoot Sirius a look warning him to keep his mouth shut. Hopefully Philip will just take it as it is and not ask anymore questions. Better yet, maybe he won't mind that Sirius is with me, but that's asking a bit much.

"How nice," Philip mutters.

"Yeah, that's me, always the gentleman. Now if you'll excuse me, I would like to have a word with Ashley and Mikayla." Sirius walks past us and opens the door. Great, now I'm deeper in.

"How does he know the girls?" Philip asks.

"We all know each other from school. He went to an all boys' school that would have activities with us." Luckily, I had been thinking of an answer to that in case it came up.

"I suppose that's when you were seeing him?"

"Yes." He doesn't need to know how close we were.

"When did you end it?"

What is this? The Spanish Inquisition? "Not long after we left school, and why do you assume that_ I_ ended it?"

"He still wants you, so obviously you ended it. I don't want you around him anymore if you can help it, please Jade."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. He does not still want me, I didn't end it, and I don't want to stop talking to him. However, Philip is my fiancé; I should respect his wishes. He said he doesn't want me around him _if I can help it_. "Of course, you're right," I whisper.

"Thank you, I appreciate it."

I'm not in the mood to talk to Philip right now, not because I don't like him but because he wouldn't understand. People are dying almost daily and I'm terrified. Every time I close my eyes, I wonder if I'll live to see the sun the next morning. Every time I leave the apartment, I wonder if I'll be welcomed back with the Dark Mark hovering over the building signaling the deaths of those I care for. Every time I see James and Lily, I wonder if I'll be alive long enough to enjoy a happy marriage.

Philip can't even begin to fathom how weary I am, inside and out. It's my fault for keeping everything from him, but even if I told him he wouldn't understand like Sirius does. I need space. "Phil, I'm exhausted. If you don't mind, I'm going to sleep right now. I'm sorry."

"No, don't worry about it, it's late anyway. Black isn't going to stay, is he?"

"No, I reckon he just wanted to catch up with Ashley and Mikayla. He should be leaving soon."

"Oh, okay, well have a good night and I love you." He gives me a goodbye kiss.

"Love you too," I return as he leaves.

I walk into the apartment and find Sirius sitting on the sofa. Mikayla and Ashley are nowhere to be seen. They probably went to bed already which is all very well since I have few things to say to Sirius.

"Why would you do that?" I ask him angrily.

He looks puzzled. "Do what?"

"'I'm her ex boyfriend'," I mimic.

"Oh, that. Did you hear _him_? He was trying to claim you!"

"He has every right to, Sirius! I'm his fiancée! I _am_ his!"

"You aren't his until after the wedding, but that's beside the point. The point is that I don't like him Jade! Why would you choose that prick? Why would you choose anyone?"

"You told me to."

"I also told you I didn't want you fighting, and here you are! Besides, I thought that what we had meant something to you! I didn't think you would start seeing someone else three months later! _Three_ months! And then engaged a year and a half after that? James told me," he says in response to my astonished face. "You moved on quickly." He walks out of the apartment. I feel as if I've been stunned, but I regain motion enough to follow him out.

"Just you wait one minute Sirius Black! _You_ left _me_ and now you're criticizing me for moving on?" I call after him. He stops walking so I continue until I reach him. "How unfair is that? I couldn't stand around twiddling my thumbs until you came around Sirius! There's a war going on! I didn't know if I would be alive by the time you were ready, I needed to start my life!"

"You're marrying him for the sake of having a family?" he accuses.

"I'm marrying him because he loves me, because my parents want this for me, and because he's a good man. I'm doing exactly what you told me to."

"You were supposed to leave the danger, not participate in it!" He runs a hand through his hair and takes a steadying breath. "That was the whole point of me letting you go. But now that you've stayed, and you're still in my life, I can't stand seeing you with someone else. Especially when I know you don't love him."

"Love is a commitment, not an emotion. Emotions come and go, love is forever." I wanted to hold back my tears but I fail. These arguments with Sirius are draining. I want to give in to him, but I can't. I simply can't.

"You're right," he whispers, nearing me. "Love is forever. You frustrate me, but I can't help how I feel about you-"

"Don't Sirius, please." If he says the words, I don't know what I'll do.

"Why would you enter into a passionless marriage when you can have both love and passion?"

"You had your chance Sirius. I can't leave Phil."

"Yes you can Jade. You're free to do as you please."

"Let me rephrase. I _won't_ leave Phil. I _won't_ hurt him."

He pauses for a second. "I'll leave after this. Think about it Jade, wouldn't Philip be more hurt if you're with him even though your heart isn't, than if you broke off the engagement?"

Sirius leaves without another word. I stare after him, momentarily dumbfounded. I return to my senses and run after him. He can't have the last sensible words.

I catch up to him outside of the building and yell through the rain. "You left me Sirius! _You_ hurt _me_, and now you expect me to go running back to you? You once called me a fool for wanting to go back to Brad. How is this any different?"

He turns to face me with his piercing gaze. "It's different because I didn't leave you for someone else! It's different because I wasn't confused. It's different because I never stopped loving you! You always had my whole heart, Jade! Always. That's why I couldn't put your life on the line because of the path I chose. I wanted you to live your life without any of this, and choose a man who could give you what I can't. Believe me when I say that this is completely different."

I watch him Disapparate before walking back to the apartment. I go through my nightly routine deep in thought.

'_Think about it Jade, wouldn't Phil be more hurt if you're with him even though your heart isn't, than if you broke off the engagement?'_

That's exactly what Bradley Carr had done. I never forgot his words.

'_I'm so sorry Jade, I'm so sorry. This isn't fair to you at all but I reckon it's better than being with someone who can't offer you his whole heart. I'm really sorry.'_

I've thought a lot about his reasoning since it happened, mostly because I'm grateful. It hurt so much when it first happened, but I've concluded that he was right. I want someone who will love me with all of his heart, not part of it while the other part pines for someone else.

Would Philip feel the same? But I can learn to love him, and I'll forget all about Sirius eventually.

_You avoided all contact with him for three years and you still haven't forgotten him. What makes you think a few more years will change that?_

The fact that I'm determined.

_What do you think Philip would want? And how do you think he'll feel about you after he finds out this web of lies you've spun?_

I don't know.

OoOoOoO

(Early August)

"He's so adorable!" Ashley croons at the baby in her arms.

"He has your eyes," I whisper.

"But other than that he looks exactly like you, Prongs," Sirius laughs, clapping his friend on the back.

I can't take my eyes off the newborn baby, Harry. He is so adorable. He was born on July 31, I think.

"You want to hold him?" Ashley asks me.

"Yeah," I nod.

She hands me Harry and I cradle him in my arms. He's very calm, not fussy at all. I feel Sirius come up behind me and peek over my shoulder. "You're a natural," he whispers in my ear.

"I've always wanted a baby," I tell him.

"It's a good thing you're getting married soon then," he mutters.

I don't have an answer for this, so I stay quiet. It's been a few months since our last 'fight' and we've had an uneasy peace about us. Every now and then he'll make remarks like now, but I usually don't respond. I look at Harry for a distraction, and his piercing green eyes stare back at me curiously.

A flash turns our attention to Marlene who is holding a camera. "Sorry! You three looked like a family and I couldn't pass up the opportunity."

Sirius and I step away from each other immediately and I hand Harry to Lily.

Gideon wraps his arm around me. "Black, mate, you have got to stop trying to steal my woman," he laughs, effectively breaking the awkwardness.

"Well, _your woman_ needs to get back home. Mikayla is sick and she might need something," I say, needing to get away.

"She's right," Ashley says. "We really should get going. We've been here for over two hours."

"Ah my love, you're always trying to get away from me. How you break my heart," Gideon tells me.

I roll my eyes and say bye to the others. Ashley does the same thing. I'm about to Apparate home when Lily stops me.

"Wait, you two aren't going alone, are you?"

"Yeah, there are two of us, we'll be fine," I say.

"No, Lily's right, one of the men should go with you," James says.

"We'll be fine," Ashley insists.

James ignores our protests. "Padfoot, go with them will you?"

"Of course," Sirius says.

"Fine, let's just go," I say, my patience running thin. The three of us Apparate at the same time and within seconds, we're outside of the complex.

The first thing I notice when I open my eyes is the eerie green glow of the sky. I look up to find the cause and see the Dark Mark- hovering directly over where I live.

My eyes automatically find my door. It's open and I can see people moving in and out. The Death Eaters don't linger after sending the Mark in the air. That means the Ministry is here.

Ashley shrieks and breaks out into sobs. "Oh no, oh no, oh no! Please let Mikayla be okay, please let her be okay!"

Her knees buckle beneath her but Sirius catches her before she hits the ground. I, on the other hand, can't move. I'm rooted to the spot, motionless and speechless. My thoughts are hazy. I see what's going on, but I can't process it. I see the Dark Mark, I see the Ministry wizards, and I see Ashley crying in Sirius' arms, but I can't bring myself to make the obvious conclusion.

I hear someone call my name from a distance, then again, only closer this time. "Jade!"

_Oh, it's Sirius._

I try to turn to him but I can't. He releases Ashley- once he's sure she won't fall- and stands in front of me. He places his hands on either of my shoulders and repeats my name. I open my mouth to tell him I hear him, but nothing comes out. I frown and try again.

He doesn't wait for a reply. He takes my hand and hauls me along behind him to the apartment. I keep tripping over my feet and nearly fall once or twice but Sirius' hand prevents that. Ashley, perfectly capable of walking without assistance, trails behind us.

When we reach the apartment, a wizard with short gray hair stops us. "You aren't allowed beyond this point."

"W-we live here," Ashley tells him.

He pulls out a pad from his robes. "Names?"

"Ashley Broomfield and J-jade Anderson," she answers for us.

"And you are?" he asks Sirius.

Sirius pulls out a badge. "Auror Sirius Black."

"Very well. I still can't allow you ladies to enter, but Mr. Black may if he wishes."

"Could you just tell us what happened?"

The wizard sighs heavily. He begins to explain, but I tune it out. I catch the words 'murder' and 'Avada Kedavra' so I know the gist of it. Ashley resumes her weeping and Sirius holds her, though I feel his eyes boring into the side of my head. He must be wondering what I'm thinking, but even _I_ don't know what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking of something but nothing at the same time. I'm trying to grasp what is happening, but it's as if my mind won't let me. How bizarre.

I don't remember much of anything after that. I know Sirius takes us to his place, and Ashley takes the spare bedroom leaving me with Sirius' room. That's where I wake up the next morning. One glance at the glass doors tells me that it's dawn.

Dawn.

I stumble over to the double doors in Sirius' room, unlock them, step out onto the balcony, and lean against the stone railing. I marvel at the soft hues of blues fading into pinks and oranges to welcome the sun. It's breathtaking; a reminder that night doesn't last forever.

"Exquisite isn't it?"

I start at the sound of Sirius' voice behind me. "You scared me. I didn't hear you coming."

"I told you I passed my stealth test," he smiles. "In all fairness, you scared me too."

"How?"

"I heard the door open and I worried that it might be someone breaking in."

That's very considerate of him. "Thanks for taking care of me."

"I told you I would never let anything happen to you." His intense gaze makes me uncomfortable.

"Do you have tea here?" I really don't care for any, but I needed an excuse to get away.

"I'll make us some, follow me." We walk to the kitchen and I take a seat at the table while Sirius makes it.

He brings two mugs to the table and sits across from me. "I'm worried about you Jade. This reaction is . . . not like you."

I think he expected me to cry as I usually do, but I can't. I take a sip of tea and talk. "Did you know that I met Mikayla when we were four?"

"Jade-"

"We had just moved into the neighborhood and I was playing outside. She came up to me and introduced herself. That was her style, very friendly and outgoing; she wasn't shy around new people. We were like sisters."

Sirius reaches for my hand and I look up at him. "She's gone, isn't she?" I ask.

He nods sadly. At this moment, I see how strained Sirius truly is. Here, in the warm glow of the light, his confident and strong pretense fades. It's more than I can handle now. I'm used having Sirius as my stronghold; it hurts me to see that he's as broken about this war as I am. I need to run. I need an escape. This is all too much.

I start walking out of the kitchen when I run into Ashley. She looks awful; her eyes are bloodshot and her hair is chaotic. I can only imagine how I must look- though I doubt my eyes are bloodshot since I haven't shed a tear.

How odd that I haven't cried.

"Feeling any better?" I ask faintly.

"No," she answers in a quavering voice, "you?"

She's probably wondering why I seem so calm. "I'm not sure. This is all . . . surreal." I can't explain it to her; I can't even explain it to myself. I know Mikayla is gone, but it isn't real. I feel as if I'm dreaming. Everything that has happened since last night is a dream.

"I know what you mean; I can't believe she's dead. She's never coming back."

Ashley breaks down. I put an arm around her and lead her to a chair. She puts her head in her hands and Sirius looks at me helplessly.

"Is she okay?" he mouths.

I shrug and walk to the living room. I can't be around her right now. I have nothing against her, it just makes it more real when she cries. Sirius is good at comforting people. He can handle it on his own.

This is the weirdest feeling. It's like . . . I know the truth, but it hasn't hit me yet. I can't grasp that she's gone. My mind isn't broad enough to take it in or something. I feel very . . . confused and slow.

"Jade, can you come in here please?" I hear Sirius call.

I grudgingly join them in the kitchen.

"Ashley wants to talk to us. Take a seat."

I take a seat next to Ashley and she begins.

"I've been thinking about what I'm going to do next, and I've decided to move back in with my parents. You're more than welcome to come if you want to, Jade."

I sigh. She's moving back to Germany, with her parents. "Thank you, but I can't leave. I have my life here; my parents, Philip, my friends . . ."

"I'm really sorry. I wish I could stay but . . . I'm tired of seeing everyone I care about die," she sobs.

"Don't be sorry Ash, I would do the same thing if I could. Go with your parents, they need you," I tell her.

"What about you? Are you going back with your parents?"

I shake my head. "They'll be in danger as long as I'm with them. They can't protect themselves against magic. I haven't thought much about where I'm going."

"Stay here then. I have an extra bedroom," Sirius offers.

"I can't, Philip wouldn't appreciate that."

"Are you kidding Jade?" Ashley asks hysterically. "You'll be safe here, who cares what Philip thinks? He can't protect you from the Death Eaters!"

"My parents wouldn't approve either."

Sirius rolls his eyes but it's Ashley who responds.

"Jade, I don't want you to end up-" she stops and changes her sentence, "you can't live alone, please."

"If you don't feel comfortable staying with me, then I'm sure James and Lily will take you in," he says.

"They're married, that would be awkward."

"How about Remus or Peter?" I see the corners of his mouth twitch.

"You know perfectly well that I can't stay with Remus. And Peter? Really Sirius?"

"How about Dorcas?" Ashley suggests.

"She's staying with Gideon and Fabian," Sirius answers.

"Jade, there's no where else to go and I won't let you live alone. Please stay here," Sirius says.

"We'll discuss it later. When are you leaving Ash?"

"This afternoon."

"Oh." I turn to Sirius. "I need to get my clothes and a few other things from the apartment."

"I'll go with you."

"I'll go too," Ashley says.

Ten minutes later, we're back at the apartment. Ashley goes straight to business, collecting the things she wants to keep and avoiding Mikayla's room. I don't move. It's eerie, being here. I look around and everything looks normal, untouched. If I didn't know any better, I would think that nothing had happened. There are still cups on the coffee table, the sink still has a few dirty dishes, and the book I was reading two days ago is still on the couch.

I walk to Mikayla's room and open the door. Nothing out of the ordinary. Her bed is unmade, as usual, and there's an outfit hanging over her desk chair. Her work clothes for the next day- today. Being here brings the reality of everything crashing down. I fall to my knees and for the first time since Mikayla died, I cry.

Sirius is suddenly crouched next to me. "I was wondering when this would happen," he mutters as he leads me to my room. "You had me anxious with your calmness."

It hits me that I'm never going to see her again. Never again will we stay up all night talking and gossiping. No more girls' night out. We'll never help each other through heartbreaks. She won't be my maid of honor.

"Th-they k-killed her," I sob. "Sh-she's d-dead."

Like so many times before, Sirius holds me while I cry. I force myself to stop after a few minutes, and when I'm somewhat composed, I speak again. "All last night, part of me expected to come back here and see Mikayla again. I knew she was dead, but . . . it wasn't real in my head. Now it is."

I don't wait for a response. I stand, flick my wand, and mutter "pack". Clothes fly from the closet and the drawers and into my open trunk. After everything is inside, Sirius closes the lid.

He waves his wand and the trunk levitates. He leads it out, leaving me to collect pictures and other random things. Once I'm finished, I join them in the living room. "I'm ready to go."

We load everything into my car and drive back to Sirius' place. Once inside, I shower and change. By the time I finish, it's only half past ten. "I'm going to the Sanders' house," I announce quietly.

Sirius and Ashley stare at me. "I-I'll go with you," Ashley finally says.

Sirius stands. "I will too."

"Okay, er, let's get going then."

Visiting Mikayla's parents is difficult. I cry through almost the entire thing, a stark contrast to how I was yesterday. They don't cry, their eyes are just teary, and I can see the deep sorrow beneath them. I hate that they don't blame me for it when it was clearly my fault. This wouldn't have happened if I weren't in the Order. But instead of blaming me, they tell me to keep fighting. It's so painful.

After we leave their house, I check on my parents, and then I get lectured about having stayed with Sirius. My father demands that I move back in with them, but Sirius' offer is alluring. He would protect me, whereas at my parent's house, I would have to protect them. I don't want them to be killed too.

Philip stops by, but he leaves after a short while because he has a business meeting. It would have been nice if he stayed with me, but I understand.

Once we arrive back at Sirius' house, I fling myself on the couch. Sirius and Ashley join me.

"You're really going back with your parents?" she asks me.

"It's isn't as if I have any other choice. Who knows what Philip would do if he found out I was staying here."

Sirius mumbles something that sounds like, "Yes, because Philip cares so much about you."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask angrily.

"Isn't it obvious Jade? The bloke left you because he had to work. He couldn't cancel when you needed him."

"It isn't his fault. He's a very busy person." I don't know why I'm defending Philip when I had the same complaint. I just don't want Sirius to be right about why I shouldn't marry him.

"Come on Jade, Sirius has a point," Ashley says. "Besides, you'll be safe here. Remember what Mr. Sanders said? He said it would be more dangerous for you to go back home because you would have to worry not only about protecting yourself but your parents as well. Don't go back."

"I can't go with you and it's wrong to stay with Sirius. I'm engaged."

"Just because you live in the same place doesn't mean you'll do anything wrong!" Ashley insists.

Oh how wrong she is. She doesn't understand that the temptation will be there. There's already so much tension between the two of us, and when we're alone it only intensifies. I'm not strong enough not to give in. I would be asking for trouble if I move in with him. I can't explain this to her though, because Sirius would hear me admit that I still want him.

"I refuse to be like Tiffany," I say, hoping that she understands what I can't explain.

"You aren't," Sirius says. "You've never once flirted with me. On the contrary, you run away when we're too close."

"I need to think about it. Let's just get you to the airport right now," I tell her.

"Okay, but just . . . choose wisely. And thanks for driving me to the airport. The floo channels aren't safe right now."

"Sure thing," I say, helping her carry her bags to the car while Sirius takes the heavy suitcases.

We drive mostly in silence, each enveloped in our own thoughts. We reach the airport just as her plane is scheduled to leave so we make a run for it. Our good-byes are rushed.

"This isn't good bye," she tells us. "I'll owl you as soon as I get home."

I hug her and then she's gone. I stare after her for a while, sad to see her go. First Mikayla, now her. I've never felt so alone.

"Jade, we should get going," Sirius tells me, snapping me out of my daze.

"Right," I say, following him mindlessly. The drive home is very much the same as the drive over there, except I feel his eyes on me, examining me. We don't talk though.

We reach his place around half past five. "Have you decided yet?" he asks me.

I sigh. I did think about it on the drive over here, and I decided that I'm going to follow Mikayla's advice: just be happy. I'm going to stop trying to please everyone else, I'm going to do what's best for me, what's safest for me. "Yeah, and er, I'll take you up on your offer."

He looks relieved. "Thank Merlin, you see reason."

"Yeah, but we need to discuss some things."

"Like?"

"Well, like rent-"

"Don't worry about that, I have it covered."

"Sirius-"

"Jade, I've been living here for years now and I've managed perfectly fine on my own."

"All the same, I'd feel better if I helped out."

"It isn't necessary."

"Please?"

I can see he's frustrated. "Fine, if you want to help, you can keep the kitchen stocked with food."

"That's hardly equal. Rent is much more than food."

He shakes his head. "That's my only offer."

"Fine, fine."

"Good. So the guest bedroom is yours now, you're free to change it however you wish."

"Thank you."

"I know this is a little awkward, but this is your home now too. Help yourself to whatever you want."

"Thank you Sirius, I really do appreciate all of this."

"No problem."

"Er, well it's been a long day so I'm going to bed. Goodnight . . . or, er, good afternoon or whatever."

I reach the guest bedroom- or my bedroom now- and fall asleep right away. The next thing I remember is a voice calling my name and someone gently shaking me. I open my eye and Sirius' blurry outline is before me. I roll over onto my side and close my eyes.

"Jade, Lily and James want to see you before they go," he tells me.

That wakes me up. I sit up and look out of the window. It's dark outside which means it's late- or early. "How long have they been here?"

"A couple of hours. Come on, they're in the sitting room."

I step out of bed and hurry out. Lily and James are on the couch with Harry. When she sees me, she hands Harry to James and embraces me.

"I'm so sorry Jade. I can't believe Mikayla is gone. I wasn't very close to her, but she was always the sweetest person to everyone around her. How are you doing?" she asks me, finally pulling away.

I take a seat next to Sirius- it was the only open place left- and look down at my hands. "I'm fine. Just very tired."

"Merlin, I can't even imagine what you're feeling. It would probably be like me losing Padfoot," James mutters.

"Probably," I manage to whisper.

"We just wanted to see you before we left Jade. If you need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask us, okay?" Lily tells me.

"Thank you, I appreciate that."

"And if Padfoot starts getting on your nerves, call me and I'll take care of him," James tells me.

I smile. "Thank you."

"Take care, we'll come back soon I hope." Lily, James, and Harry leave.

I take a seat on the couch again and stare at my hands. I think it makes it worse when people talk about it. A single tear falls onto my hands and I feel Sirius sit next to me and pull me into a hug. Neither of us says a word, but his strong arms around me tell me everything I need to know. I don't know how long we sit like that, but I feel myself drooping

I wake up the next morning and find myself in a strange room. The walls are white, there's a large window with white blinds to my right, and the bed is large and fluffy. It isn't my room.

Then I remember I'm in Sirius' house. The last thing I remember was being on the couch with Sirius. How did I end up here? I glance once more around the room. I'm going to have to paint it.

I walk to the kitchen and see that Sirius is already there, dressed, reading the paper, and drinking tea. "I didn't think you would be up this early," Sirius tells me.

"I usually wake up at this time," I tell him.

"Right. Well, there's food in the refrigerator and the cabinets. Do you want me to stay with you today?"

"No, it's fine. You already missed yesterday. I'll be fine. I'm going back to work tomorrow anyway, one day alone won't kill me."

"You're going back to work tomorrow?"

"Yeah, moping around isn't going to do me any good."

"I suppose you're right . . . are you sure you don't want me to stay with you today?"

"I'm sure. You need to go to work. They're short on Aurors as it is. I'll be fine."

"Okay, but if you need anything, or if something happens, or even if you just get lonely, floo me or something okay?"

"I will." He is so thoughtful, so caring. Philip doesn't quite measure up. He's a good man, but he's too busy to pay much attention to me. So why would I marry him instead of Sirius?

OoOoO

(Late August)

I take a sip of tea and answer Lily's question. "Living with Sirius? Oh, it's fine. I feel very safe there when Sirius is around. It's a nice feeling. I can almost relax at times, knowing that he's around. When I'm with Philip, I'm on edge because I know I would have to defend him and myself in case of an attack. But with Sirius . . . it's the complete opposite. If anything, _he_ would protect _me_."

"I know what you mean. That's exactly how I feel with James."

"Yeah . . ."

"Look Jade, I'm not going to tease you like we did back in seventh year, but I do want to hear the truth. How do you feel about Sirius?"

"Lily-"

"It's a simple question."

I sigh. "Same as always Lily."

"Then why don't you tell him? You know how he feels; it's you that's holding both of you back."

"Don't start with this, please."

"I can't watch both of you so miserable when it's so easily solved."

"He did this, Lily. He did this."

"So he messed up, big deal. Forgive him Jade. Don't hold it against him, forgive him instead and move on."

"No, why should I give him another chance when he did this to us?"

"It's not healthy for you to be bitter."

"I'm not bitter," I scoff.

"Yes you are; that's why you can't forgive him. He hurt you, and now you want to make him pay for it by not giving him another chance, even though that's exactly what you want."

"Rubbish, I just don't want to get hurt again."

"That may be part of it, but I think that deep down you know that he wouldn't hurt you again. You're just not willing to let go of the past. But anyway, Sirius likes that you're staying with him too."

"How do you know?"

"He stopped by the other day to talk. He likes knowing that you're safe."

"Well, it's good to know that I'm not a burden to him."

"You would never be a burden to him. He loves you too much to ever think of you that way, but I'm sure you already know that."

"How's Harry?" I ask her, not wanting to stay on this subject.

"He's like all babies, cries in the middle of the night, eats every other minute, and so on. It's tiring, but he means the world to me. I would do anything for him."

"How old is he now?"

"Almost three weeks. I want to have another baby when he's about a year and a half. James wants three or four, but I think two is fine, three at most."

"I think two is too lonely. Being an only child was great, but I would have loved to have some brothers and sisters. That's probably how James feels."

"He did mention something like that, but my concern is taking care of them all. My goodness, what is taking so long?"

"Hmm?"

"James was supposed to be back ten minutes ago. I don't want to worry but-"

"I'm sure he's fine. See, there's the door now," I assure her upon hearing the doorknob rattle.

"James?" Lily calls out.

There's no answer.

"James, is that you?" Lily asks again.

Still no answer.

Lily reaches for her wand on the lamp stand. I follow suit. "Hide," Lily whispers.

She crouches behind the sofa and I hide behind the wall leading to the hallway so I can have a perfect view of the front door.

The door swings open, but there's no one there. We wait a few seconds, and then it closes by itself too.

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to go check outside, or wait to see what happens, or what. I look over to Lily and see her fumbling with something. I catch her eye.

'Go get Harry,' she mouths at me.

I start heading up the stairs, but I crash into something very solid.

"Aaaaahhhhhhhh!" I yell through the hand that's suddenly covering my mouth. I can't see who it is but the grip is so strong that I can't even move.

"Jade, it's me," I hear Sirius laugh but I don't see him until he pulls off the invisibility cloak. James walks through the door after, also laughing.

I turn around as soon as he lets me go and look for Lily.

Lily turns on James upon seeing him. "It was _you_ the whole time?" she asks menacingly.

"Er, yes?" James answers, his laughter dying immediately.

"You almost gave me a heart attack _for a laugh_?"

"Of course not, we were just, erm-"

"Testing you," Sirius finishes for his friend. "Prongs was going to say that we were testing how prepared you two would be in case anything happened."

"That wasn't right," I mutter, taking a seat on the couch and burying my face in my hands.

"Are you okay?" I hear Sirius next to me again.

"Yeah, just a little shaken up," I manage to whisper.

I feel him rub my back. "I'm sorry, we shouldn't have done it," he says.

"No you shouldn't have!" Lily shouts. "I was worried out of my mind! What were you thinking?!"

James looks ashamed. "Aw Lils, I'm sorry. I didn't think-"

"No you didn't think!"

"Er, we should get going," Sirius says, though neither James nor Lily pays attention. "Today was fun. I'll see you around Prongs!" He takes my hand and leads us outside where he Apparates us to the house.

Once we're inside, I turn to him. "You shouldn't have done that."

"I know, but I just wanted to have a good laugh," he shrugs.

"It was hilarious for us too, absolutely riveting," I say sarcastically.

He looks at me seriously. "Jade, you don't laugh anymore. You hardly even smile."

"I suppose you're right."

"Isn't there anything I can do to change that?"

"Not really."

He sits next to me. "But I want you to be happy."

I turn to stare at him. "Is that even possible with all of this going on?"

"Sure it is." His face is inches from mine.

I can't do this. "Not for me," I say, standing abruptly and leaving.

OoOoO

(First week of September)

"This is ridiculous Moony! I don't even know why she's marrying him! The day after Mikayla's murder he went to her house to make sure she was safe. He only stayed for about twenty minutes and then left to a meeting. The prat didn't even stay to comfort her or anything! She was going through one of the toughest things she's ever had to deal with and he just left!"

"Padfoot, I know you love her, and you hate to see that she's marrying someone who won't make her as happy as she could be, we all do, but it's her choice. You have to let her go, that's another beautiful way to love."

"You want me to just give up? Let her go without a fight?"

"No, I want you to prove how much you love her by letting her be with whoever she thinks will make her happy."

That sounds about right. So why does it kill me to know that Sirius won't keep fighting?

After a second, I hear Sirius speak. "I reckon you're right Moony. You're always right." He sounds resigned.

I guess that's it then. There's no chance that I'll marry Sirius now.

"Oi! Sirius, Remus, Jade, where are you three?" Fabian calls to us.

I hear Remus and Sirius leave, and I wait a minute to follow them. I walk to the backyard where everyone is gathered around the table. I sit with the women and we talk about random topics.

"Oh, we should take pictures! Let me go get a camera!" Dorcas runs into the house.

"I didn't think of that! We should have thought of it earlier," Lily says.

"At least she remembered now rather than later," Alice says. "Oh no, Neville threw up!"

Frank laughs as he points his wand at the vomit on Alice and his son and mutters _tergeo_. He siphons it off with his wand.

"Thanks honey," Alice tells him.

"No problem," he smiles back.

Love. How disgusting.

I glance at Sirius and see him talking with James and Remus a couple of seats away. Peter had to visit his mother so he couldn't come. Gideon and Fabian join the men.

"No way Germany is going to make it to the next round. They were pounded by Argentina," James says.

"Really? I didn't think Argentina was any good," Remus comments.

"They weren't until they got Pedro Rodriguez and Esteban Garcia. Both excellent Chasers, young too- they just left school," Gideon says.

"I think they might lose to Canada next week though," Sirius says.

"Nah, Canada has a strong offense but their defense is weak, Argentina has an excellent defense and offense."

"Their defense isn't as weak as it was last year. They signed Jacqueline McClung and she's a brilliant Keeper."

"That's true, they played against Estonia a couple of weeks ago and flattened them."

"That isn't saying much since Estonia doesn't have a strong team. They did get a new coach though, so maybe this is their turning point."

"We'll just have to see how good Canada does against Italy tomorrow."

"That'll be an even match. Italy-"

"Hey, Dorcas has been gone a long time," Lily says anxiously.

The carefree mood dissipates immediately. The men stop their Quidditch discussion. "You're right. I'll go check on her," Sirius says.

"I'll go with you," Frank volunteers.

From the next table, Alastor stands up. "I'll go too. This may be a trap so the rest of you, be ready."

Frank looks at Alice and the rest of us. "I'm sure it's nothing," he tells us.

Sirius catches my eye before he goes. Neither of us says anything but his face says it all: _be safe_. I want to call out to him, tell him what I've been hiding all along, how I feel about him before it's too late, but I don't. He leaves with Frank and Alastor inside the house.

Meanwhile, no one left behind stirs. Maybe we're overreacting, but we've learned the hard way that an overreaction is better than no reaction. We all wait, me with my breath held, to see them return with Dorcas in tow. Instead, we hear a blast and see a flash of red light.

That's all we needed to see. Everyone jumps up and runs to the house. I start to run when I remember that Lily and Alice have the boys. I turn back to them.

"Lily, take Harry and Neville and go!" Alice is telling her.

"No, you take them and I'll stay and fight."

"Lily, I've been trained for this, please take them!" Alice insists hastily.

"Fine, but how? I can't Apparate with them."

"Floo," I say quietly.

They turn to me. "What?"

"She has to use the Floo Network, it's the only way."

"The network isn't safe, and the fight is inside!"

"She's right though, it's our best chance. I'll take the front, you take the back, cast a Shield Charm," Alice tells me. "Lily, stay between us."

We take off. The others are too busy fighting to notice us. The fight is slowly being brought outside, but there are still a few battles raging inside. We manage to make it safely to the living room, but there are two Death Eaters there standing over Dorcas, who appears to be out cold.

Alice starts attacking and I join in. I see Lily run to the fireplace and grab and handful of Floo powder. One of them shoots a curse at her but I cast a Shield Charm.

Lily barely escapes, but Alice and I are still battling the Death Eaters.

Emmeline appears in the doorway and with her help we manage to take them out. We run outside and help the others battling. Everyone is engaged in a battle, I try to look for someone who needs the most help. Gideon and Fabian are battling three Death Eaters. I make my way to them but something hits my side. I fall to the floor and examine the area where the throbbing is. There is a deep gash in my side and it's bleeding.

I try to stand but I fall again. Sirius is suddenly by me and I feel him Disapparate with me. When I open my eyes, we're at my house in the foyer. My mom and dad- who were probably in the living room since I hear the TV on- come rushing in when they hear us.

"What happened? What's going on?" My mom asks hysterically in reaction to the sight of all the blood.

My dad rushes into the foyer at the sound of the commotion. "Jade, Sirius, what-"

"We need to go back!" I yell, ignoring my parents. "Gideon and Fabian-"

"_You_ aren't going anywhere. You're wounded. I'll go back, just promise you'll stay here."

"No! I have to help, they're going to die!"

"That's why I'm going back, now stay here Jade! There isn't anything you can do if you bleed to death! Call Mr. Sanders and have him do what he can. I'll be back as soon as I can," Sirius tells me.

I grab his arm before he Apparates. "I promise I'll stay if you promise to come back," I whisper.

He looks torn. "I promise I won't be reckless." Then he's gone.

That isn't the same thing, and he knows it, but it's the best he can do. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't ask him to stay. I couldn't ask him to turn his back on everyone so that I could rest assured knowing he would live.

I turn my attention to the deep gash in my side. I remove my hand and see that it's bleeding profusely, but the adrenaline running through my veins assuages the pain. That and the worry that captures my every thought. How is everyone else? Lily took Neville and Harry as soon as the attack began, but how about everyone else? Alice? James? Frank? Remus? Peter? Gideon and Fabian were fighting three Death Eaters when I left, are they okay? Sirius . . . I would give anything for him to make it out alive.

I vaguely hear my mom on the phone with Mr. Sanders. She must have heard Sirius. My dad is saying something, but I don't make out what it is. All sound around me is muted. The only thing I hear is my heart racing. I try walking to the kitchen, but I stumble. I feel dizzy. The room is spinning. I hear Mr. Sanders' voice but I don't remember hearing him come in.

"She's losing a lot of blood, help me get her to the couch," he orders.

My dad and he half carry me to the sofa and lie me down. Mr. Sanders examines the wound. It's a good thing he was a Healer before he started to work in the Ministry. I think that's one of the reasons why Mikayla wanted to be a Healer.

"This is deep. What happened?"

I try to answer through my drowsiness. "Voldemort . . . Death Eaters . . . attack . . . didn't know . . ."

"Abby, I need you to go home and get the bottle of blood-replenishing potion-"

That's the last thing I hear before I pass out.

Some time later, I come to.

"How do you feel honey?" I hear my dad ask.

I sit up and my head feels fine. No dizziness. "Better, much better."

"Tell us what happened," my mom says.

I give them the short version of what happened. My mind can't focus on much else other than Sirius. "He still isn't back," I whisper.

"I'm sure he's fine," Mrs. Sanders whispers.

"How long has it been?"

"A little over an hour," Mr. Sanders says.

"You should sleep Jade. You need rest."

"No, I can't. Not until he comes back."

We sit in silence for what feels like ages. My eyes droop, but I force them open. Finally, we hear a loud pop and Sirius appears in the living room.

I rise to meet him but Mr. Sanders holds me back. "Ask him something only he would know Jade."

"I don't need to, I know it's him-"

"He's right Jade. Learn to be careful. Ask me something."

I try to think through the emotions flooding me. What would only the real Sirius know? "Er, what's my favorite food?"

"Fish and chips."

I throw myself at him, ignoring my father's disapproving stare. "I was so worried! It's been over an hour, I thought . . ."

"Shh, don't Jade. The important thing is that I'm here now."

I nod and force myself to pull away. "What happened when you went back Sirius? Is everyone okay? Did you capture any Death Eaters? Di-"

Sirius runs a hand through his hair- his nervous habit- and takes a seat. "I'm sorry for just barging in here without properly greeting you," Sirius tells my parents and the Sanders'.

"Nonsense," my mom tells him. "You have done everything in your power to keep Jade safe in this . . . war. You're welcome here anytime."

"Thank you."

"Okay, now that you've said what you had to say, tell us what happened Sirius," I say impatiently. "What happened?"

He sighs. "It was hard. We were outnumbered. They were slowly gaining the upper hand. Then Voldemort showed up, but only to deliver an army of about seventy Inferi. He took the Death Eaters with him and left us with the Inferi. After that, it was simple enough to finish. We had only to burn them. The Ministry arrived shortly after; Lily sent them a message when she reached home. We cleaned everything up, that was it."

"So . . . everyone made it alive?" I ask skeptically.

"We killed one of the Death Eaters and injured a handful," he answers, running a hand through his hair.

That means he's leaving something out. "Sirius, what aren't you telling me?" I demand.

He stands and begins pacing back and forth. It must be bad. "Spit it out Sirius!" I nearly shout.

He stops pacing, resumes his seat next to me, and takes my hands in his. "Fabian and Gideon," he whispers. "They're gone."

"It's a mistake. It has to be," I say through my tears.

"It took five Death Eaters to kill them. They fought like heroes, Jade."

"Not Gideon and Fabian!" I break down.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Jade," Sirius tells me.

I jump up. "How many more people have to die in this war?! Who's going to be next?! We've already lost Anna, Mikayla, Fabian, Gideon, and countless others!" I bellow, avoiding my parent's and the Sanders' bewildered faces and directing my questions at Sirius. "Who's next?! Remus? Peter? James? Lily? Mary?"

Sirius walks over to where I'm standing and simply holds me. I struggle against him for a second, but he's much stronger; he holds on.

I give up. My rage ebbs to misery and I break down, burying my face in his chest. "Who's going to be next?" I ask, my voice raw. "Will I die? Will you?"

"We're all hurting Jade, this war is taking it's toll on us. We're all afraid, we're all worried, and we've all lost someone, but we're all also fighting for something that's worth it. We fight, and suffer, knowing that one day this world will have peace. We fight for the future of our friends, family, and children. Right now, it feels as if all hope is lost, but we must remember that things get worse before they get better, and if we give up now, all we've done is for nothing. If we give up now, all of these deaths will be in vain. If we give up now, there will be no better future."

I don't want to hear any of this right now. "I need to sleep. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Sanders for all of your help," I say wearily.

"It's no problem dear," Mrs. Sanders says as she stands up. "We should get going, it's late."

Mr. Sanders turns to me. "Don't strain yourself. Give your wound time to heal."

"I will, thank you."

"And Sirius," he continues, "you take care on your way home. It's late and who knows what can happen, even if you Apparate."

"I'll be careful," Sirius assures him.

"Bye Aaron, Felicity," Mr. Sanders says. Mrs. Sanders hugs my mom goodbye and waves to my dad.

"Bye," they call.

"I should get going too," Sirius sighs.

"Why don't you stay here tonight, dear?" my mom invites.

"I wouldn't want to impose-"

"Nonsense, you've kept Jade safe, the least we can do is return your kindness."

"I agree. There's a guest bedroom two rooms east of Jade's, you may stay there."

"If you insist," Sirius says. "I appreciate it Mr. and Mrs. Anderson."

"It is no problem dear. Have a goodnight you two," she calls as I make my way up the stairs.

Sirius follows me but doesn't say a word until we reach the second floor. "Are you feeling any better?"

"I'm trying not to think about it. I find that if I don't acknowledge it, it isn't real," I murmur as I walk up the next flight of stairs.

"It doesn't work that way," he informs me.

"It's easier," I whisper, struggling to contain myself.

"Not in the long run, Jade."

"That doesn't matter because I probably won't live that long anyway."

We've reached the third floor. We both stop walking, me in response to him. He takes my hand tentatively, and intertwines it with mine when he sees that I don't pull away. "Don't say things like that," he tells me, placing a lock of hair behind my ear with his free hand. I nod.

We continue walking, but Sirius still hasn't released my hand.

We stop outside of the first door in the broad hallway. "This is my room, "and the three rooms on my right are all guest bedrooms. My dad wanted you to have the one furthest from me, but you can choose whichever you want."

"I'd be more comfortable in the one next to you," he admits.

"Take it then, I'll tell my dad I convinced you to."

"Do you mind if we talk in your room for a bit?"

It's lucky that my parent's bedroom is on the second floor. "Okay."

I know I shouldn't let him hold my hand, and that I shouldn't let him into my bedroom, but I don't want to say no. I don't want to go on without Sirius.

I walk over to my dresser and Sirius walks to the plush blue couch, examining the room. I forgot that he hasn't ever seen my room. "Wow, and I thought my room was big," he comments.

"All of the rooms here are pretty spacious," I mutter, grabbing a pair of pyjamas. I change in the restroom.

Sirius smirks slightly when he sees my silver pants and blue top. "Still a proud Ravenclaw?"

"For your information, these are old." I sit cross-legged on my bed. I stretch my arms. A sharp pain stops me. "Ouch!" I hiss, holding my side.

Sirius hurries over. "Let me see it."

I move my hand and my breath catches as he starts to lift my shirt. He stops just below my breast where the bandage-covered gash ends. I try to focus on breathing evenly. "No blood has soaked through, which means it must have stopped bleeding. Do you know what you were hit with?"

"No, there was a lot of commotion," I manage to say.

"Hmm, well no sudden movements okay?" he tells me before resuming his seat on the couch.

"Okay," I respond. "Sirius, how did they know we were all going to be there?"

"I don't know Jade. I don't think it was a coincidence, but I don't want to go around placing blame on anyone either."

"You think there's a spy on our side?"

"I don't know," he says, though I can see he does, "let's not jump to conclusions."

"You're probably right," I mutter.

"Jade, I want to talk to you, about us."

"I don't feel right talking about this. Not after what happened this afternoon," I whisper, looking away from him.

"That's exactly why I'm bringing it up. Today made me realize what I'm not willing to live without, and that's you Jade."

This is it. Here is my chance. I can tell him exactly how I feel, or I can go on pretending that I don't love him and spend my life with Philip.

"Jade? Say something," Sirius tells me.

Why deny what I want? All I have to say are those three words that will change everything.

So why can't I say them?

OoOoO

(Next day)

I answer the door cautiously, my wand at my side. It's Philip. Bloody hell.

"Philip? What are you doing here?" I realize those aren't the best words to say to your fiancé after not having seen him for a couple of days, but the words are already out of my mouth.

"Good morning Jade, it's nice to see you too."

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that, well how did you know I was here?"

"I went to your parent's house and they told me I could find you here. They seemed hesitant, and they didn't tell me anything else. Whose house is this?"

I bite my lip. "Phil, come in, please."

He walks in and takes a seat on the couch. I sit next to him, trying to find the right words. But are there any right words in this case? 'Um, well Philip, I'm staying with my ex-boyfriend because our lives are in danger. By the way, did I mention I'm a witch?' That would hardly go over well. Instead, I do what I always do best: change the subject.

"You didn't work today?" I ask him.

"No, I decided to start the weekend off earlier and I thought that maybe you would like to join me. It's been a long time since we've had a day all to ourselves."

"Okay, let's go."

We start walking down the street to his car. He takes me out to lunch and that's when I blurt it all out. He does not look at all happy.

OoOoO

"Jade?" I hear Sirius' voice from the door.

I must be quite a sight, in my wedding dress and a bottle of firewhisky in my hand (not to mention the other ones on the coffee table). I can only imagine what he's thinking. My head feels light, and I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. I don't bother answering because I know he'll come over and ask me what's wrong, so I'll just wait for that.

"Jade? What's wrong? And why are you in that dress?"

"Nothing is wrong, everything is perfect! And isn't this dress lovely? It was my wedding dress. I had to wear it at least once. It was too pretty to just give away without ever wearing it. Oh, it's so lovely!"

"Wait, you aren't making sense. What do you mean it _was_ your wedding dress? Why would you give it away without ever wearing it?"

"Because silly, I don't need a wedding dress without a wedding!"

"Your wedding is canceled?"

Coming from his mouth makes it sound so much worse. I chug the rest of my bottle and reach for a fourth one. Sirius stops me. "How many bottles have you had?"

"Three. It was horrible at first, it burned, but now I love it! I love it as much as my pretty dress!"

He runs a hand through his hair. "You are absolutely wasted. You don't drink, do you?"

"Now I do! I don't know why I never did this before!"

"Because it's not good to drink away your problems. Now talk to me, what happened? Who canceled the wedding? And when did it happen?"

"Ah, Philly came by today! We went out to lunch and went for a walk and came back here. That's when I finally told him that I'm staying with you. He didn't like that very much and called it off."

"Philip called it off because of me?"

That kills my laughing mood. I nod, not wanting to get into the nasty details. I pop open the fourth bottle but Sirius takes it out of my hands before I can take a swig.

"You've had enough to drink. You're going to sleep. Come on, let's go." He stands and helps me up. I stumble to my bedroom where Sirius turns on the lights. I walk by my full-length mirror and catch sight of myself. "I look beautiful."

I see some kind of emotion flicker in his eyes before speaking. "Hang up your dress and go to sleep."

"I need help," I tell him. "I can't undo all the buttons in the back."

He looks uncomfortable. "How did you put it on?"

"Lily." I don't offer an explanation and he doesn't ask for one.

"Er, okay. Turn around."

I do as told and he starts unbuttoning the back. There are at least a million back there. Okay that's an exaggeration, but there are a lot. I feel him unbutton the last one and the dress falls, leaving me in my lacy underclothes. Sirius looks me up and down.

"I should go," he says, though I can see that he doesn't really want to.

That gives me boldness. I step out of the dress and take a step toward him so I'm inches away, and then I kiss him.

He goes along with it at first, but after a second he pulls away. "You're drunk, Jade. You don't know what you're doing."

"Sure I do, I want you."

"I'm not going to take advantage of you, so go to sleep and we'll talk tomorrow."

"It isn't taking advantage of me if I want it."

"You aren't thinking straight. We'll talk tomorrow."

He walks out before I can say anything else. I pick up the dress and toss it on my armchair before throwing myself on my bed and falling asleep.

I don't know how long I slept, but when I wake up in the morning I have a pounding headache that won't go away. I put on some clothes and walk to the kitchen, where I find Sirius cooking.

"Ah, you're awake. Take this," he hands me a potion from the refrigerator.

I eye it warily. "This had better not be a prank."

"It's for your hangover, because I'm sure that after all those drinks you had yesterday, you feel miserable."

"And this will help?"

"It'll make it go away instantly."

And he's right. "Wow, that's amazing. I feel fine now."

"Told you," he smiles.

I try to ignore how good he looks today. "Do you need help?"

"No, I'm finished. How about we eat together for once?"

"Sure," I shrug, taking my plate and sitting at the table. Sirius takes the seat across from me.

"So," he begins. "Are you feeling better?"

"I'm fine, it was nothing."

"Philip called off the engagement and you drank half a case of firewhisky. It wasn't _nothing_."

"It was three bottles. You make it sound so bad. And it really was nothing. You've been telling me for ages that I don't really love him, and you were right."

"So why did you-"

"-drink? I don't know. I was sad, but not because I loved him. Just the rejection, I suppose, but it was for the best."

"So what now?"

So what now? That's something I've been wondering too. No more Philip leaves the way open for Sirius, but maybe he doesn't want me anymore? "I don't know."

"Marry me."

I gape at him. "What?"

"I love you, and I know you love me, so marry me. I know it's rash, and my proposal is hardly romantic, but look around. I don't know how much time we have left, so let's make the most of whatever we have now."

As crazy as it sounds, he's right. We could even get married today. I don't want a wedding, and even if I did it wouldn't be safe considering the circumstances. We only need two witnesses right? James and Lily can do it. So why not?

"Please?" Sirius asks me.

I look at him now, still considering my answer. "Can we do it today?"

His grin is contagious. He sweeps me up from my chair and spins me around. He doesn't say anything like 'you've made me the happiest man on earth', but he doesn't need to because I can see it written on his face. Besides, I can't picture him saying something like that.

The bottom line here is that I can finally, honestly, say that I'm happy. True, the world is falling apart around us, but at least now I have the man I love next to me able to share that burden. That's the most I could ask for in all of this, and that's exactly what I'm getting.

OoOoO

(One Year Later)

I hand my week-old daughter to Lily and she takes him gladly in her arms.

"She looks just like Jade," James says.

"You're going blind then, James. She doesn't look like either of them, with the exception of the eyes," Mary says.

"And the hair, she has Sirius' hair," Remus comments.

"She's cute, I love her gray eyes," Lily says, looking down at the baby in her arms.

"They're just like mine and you never complimented me!" Sirius exclaims.

Lily smirks at him. "This is different. Mikayla is adorable, you're . . . just Sirius."

We all laugh. "Don't worry, I think you're adorable," I tell Sirius.

He smiles at me and wraps his free arm around my waist; he's carrying Harry in his other arm. "Thank you love."

"D'you reckon Harry and Mikayla will get along when they're older?" Peter asks.

"I think they'll fall in love," Mary laughs.

Sirius snorts. "My baby girl isn't dating until she's thirty. I'll curse the boys away, even your son Prongs."

James laughs. "Right Padfoot, I'll remember to warn him."

"But they have to replace us as the next generation of Marauders!" Peter says.

"They won't be in the same year," Remus says. "Harry is older."

"Speaking of Harry, he's asleep," Sirius says, looking at the boy.

That brings our attention to the time. "It's late. I need to get going," Mary says.

"I'll take you home," Remus offers. "Are you coming Worm?"

Peter stands up along with Remus and Mary. "Yeah, I have to work early tomorrow."

"Thanks for having us over Sirius and Jade. I'll come by and visit soon. Bye Mikayla," she coos to the baby in Lily's arms.

Remus and Peter follow suit, also saying bye to James and Lily, and then the three are gone.

James follows them to the door and locks it once they're out. He also makes sure the blinds are shut before coming back to where we are. He beckons us closer. "Lily and I have some news to tell you," he whispers.

I look expectantly at them and Sirius asks, "What is it?"

James glances at Lily before telling us. "Dumbledore told us that Voldemort is after us. He wants us to go into hiding and he reckons the Fidelius Charm is our best chance."

The Fidelius Charm? I remember writing an essay on that in detention back at Hogwarts. What is startling is that Voldemort is after them. I remember the one time I saw him, on an assignment for the Order. Frank and Alice were dueling with him and they barely escaped. I was terrified, how must they feel knowing that he's after them specifically? But they should be safe with the Fidelius Charm, and Dumbledore is helping them so that's even better.

"Why is he after you?" Sirius asks.

"He didn't tell us. I'm not sure he even knows," James answers. "We're doing the charm tomorrow and I want you to be the Secret-Keeper."

"Of course," Sirius tells him. "Of course."

The men continue talking but my eyes are on Lily. "How are you doing?"

She looks up at me. "Oh, I'm okay. I mean, obviously I'm scared. I'm not afraid of dying, but I don't want to leave Harry alone. That's the hardest thing about this," she says. I can see that she's trying to be strong and she refuses to cry. That's always been Lily, the strong one.

"You aren't going to die," I assure her. "The Fidelius Charm will keep you safely hidden."

"That's true," she murmurs, though I can see she has her doubts. "It's a huge comfort to know that you and Sirius are his godparents. I know that if anything happens, Harry will be in good hands."

"Lily, please stop talking like that. Nothing will happen to either of you."

She smiles. "I'm glad you're happy now Jade," is all she says.

OoOoO

"How was work?" I ask Sirius as he steps through the door.

"It was the same as always. We've been looking for the Death Eaters but the only ones we can catch are the ones under the Imperius Curse. We have no idea where Voldemort is and we're no closer to stopping him than we are to stopping the sun from setting."

"Is that what has you worried?" I ask, looking at the expression on his face.

"It's one of the things, but I'm worried about us, James, and his family."

I frown. "Why? Has something gone wrong?"

"No, no it's nothing like that. It's just . . . everyone knows that I'm James' best mate. That means that once Voldemort realizes that they used the Fidelius Charm- if he hasn't already- than he's coming after me first, assuming that I'm the Secret-Keeper. I would die before giving up the information, but he would go after you and Mikayla. I can't put you two in danger."

"So what will we do?" I wouldn't mind dying for them either, but Mikayla is who I'm worried about.

"Well, that's what I've been trying to figure out. I've thought of a plan, and it's pretty good, I just have to talk to James about it. We could switch and have Peter be the Secret-Keeper. No one will ever suspect Peter and we'll go into hiding anyway."

"The Fidelius Charm?"

"No, I don't want to bother Dumbledore right now since we aren't in direct danger. I was thinking of just finding a small house somewhere and placing an Unplottable charm and everything else I can remember my father doing to his house. That should keep us safe."

I nod my agreement. "Have you found a place yet?" Knowing Sirius, he already had.

"Yeah actually. I've been looking and I got a place over in Hasting. It's a muggle city, but it's nice."

"Okay, so when do we move?"

"Day after tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to James and place the charms on the house."

OoOoO

"Jade!" Sirius calls from the front door.

I turn off the stove and walk to the sitting room. "Did you forget to pick up Mikayla from my parents' place?" I ask, seeing my husband's empty hands. My eyes then travel to his face and notice its paleness. He looks shaken. "What is it Sirius?"

"I don't know for sure. We'll get Mikayla later. We have to go to James' and Lily's right away," Sirius says, panic in his voice.

"Has anything happened to them?" I ask, refusing to let her mind think the worst.

"I don't know. Just grab my hand," Sirius tells me. I do so and he turns on the spot, Apparating at the Potter's house.

The sight is disturbing. The house is in shambles. The neighbors are peeking through their windows, and if they could see the house it's because it is no longer under the Fidelius Charm. There could only be one explanation for that. I don't need Sirius to confirm what has happened; Voldemort has accomplished his latest objective.

I rush the house with Sirius right behind me. Before I reach the door, Sirius pulls me behind him, indicating that he will go first.

"If anything happens, _anything_ at all, I expect you to leave. Go to your parents and stay there until you hear something," he whispers to me.

I nod, though I doubt I would be able to leave him behind.

He goes in and I follow behind him. I see James' body lying on the floor, but I can't worry about that now, I can hear Harry crying and I have to get to him. I run past a stricken Sirius and into the nursery.

Harry is lying in his cradle, wailing but seemingly unharmed. I pick him up, trying to sooth him, and that's when I see her: Lily, lying lifeless on the ground. I choke back a sob.

I panic at the sound of footsteps behind me. I hold Harry, who is no longer crying, in my left arm and pull out my wand with my right. It is only Sirius.

He walks in looking angry, but under the anger I can see the pain. "I told you I would go first! What if someone was up here ready to kill the next person who walked in? You have to be more careful!"

"I-I'm sorry . . . I heard Harry crying and-"

He puts his hand up to silence me. "No, I'm sorry, I was just afraid for you. I can't-" he stops himself from saying what he was going to say and inquires after Harry instead.

"He seems fine, other than this scar on his forehead. It's the oddest shape, and I don't remember seeing it there last week."

Sirius leans in to examine it. "That's because it wasn't there last week. We'll look into it later, for now let's just figure out what to do."

"Sirius, are they really-" I break off and change in mid-sentence, "how did this happen?" I want nothing more than to break down and cry, but I hold it in, letting only a small tear drop escape.

"Dumbledore suspected there was a traitor in our midst. Now we know who it is," Sirius says, fury returning to his voice as he thinks of the person who caused all of this.

"But how come Harry isn't- I hear someone outside," I whisper.

"Stay here with Harry, I'll go check who it is," Sirius tells me as he leaves the room.

I hold my breath, hoping with all my being that it isn't a Death Eater. I stand still, straining to hear the activity downstairs. I avoid looking at Lily's body and try not to think about it either because to think about it would break my resolve of not crying. A few tears escape, but at least I haven't broken down- yet.

"It's okay Jade, it's just Hagrid!" Sirius calls out to me. I grab Harry's blanket, wrap it around him, and walk downstairs to meet them.

"Hagrid! What happened? Where's Dumbledore? Wha-"

I wish Hagrid would stop crying; it is difficult not to do so myself while he is. More tears leak out.

"Lily and James!" he says, "dead!"

"I know Hagrid," Sirius says, trying to keep his voice steady, "but right now the most important thing is to get Harry somewhere safe and figure out what happened."

"Dumbledore told me to get Harry and take him to his aunt's house," Hagrid says in between sobs.

"Petunia's?" Is Dumbledore mental? She hates Lily, she would never take Harry.

"No," Sirius says. "We're his godparents. He's staying with us."

"It's Dumbledore's-"

"I don't care," Sirius said stubbornly.

"Let's just- let's just go talk to Dumbledore about this, right now. Where is he Hagrid?" I ask.

"You two go on, I have some business to take care of," Sirius says, intending to leave. I grab his arm.

"You're not seriously planning on leaving me are you?"

"I'll catch up, I just need-"

"No Sirius, I know what you're planning to do! Just forget it-"

"Forget it? Forget that he betrayed them!?" Sirius shouts. Harry starts crying again.

I try to calm him while pleading with the stubborn man before me. "Sirius, please! There's nothing you can do. Going after him won't bring Lily and James back. You have to come with us. If not for me, do it for Mikayla and Harry."

He runs a hand through his hair. We all stand there for a good three minutes while Sirius thinks things through. "You're right, I can't afford to be reckless. I have you and Mikayla to take care of, and now Harry. But believe me Jade, if I see him, I-"

"I know Sirius, but right now we need to find Dumbledore."

"He'll be outside of Petunia's house," Hagrid says.

I had forgotten that he's here. "Thank you, Hagrid."

"I still need to take Harry. You two can follow, but I'm keeping Dumbledore's orders."

I sigh and turn to Sirius. He looks just as exasperated. "We'll meet you over there, Hagrid."

I give the sleeping baby to Hagrid.

Sirius and I meet with Dumbledore in his office at Hogwarts. We had arrived at Petunia's but Dumbledore thought it would be best to have this discussion elsewhere. He didn't leave Harry with Petunia, but he didn't say that we would get to keep him either. We've spent a good hour explaining to Dumbledore that Sirius wasn't the Secret-Keeper anymore and then theorizing about what happened, how Harry is still alive, and where Voldemort now is. Our current subject is a dispute over Harry's future.

"You can't send him to Petunia's," Sirius says.

"It's the best place for him." Dumbledore says.

"No it's not, they'll hate him and you know it," I argue.

Dumbledore rubs his temples wearily. "Petunia and Lily share the same blood, that blood will provide protection for Harry," he explains.

"We're his godparents and we're both wizards. We can fight anyone who threatens us. What would they be able to do?" Sirius asks.

"Although that is a valid point, the wizarding world isn't a good place for him. Famous before he can walk and talk for something he won't even remember! It'll be enough to turn any boy's head." Dumbledore puts up another obstacle.

"Then we'll leave the wizarding world until he's ready to start school," Sirius says.

"You know that won't be possible. You won't be able to hide," Dumbledore tells us.

"Then we'll move," I say. "We can move to another country. We'll come back when it's time for Harry to start school so he can attend Hogwarts."

"Are you both willing to drop everything and pick up in another country? Are you willing to leave everyone behind and not speak to them for the next ten years or so? Because you know that you cannot inform anyone of your new whereabouts. In fact, people mustn't know you're leaving."

"Remus and my parents-"

"I believe it would bring no harm if they know you are leaving, but _not a single person_, with the exception of myself, may know where you are moving."

No one says anything for a while. I look down at the peaceful, sleeping baby in my arms. What else can we do? Finally, Sirius speaks up.

"Anything for Harry," he says.

"What about Mikayla?" Dumbledore asks.

"She's a year younger than Harry. We'll be back before it's time for her to start school," I say.

"It'll be hard, but I'm willing to do it. James and Lily entrusted Harry to us . . . I'll do anything for him and Mikayla. They'll both be safer somewhere else anyway. I have a feeling that the Death Eaters are going to be chaotic in this aftermath," Sirius says.

"Dumbledore, you know that Harry won't be happy with his aunt. She won't love him, she hates magic. He just lost his parents. I think he deserves the next best thing. We'll love him as our own, let us keep him," I plead.

It seems like an eternity before Dumbledore speaks. "Very well then, I'll go along with your plans. You need to leave as soon as possible. Do not worry about anything that is happening here," he looks expressly at Sirius, and I know it's because he doesn't want Sirius looking for Peter. "Contact me when you get your new home so that I can put up some enchantments. I will keep contact with you until you decide to return."

"Thank you Dumbledore. I couldn't bear to see Harry go to Petunia or anyone other than us. We're going to stay at our place until we find somewhere to go," Sirius says.

"Very well, do try to leave within a week and keep in mind that you cannot reveal to anyone that you will be moving. I will contact you when we find out more information."

With that, Sirius and I leave to pick up Mikayla from my parents' house. We explain quietly what happened, and I hug both of my parents before leaving. This is the last time I'll see them until I return. It breaks my heart, but it must be done.

We travel home and place Mikayla in her cradle while Sirius gets the extra one out so we can put Harry in. Once in our own bed, we're both silent. For the first time since I arrived at Godric's Hollow, I let myself think about everything that happened and let the tears fall. The sobs shake my body; Sirius holds me. I can't see if he's crying or not, but I know he's hurting terribly.

His best friend, his brother, is gone. The pain is unbearable, I'm sure. He'll never be the same, just like I was never the same after Mikayla. I've always said that after a significant event in someone's life, things are never the same. Not necessarily worse or better, but different. It's true.

Over the next couple of days Sirius searches for a home outside the country while I struggle with the two babies. Harry cries a lot at night, and I think it's because he wants Lily and James. It's heart wrenching. Then he wakes Mikayla, and I get two crying babies on top of my emotional state. It's sometimes too much to handle, especially since Sirius is hardly home, day and night. I usually end up in tears as well.

Finally, Sirius finds a nice place in Australia. It's a muggle city, which is perfect since we're staying out of the wizarding world as an extra precaution. We move in a week later and slowly things settle down. Sirius finds a muggle job and I take care of Harry and Mikayla. My parents gave us enough money to live off of. With that combined with my savings and added with Sirius', we could live comfortable with no need to work, but I think Sirius wanted something to keep him entertained.

I am satisfied with life. I lost much in the war, we all did, but I got some of it back. It hurts to know that Harry will never know his parents, but at least he has the next best thing. His life won't be miserable. None of ours will be.

* * *

That was long! I wanted to keep it as one chapter though so it would be less confusing. I wasn't sure how to end it, but I think it came out okay. Writing this story was fun. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did. Thanks to all you readers, and especially you awesome reviewers!

Always, Sirius : )


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